Did i over react about dinner?

[Noodle101]

Long time lurker just changer username for privacy. Probably should have put this in relationships but wanted here for traffic.

Currently sitting in tears over what seems to be the most ridiculous argument with my dp. There is 5 years of history where arguments have often,I feel, have been of his quick temper and unreasonable behaviour.

Tonight we were cooking a stirfry, he tells me to go back in the sitting room as he will cook, I go back into the kitchen to say I think its burning, he is standing over the heat and shouts at me its not burning. I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me, i don't want the food to be ruined. DP proceeds to fling the frying pan against the wall and chuck food across the kitchen into the sink and shout at me. He then goes upstairs, i follow him saying what the hell, why are you so quick to anger? I then am so shocked and upset that i say i don't want to be with him anymore and i go downstairs and have a glass of wine to calm down.

10 mins later he is downstairs saying he understands he overreacted but only did so because i was berating him about the food, and all he keeps saying to me is is the food actually burnt? As if that will validate him being so quick to anger.

Sorry if this seems so ridiculous I just wonder if he has reacted unnecessarily or if I drove him to it? Last week we had an argument because he said a few nasty things about my job choices, he has apologised profusely for that, but obviously I am now really upset that another argument has occurred.

All sounds quite tense. You stamping your foot and him throwing pans, sounds like neither of you know how to express yourselves. And why would you follow an already angry partner upstairs when he is clearly walking away from you.
Think you both need to grow up, chill out and maybe seek some communication counselling or something.

I wouldn't live with someone who threw a hot pan at the wall.

It's dangerous and out of all proportion. His correct response should have been 'bog off, I've got this!'

It could have even been humorous, or even if a bit heated, still fine.

Instead he's throwing objects around.

Don't have kids with this man either (hoping you have none). Men who throw things are scary and may also injure someone accidentally.

I'm surprised anyone is defending this, throwing stuff like that is not a normal reaction to a bit of an annoying comment.

You should have left him alone to cook and I would be annoyed if my partner did that. However it is completely unacceptable to throw things like that. This combined with him having to have you out of the kitchen sounds like he's irritable and short tempered.

Well there are a couple of unhinged posters on the thread by the looks of things. Flinging the frying pan was bad enough but saying you'd have thrown it at the OP says a lot about you.

Offering a bit of perspective, in abusive relationship dynamics, it's quite common to lose your grip on normal behaviour. I wouldn't dream of foot stamping at someone normally but I'd possibly have done it if I'd spent years with somebody who had appalling behaviour standards themselves.

This is not a relationship with any merit, OP, you say:

There is 5 years history of arguments due to his quick temper and unreasonable behaviour.

He belittles your job choices.

He sends you out of the kitchen so he can cook and you can drink wine.

You say you think it is burning and he replies that you 'left him to do it all so you could go and drink wine.

You go back into to kitchen, criticise him, stamp your foot and tell him to listen to you. He reacts by throwing a frying pan and stomping off upstairs.

He is now apologising for over reacting but trying to justify it by determining whether or not the food was actually burnt.

Seriously, OP, what is the point of all this? Do as you said and leave.

Am I reading it right that if the food wasn't too burnt in the end, then you still ate it? So it wasn't actually flung against and landed on the wall? Or am I totally wrong?

Just dump each other and grow up.

I can’t honestly imagine actually stamping my foot in annoyance! And if I did it wouldn’t be over burning food!

He has anger issues, you were being annoying. I think the throwing the frying pan is more extreme though and not something I would be standing for (I hope he bloody cleaned up the mess). That kind of violent outburst would make me feel uncomfortable and possible quite frightened.

Have you thought about going to counselling together to work on communication?

Throwing a frying pan is way OTT dangerous behaviour. I’d be really really worried and struggle to stay in that relationship.

But micromanaging, controlling behaviour is also bloody awful to live with, and you stamped your foot first - no one stamps in anything but anger. So you can’t accuse him of having a quick temper when you upped the ante.

A direct question- do you get more argumentative when you’ve had a drink? You mention the wine - do you think it has an undesirable effect on your communication? Then you mention having another glass to ‘calm down’ - no judgement from me but maybe think if it is actually exacerbating things for either/both of you?

Throwing a hot frying pan around is terrifying! He doesn't sound safe to be around. What if he throws it at you next time?

