Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did i over react about dinner?

214 replies

Noodle101 · 11/10/2018 20:23

Long time lurker just changer username for privacy. Probably should have put this in relationships but wanted here for traffic.

Currently sitting in tears over what seems to be the most ridiculous argument with my dp. There is 5 years of history where arguments have often,I feel, have been of his quick temper and unreasonable behaviour.

Tonight we were cooking a stirfry, he tells me to go back in the sitting room as he will cook, I go back into the kitchen to say I think its burning, he is standing over the heat and shouts at me its not burning. I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me, i don't want the food to be ruined. DP proceeds to fling the frying pan against the wall and chuck food across the kitchen into the sink and shout at me. He then goes upstairs, i follow him saying what the hell, why are you so quick to anger? I then am so shocked and upset that i say i don't want to be with him anymore and i go downstairs and have a glass of wine to calm down.

10 mins later he is downstairs saying he understands he overreacted but only did so because i was berating him about the food, and all he keeps saying to me is is the food actually burnt? As if that will validate him being so quick to anger.

Sorry if this seems so ridiculous I just wonder if he has reacted unnecessarily or if I drove him to it? Last week we had an argument because he said a few nasty things about my job choices, he has apologised profusely for that, but obviously I am now really upset that another argument has occurred.

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 11/10/2018 21:52

Good grief, I can’t believe some of the responses here! Stamping your foot is, yes, immature and annoying. BUT throwing a fucking screaming hot frying pan across a room?? One of these actions is immature, one is VIOLENT. I would consider someone throwing a hot frying pan full of food in my direction and act of violence. I can’t even imagine the shock, stress, potential danger, and bloody mess! Even if my husband had chucked food straight in the bin in a rage, I would consider that as outrageous and way worse than stamping a foot. There’s absolutely no excuse for flinging that pan - jeez has anyone felt the weight of a decent frying pan?? My DH also is really strong, if he’d flung a frying pan it would be hitting something with quite a force. Imagine if that had hit OP in the face, in addition to the weight, it was hot off the gas. In what world is that justified??? “Yeah but the stupid cow did stamp her foot, she deserved it”. WTF

busybarbara · 11/10/2018 21:54

Totally agree theWarOnPeace. Not to mention that a stir fry is by definition filled with boiling hot oil(!) Throwing a pan of vegetables would be one thing but boiling hot oil is another. I suspect he is only getting sympathy here from the sort of people who would themselves be into throwing pans around when they're in a strop.

formerbabe · 11/10/2018 21:56

I'm also shocked at this thread. So many posters criticising the op yet defending his behaviour. Throwing a hot pan across the room is unhinged...he sounds awful.

sonjadog · 11/10/2018 21:57

You sound immensely annoying. Demanding things being done your way, micro-managing something someone else is doing, stamping your foot when you don't get your way. He shouldn't have snapped and thrown the food. He is also in the wrong here. But I have some sympathy with his frustration.

formerbabe · 11/10/2018 21:59

I get the impression that the op stamped her foot in frustration because her partner doesn't listen to her or take on board her comments.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 11/10/2018 22:06

You both behaved ridiculously.
Throwing the pan seems extreme but we are getting only one side here. I’m thinking more of slamming it down and the food going everywhere. The op also says she stamped her foot and spoke to her partner for eg but no way is anyone annoyed enough to stamp their foot speaking - she was yelling.
All over a stir fry. I honestly think that both of you need help to control your tempers.

Weathermonger · 11/10/2018 22:08

OK so the OP mentions the food might be burning and he shouts at her. First off that is a totally over the top reaction. A simple "I'm handling it" would suffice, not shouting. The OP stamps her foot, so what ? Big deal, she isn't striking out at anyone. He retaliates by throwing a hot pan of food. Sheer stupidity not to mention bloody dangerous. He obviously has anger issues, I don't understand how anyone can find fault with the OP. Quite honestly with that kind of temper I'd put as much distance as possible between you. Good luck !

Bluntness100 · 11/10/2018 22:14

To be honest, if I was cooking my husband dinner and he came in and told me I wasn't doing it right and Stamped his foot, I'd be tempted to throw the pan at the wall. He'd certainly get told to fuck off in no uncertain terms and he'd not be getting any dinner unless he made it himself.

But my husband would never come and tell me I wasn't cooking dinner right, and he'd never stamp his foot, because what adult stamps their foot? So really what my reaction would be is moot.

Either way neither the op or her partner are very pleasant people..

gamerchick · 11/10/2018 22:16

I live in a house where no one ever throws objects in anger, let alone hot ones. Because we're both adults and neither of us are abusive.

