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Original poster

Did i over react about dinner?

214 replies

Noodle101 · 11/10/2018 20:23

Long time lurker just changer username for privacy. Probably should have put this in relationships but wanted here for traffic.

Currently sitting in tears over what seems to be the most ridiculous argument with my dp. There is 5 years of history where arguments have often,I feel, have been of his quick temper and unreasonable behaviour.

Tonight we were cooking a stirfry, he tells me to go back in the sitting room as he will cook, I go back into the kitchen to say I think its burning, he is standing over the heat and shouts at me its not burning. I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me, i don't want the food to be ruined. DP proceeds to fling the frying pan against the wall and chuck food across the kitchen into the sink and shout at me. He then goes upstairs, i follow him saying what the hell, why are you so quick to anger? I then am so shocked and upset that i say i don't want to be with him anymore and i go downstairs and have a glass of wine to calm down.

10 mins later he is downstairs saying he understands he overreacted but only did so because i was berating him about the food, and all he keeps saying to me is is the food actually burnt? As if that will validate him being so quick to anger.

Sorry if this seems so ridiculous I just wonder if he has reacted unnecessarily or if I drove him to it? Last week we had an argument because he said a few nasty things about my job choices, he has apologised profusely for that, but obviously I am now really upset that another argument has occurred.

OP posts:
Dontalkoverme · 12/10/2018 08:06

and perhaps the much more likely scenario of banging the pan back on the hob firmly, spilling it, then stroppily scooping the food into the sink or something.

It was much more likely that he banged the pan on the hob despite the OP saying in that he ‘flung it at a wall’? Not sure how you’ve reasoned something entirely different to what she has said.

I used to have a real problem with not being listened to in a relationship. I would be talked over, ignored, listened to at the time and then everything immediately forget moments later, stonewalled and shouted down. I don’t know if this is the OP’s general experience but I could certainly understand feeling frustrated enough about not being heard to stomp a foot (of all the possible, serious crimes a person could commit).

However I could never understand or rationalise ‘flinging’ a hot pan at a wall. Never. It’s a very sad state of affairs when people are painting ‘stomping a foot’ as equal or, in some cases, worse than throwing heavy, hot things at the wall. It’s get’s even sadder when posters are actively trying to find ways of downplaying the man’s actions in the situation that the OP has described to justify lambasting the OP.

IHeartKingThistle · 12/10/2018 08:08

YY don'ttalk.

Many many posters have equated the two things by saying ýou both overreacted' or 'you both behaved badly'.

anniehm · 12/10/2018 08:11

If you share cooking (if only) you need to leave them to get on with it. He over reacted for sure but you need to let dp cook without interference unless they seek help, they are not a child.

Dontalkoverme · 12/10/2018 08:12

but as they then ate the meal

From the OP: Obviously after it all happened its not been eaten anyway so my issue wasn't really the food, just the quick reaction it caused.

The other thing being wilfully ignored here is that despite the DP telling her to go and sit down whilst he made dinner, he then complained that she’d left him to it. Why send her away and then moan about it afterwards?

FullTimeYummy · 12/10/2018 08:14

The wall in question could feasibly (and most likely would have been) the wall 3 inches behind the hob i.e. the wall well within range of a slightly stroppy placement of a wok.

However I have asked for clarification on the matter, rather than making an auto-judgement against the man without key information.

As for not being listened to, if you are offering repeated, patronising, inappropriate opinions, that are factually inaccurate, you can expect to not be listened to, sorry about that.

FullTimeYummy · 12/10/2018 08:15

//\ to donttalkoverme

Dontalkoverme · 12/10/2018 08:17

As for not being listened to, if you are offering repeated, patronising, inappropriate opinions, that are factually inaccurate, you can expect to not be listened to, sorry about that.

Ah, of course. That’s why I spend several years of my life being ignored by my partner. Thanks for clearing it up that it was all my fault.

SillySallySingsSongs · 12/10/2018 08:20

It’s get’s even sadder when posters are actively trying to find ways of downplaying the man’s actions in the situation that the OP has described to justify lambasting the OP.

I'm not downplaying the man's actions at all. Nor am I downplaying the OPs actions.

She antagonistically followed him upstairs continuing an argument that he was removing himself from. That imo isn't on either.

FullTimeYummy · 12/10/2018 08:22

Donttalkoverme

Maybe, just maybe, your situation was different to the OPs, so your advice/experience doesn't carry over? Just a thought

maxthemartian · 12/10/2018 08:23

How depressing that people are defending and minimising a completely OTT violent reaction.

I could imagine myself going into the kitchen when DH is cooking and offering a less than helpful suggestion as I can be annoying that way. I'd get an eyeroll, not the pan launched into the wall.

But I've seen this before. Male violence minimised. Unless you're the "perfect" victim you'll be deemed to have provoked it.

