Did i over react about dinner?

[Noodle101]

Long time lurker just changer username for privacy. Probably should have put this in relationships but wanted here for traffic.

Currently sitting in tears over what seems to be the most ridiculous argument with my dp. There is 5 years of history where arguments have often,I feel, have been of his quick temper and unreasonable behaviour.

Tonight we were cooking a stirfry, he tells me to go back in the sitting room as he will cook, I go back into the kitchen to say I think its burning, he is standing over the heat and shouts at me its not burning. I feel frustrated and (this makes me sounds about 2) stamp one foot and say listen to me, i don't want the food to be ruined. DP proceeds to fling the frying pan against the wall and chuck food across the kitchen into the sink and shout at me. He then goes upstairs, i follow him saying what the hell, why are you so quick to anger? I then am so shocked and upset that i say i don't want to be with him anymore and i go downstairs and have a glass of wine to calm down.

10 mins later he is downstairs saying he understands he overreacted but only did so because i was berating him about the food, and all he keeps saying to me is is the food actually burnt? As if that will validate him being so quick to anger.

Sorry if this seems so ridiculous I just wonder if he has reacted unnecessarily or if I drove him to it? Last week we had an argument because he said a few nasty things about my job choices, he has apologised profusely for that, but obviously I am now really upset that another argument has occurred.

Just saw your update - so he asked you to come back to help?

you stomped your foot, like a child, and he over-reacted. Do you undermine him a lot? Sorry to ask, because flinging a frying pan sounds very extreme, if your constantly having little digs at him, maybe tonight he just had enough and he went over the top. If not and he has form for this - then he has anger issues.

My father was like this - my mother constantly nags at him, youre doing this wrong, that wrong, everything is wrong wrong wrong, ever so often my dad would flip and he might bang the table - or one time he threw a plate in the sink and it broke, because my mum said he couldn't do the dishes properly. My mum is better as she got older - but it did get to him.

I think he's probably sick of being berated by you and he snapped. You need to stop undermining him, he's a grown man, and will end up resenting you if you don't.

When an adult is cooking dinner and says they have it hand, you don't stamp your feet and tell them they have to do it your way. Really. That's horrible behaviour.

His reaction was extreme, and I wouldn't like it at all. But if you always behave like that, he's probably reached the end of his tether. I wouldn't react well to what you did - but my reaction would be to walk out and say "do it yourself then", followed by a very quick termination of the relationship if this was typical behaviour from you. I wouldn't throw a pan of food against the wall though - that is quite a violent reaction.

You got toddler-angry. He got pissed-off-bloke-trying-to-scare-you-angry. Neither looks great but I don't believe foot stamping is in the same league as flinging a hot frying pan full of food at the wall.

I definitely don't nag, I am relatively over excitable as a person and I agree that sometimes this could come across as questioning, but I am used to a childhood in a controlling household so I try to work on that, but yes on this time he did say I'd left him to it so I just came back into help (sorry to drip feed). I really appreciate all your opinions, i do agree that my reaction was childish and ridiculous but his anger was definitely an overreaction.

Both of you were out of order. You should have left him to it and not stamped your foot. He shouldn’t have thrown stuff.

There is no excuse for him flinging the pan against the wall, even if you were being unreasonable. I wouldn’t want to be with him either.

You both sound incredibly immature.

And I couldn't be with someone that throws things in anger. No way.

Wow...just wow . I've seen my son and daughter communicate better than that. There must be underlying issues surely ? I couldn't live like that!

I think the pair of you are unreasonable - backseat cooking drives me nuts. However, throwing the pan could have been very dangerous. I’d be concerned if someone got that mad.

If you'd stamped your foot at me and told me how to cook, I'd probably have thrown the pan at you! Not at the wall.

I'm honestly flabbergasted that so few people are acknowledging how OTT his reaction was, but I'm appalled that you essentially agree with him. I can't think of what combination of circumstances would lead me to throw a hot pan of food at the wall. It's not a normal reaction.

You sound highly unreasonable - firstly for being so irritating and meddling in his cooking, and secondly for then following him around when he was clearly trying to get some space from you. Grow up.

You stamped your foot and demanded that he should listen to you about the food being burnt... when it wasn't even burnt? And then he threw the frying pan at the wall?

He grossly overreacted and in a dangerous way. Stir fry uses oil and it could have scalded either of you. But.. do you always pick holes in his work like this? If so it can really wear someone down so you need to rein it in

I went out with someone similar quick to temper but always apologised afterwards plausibly. I’d ignore all the people saying you are immature and look back (write down if helpful) all the incidents. Mine was an abusive bully but I accommodated him because I also grew up in controlling household. I think if you do you have a higher ‘tolerance’ unfortunately for twatty behaviour. Losing his shit because you enquire about food is not ok, throwing it is the sign of a violent temper that you need to keep an eye on. Sorry if that sounds like a lecture but my ex threw a curry across the wall because I put yoghurt on it and I’d ‘ruined’ his cooking!!! Trust your gut if you are bring belittled on a regular basis somethings not right.

It's really hard to know what sort of squabble went between you.

But throwing a pan at the wall and storming off is outrageous. I'd not be happy living with that are you? Maybe you wound him up a bit or not, who cares?

You had a tantrum and so did he. His overreaction was dangerous however. Your attitude would have really fucked me off but he could have hurt someone. I think you both need to assess your behaviour.

Haha. Yes you did and so did he. Doesn't sound like grown ups!

I’m in the minority as I think his behaviour was reprehensible.

Your foot stamping would’ve pissed me off for sure, but I’d have told you to do it yourself, maybe swore, and left the kitchen.

Throwing a pan of hot food across the room is horribly violent.

I’d be calling a day on this one.

Your DH vastly overreacted and I would have a massive problem with anyone who is throwing food and a pan in the wall out of anger.
Regardless of what is happening, no one will have ‘drove him to it’.

I wouod be very annoyed at someone who would be coming to see what I’m doung, commenting and basically telling me off for. It doing things their way. I think you were overbearing there.

It doesn’t excuse his reaction.

You sound like a fucking nightmare.

I’d love to live in Mn land where no one ever gets angry and occasionally flips their lid. I would have thrown the frying pan too. Probably at you.

He'd sent you 'into the sitting room to drink wine' - that sounds as if he wanted to just get on with the stir fry on his own.

Thank you all, it is really helpful seeing the various responses. Theres been a few times I've questioned the quick temper but i do forgive quickly as I was brought up in a highly strung household so suppose view it as quite normal

You were both immature and ridiculous to behave anything like this.

However, I agree with pp that throwing a hot pan full of food at the wall is appalling and several notches above stamping your foot (however irritating that might be).

That kind of aggressive, angry behaviour is probably a deal breaker for me.