Indeed, me neither.

This thread is just another one to make me think we've been overrun by strange people. Like deliberately strange Hmm

MadeForThis · 11/10/2018 22:21

Were you both drunk?

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 22:22

I live in a house where no one ever throws objects in anger, let alone hot ones. Because we're both adults and neither of us are abusive.

So do I. I also live in a house where we arent so childish that we feet stamp and demand that we are listened to.

I also live in a house where someone is removing themselves from an argument they do so and the other doesn't antagonistically follow them continuing the argument.

Throwing stuff is bad. OPs behaviour isn't good either imo

Celebelly · 11/10/2018 22:23

I find it either very strange or very sad, I'm not sure which.

It's incredibly worrying that there seem to be so many women (I'm guessing the vast majority of the posters are women) who don't view this behaviour as troublingly aggressive and who think that the OP provoked this kind of violent outburst, as if nagging someone and stamping a foot excuses someone throwing heavy objects at the wall in a rage. It makes me worried that there are people in relationships (and possibly with children) where this kind of behaviour is normalised and that they've been worn down or browbeaten into believing it's normal behaviour or that it's fine to display anger in this way.

It is not normal behaviour, and to anyone reading this, if you are in a relationship where your partner is prone to violent outbursts where he or she flings heavy household items at the wall, please believe that you do not have to accept this and your behaviour has not warranted this. This is not how a relationship should be or has to be.

bluetrampolines · 11/10/2018 22:25

I think you are demented because he is pissing you off and you are unwittingly accommodating him in lots of aspects and areas of your life.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 11/10/2018 22:28

Agreed Bluntness. Seems like a couple who have zero respect for each other and don’t like each other very much. Not the kind of interaction that happens on a loving relationship.

missymayhemsmum · 11/10/2018 22:30

What a stupid argument. So who gets to clean the kitchen?

SillySallySingsSongs · 11/10/2018 22:31

Seems like a couple who have zero respect for each other and don’t like each other very much. Not the kind of interaction that happens on a loving relationship.

I agree with that.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 11/10/2018 22:33

I think we are forgetting that the partner didn’t throw the pan at the op - even in anger. Throwing anything is obviously not on past the age of 2 but neither is foot stomping. If I saw an adult doing either of these things I’d find it pretty shocking and advise them to get help for their anger.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 11/10/2018 22:40

I had an ex who used to criticise and police me in the kitchen despite the fact that she could not cook for shit and i did 95% of the cooking. I lost my rag one time but I just stopped what I was doing, turned off the gas and walked to the pub to have dinner there instead. I would never throw a pan at the all though, one that’s a scary loss of control, and two, Le Cruset pans are expensive to replace.

Holidayfromreal · 11/10/2018 22:43

Throwing something hot and heavy across a room is never ok. What if it had hit the OP, would that be ok because he wasn't aiming for her? If he doesn't like her behaviour then he should leave BEFORE throwing the boiling hot food.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 11/10/2018 22:49

I don't understand. MN is supposed to urge you to LTB if he fails to wash a teaspoon, yet so many people on here are unfazed by someone throwing a hot frying pan at a wall.

I actually couldn't care less if someone stamps their foot. Throwing a full, hot frying pan is another matter.

Missingstreetlife · 11/10/2018 22:52

Aggressive, unreasonable behaviour by him

tolerable · 11/10/2018 22:53

more going on here than dinner off the wall. I hate a hover in the kitchen. however-if youd complied they gonna say you were bullied..if met him(imaginary )halfway..you say to assist(-i call potentially undermind,defo provide commentary)theyll say is normalish-who wants burnt food..he bounced it,you followed.step beyond provocation or trying to understand. what do you want from this.couple of hormonals or big trouble dressed up?(can already accept in my head i know what i just tried to say-i wasnt being horrible)i hate games is all

lottiegarbanzo · 11/10/2018 22:55

I could not live with a person who flings hot pans. I find that idea terrifying. I would never be able to relax in the presence of such a person, far less share a home with them.

You sound really annoying. He sounds scary.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 11/10/2018 22:57

If I saw an adult doing either of these things I’d find it pretty shocking and advise them to get help for their anger.

You'd be shocked by someone stamping their foot and advise them for help with their anger?

And you'd put it on the same level as someone who flings a hot utensil full of hot food at a wall?

Losingthewill1 · 11/10/2018 22:59

HE THREW SOMETHING AT A WALL ! Leave him OP he sounds like a child