EdisonLightBulb · 12/10/2018 08:44

He has anger issues but you shouldn't be butting in if he is cooking. By all means shout from the living room "something's burning" but he's a big boy and is perfectly capable of understanding what this means and the implications of burnt food.

mrbob · 12/10/2018 08:53

I threw something once while cooking (something much smaller than a pan) because my sibling wouldn't shut up about how I should be doing something (despite me having cooked this thing many times before) I asked them MULTIPLE times to stop doing what they were doing. It was a at a stage I couldn't move away from the food or it would have been ruined and I threw something. I am not hugely proud of that but I feel she was equally in the wrong. I have managed to not turn into an abuser and have never hit anyone. What you were doing was REALLY annoying.

Original poster
Noodle101 · 12/10/2018 08:59

Oh gosh sorry I went to sleep quite early and didn't update. When i wrote flung against the wall in my earlier posts, i meant that he pushed the pan in a quick manner so it skidded fast into the wall and could have easily ricocheted off into one of us. Sorry for the confusion i can see pps are describing it as a throw he actually threw a piece of garlic bread from the oven that he grabbed off his plate and threw in the sink) i know how immature it all sounds but it has been good for me too see all the responses.
The last time i stamped my foot was years ago, its not a regular occurence at all and Im usually very calm and chilled, I think i had that reaction because i was frustrated how he wasn't listening, i agree it was a stupid thing to do. I just wanted other's opinions on dp reaction, it has been really helpful to see what people think. For me I think it is another example of his quick temper (which has never ever been directed physically at me).
We did talk last night, I obviously apologised for my 'foot stamp' but said he needs to go to some form of anger/stress management as it seemed an ott reaction from him. To some pps i can understand why the situation looks completely my fault but there have been similar reactions from him in the past (where i know my behaviour did not cause it) and I do love him, he has said once before that he 'sees red' and he agrees this is not normal and i have said that the only way Im staying is if he goes to some form of management counselling.

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 12/10/2018 09:01

So he didn’t actually fling the own against the wall and throw all the dinner into the sink.

Ffs.

sonjadog · 12/10/2018 09:03

I think you need to take a serious look at your own behaviour, tbh. You seem to be very focused on making it all his fault and minimizing the part you have played.

FullTimeYummy · 12/10/2018 09:04

he pushed the pan

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

SillySallySingsSongs · 12/10/2018 09:08

Right so he didnt throw anything. I hope the posters that have accused him of all sorts are going to come back and apologise. I doubt it though

I just wanted other's opinions on dp reaction

What by completely over exaggerating what he did. Disgraceful tbh.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2018 09:13

Why would anybody apologise for having been misled SillySally? People respond to what OPs tell us.

sonjadog · 12/10/2018 09:16

Also, he isn´t here, so who would they be apologizing to exactly?

gamerchick · 12/10/2018 09:17

So he didn’t actually fling the own against the wall and throw all the dinner into the sink

That's one pretty huge backpeddle Grin

I just wanted other's opinions on dp reaction

So the next time if in a petulant row for eg he gently moves you out of the way when you're blocking the doorway you're going to come and tell us he punched you in the face?

Time to grow the hell up OP, both of you.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2018 09:21

People respond to what OPs tell us

I think it was fairly obvious to anyone with any critical thinking skills he didn't throw it against the wall, for the simple fact she then told us they ate the meal.

Unless of course posters think they then scooped it up off the floor and off the wall and chowed down on it.

Blackoutblinds · 12/10/2018 09:22

Seriously you have done your partner a huge huge disservice in the way you wrote this and have painted him in the blackest light possible.

I find that pretty unfair and if it’s typical of how you talk about things, combined with the foot stamp and controlling behaviour from you I would be advising him to LTB if he was my son and asked my opinion.

You have completely over dramatised something that was really nothing like what you described it as and you ended up with people telling you he was abusive it was abuse all sorts.

You lied to put him in the worst light possible on here.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/10/2018 09:25

Um Bluntness100 did you mean to be so rude?

Op said Obviously after it all happened its not been eaten anyway so my issue wasn't really the food, just the quick reaction it caused.

She told us they did not eat the food.

MsLexic · 12/10/2018 09:27

Am I the only one who thinks that flinging a burning hot frying pan at a wall is unacceptable behaviour? Does he often do things like this?

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2018 09:28

What I'm not sure about op is why he has to go to anger management but you don't? You clearly have a significant issue and based on this scenario he is no worse than you.

I mean seriously. He shoved the pan to the back of the hob and chucked a bit of garlic bread in the sink? Yet you came through, had a go at him for not cooking dinner appropriately, and then clearly got angry with him about it. His reaction seems quite normal and most people would be fucked off with your behaviour.

You also skewed your op to make it look like he'd picked the pan up and violently threw it at the wall. When he did no such thing and that became very clear and that skewed a lot of the responses to you.

Right now it would seem you're the abusive one.