I don't think you were being unreasonable. I wouldn't stay with someone who expressed anger through violence because I think those things only escalate

Totally agree with @5SecondsFromWilding, it's ridiculous and beyond immature drama on his part - sorry but that's mental. Whatever you have said or done - frying pans at walls?! Then, he's got the audacity to ask 'was it burnt?'?!?!!
Mate. Were you meant to scrape a sample off the wall and check?! I'd be going to bed and acting 'disappointed' if I were you) If I were myself I'd probably shake my head in the most pitting and patronising way possible, take my phone and keys/car keys and leave without a word, then gety stuff when I knew he'd be out) That gets through the crazy a lot faster than arguing / niceties. Do you have children OP?
Sorry your night is ruined. It's up to you if it's the rest of your life. I don't mean to upset you or sound callous but honestly. If you take that it will only escalate. You're normalizing dickhead drama. Please don't. Providing this isn't a silly drip feed - he's majorly ill/you both lost your job recently/you're both moths with 18 hours to live etc. - you almost certainly deserve better. Some people live that way as standard. Some are trapped in it or sink gradually. You are sane enough to ask - please listen to the answer.

I’m surprised anyone at all has agreed that throwing a hot pan of food is ever acceptable.

You stamped you foot and said ‘listen to me’ - I’m just wondering why? Does he normally not listen when you are talking or talk over you?

Yes, your behaviour is unreasonable but I also don’t understand why on one hand he told you to go sit down and then minutes later asked you why you aren’t helping anymore.

Had you both already drunk a bit by the this point?

I do think you are both U, but him significantly moreso - and throwing a hot pan isn’t far away from escalating into other acts of violence and aggression.

I’d love to live in Mn land where no one ever gets angry and occasionally flips their lid. I would have thrown the frying pan too. Probably at you.

I live in a house where no one ever throws objects in anger, let alone hot ones. Because we're both adults and neither of us are abusive.

OP, it sounds like you were being very annoying. He was then abusive. The two things do not cancel each other out, and nor are they equal, as a shocking number of people on this thread seem to think.

When he said that it wasn't burning, why didn't you believe him?

As you say, the foot stamping makes you sound ridiculous-although I'm sure a lot of people who have laughed/eyerolled.

His reaction was so OTT-but then you followed him??

You don't sound suited at all.

Forgive the typo fails - iphone mega correct. I miss Android. Hope you're ok

You both sound unhinged, honestly. Not to mention controlling, abusive, and shockingly immature. I think you would both be better off without each other.

I'm astounded by all the posters justifying the DP throwing a pan full of boiling hot food at the wall and hurling the contents all over the kitchen in the process because the OP 'wound him up'. I don't care what the OP said, that is never acceptable under any circumstances! What next - she 'winds him up' and gets a frying pan full of scorching hot food thrown at her fucking head?! Is that justifiable too?

From what I'm reading of his temper, OP, I would be seriously concerned and getting the hell out of dodge. Would I fuck entertain the idea of a relationship with a man who throws frying pans and food all over the damn kitchen. This sort of behaviour often sprouts arms, legs and teeth in the long run. Please look after yourself - don't become his victim.

It sounds like you both over reacted... firstly if someone was cooking me tea, I’d not be criticising, but also he massively over reacted and there is no reason a grown adult should be chucking hot frying pans and food around a kitchen

What next - she 'winds him up' and gets a frying pan full of scorching hot food thrown at her fucking head?! Is that justifiable too?

Well apparently some posters here would do exactly that. At least I now know some poster’s names to avoid like the plague.

I live in a house where no one ever throws objects in anger, let alone hot ones. Because we're both adults and neither of us are abusive.

Yes, this. Of course people get angry. But throwing objects? Hot frying pans at walls? That's not the sign of a healthy relationship to me. As the 5ft 4 partner of a 6ft 4, very built man, if he started getting so angry that he was throwing things around, I'd actually be quite frightened for my safety. Fortunately, he's not an arsehole and can communicate like an adult. In six years, neither of us have ever felt the need to throw something in rage.

I'm with the people saying that it's never OK to throw a pan full of hot oil and food anywhere. Ever. No matter what has happened beforehand.

Sounds 50/50. He shouldn't have thrown the pan but you do sound annoying

I couldn't live with someone so nagging/controlling, you have obviously pushed him over the edge.

Just do all the cooking yourself, I cant see why he would ever bother cooking for you again.

How do you know th food wasn't too burnt if he chucked it against thr wall and in the sink.

And what adult stamps their foot.