Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 14:57

What a weird thing to have conversations about, especially when you don’t have any expectation of him leaving. How does the subject come up? Have your kids heard you talking like this? What does your husband say?

Surely if he did leave, you would try and do what’s best for the kids? Instead of viewing them as a burden holding you down. Can you ever truly claim to have ‘paid your dues’ when talking about caring for the kids you decided to have?

user1471517900 · 09/10/2018 14:58

Sometimes it's so beautiful to read what true love really looks like in written form.

formerbabe · 09/10/2018 14:59

Not sure if your post is light hearted or not op?!

Though, I often joke with Mr formerbabe that if we ever break up, he's welcome to have them full time Grin

Mugglemom · 09/10/2018 14:59

I've thought about it, although I have no intention of leaving my DH and don't believe he has of leaving me. But for our son's benefit, I'd want to split custody 50/50. I think it'd be the most fair thing for him!

Original poster
DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:59

It’s not like I’d be leaving them on the streets, they’d be with their father who adores them. They have to live with someone and I’d rather it be him so I can have the freedom to do whatever I like to make up for my broken heart.

OP posts:
cooblanket · 09/10/2018 15:00
Confused
HeadHeartandSoul · 09/10/2018 15:01

You know what? As a SAHM dumped in it, I get where this poster is coming from. It is tough being a Single Parent with all the emotional and practical (and pretty much all the financial) responsibility. I couldn't do It, but I understand why the OP hypothesises like that.

slingingtothemusicinmyhead · 09/10/2018 15:01

I think you need some time to yourself

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 09/10/2018 15:02

Eh? Confused

BoundByBriars · 09/10/2018 15:02

Ah, but then you would be "abandoning" your children and wouldn't the old folk gossip and whisper "she never!". Wink

MemoryOfSleep · 09/10/2018 15:02

@user147 Grin made me smile

Do what you think is best, op. How is being a sahm working for you? I'm wondering if perhaps you aren't happy with the status quo?

AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 15:03

It’s just a weird conversation to have with someone who isn’t planning to leave Confused

Is the issue that you already feel abandoned by him? Should he be doing more to meet his fair share?

NorthernRunner · 09/10/2018 15:03

If this is light hearted then yes I agree...if it isn’t, are you ok OP?

Mrsharrison · 09/10/2018 15:03

Back in the 70s and 80s I remember quite a few women doing this. Dp goes off to live
with ow, so wife packs up kids with their clothes, toys etc and leaves them on ow's doorstep before driving off.
The new relationship broke down quickly and dp came home.e family together.
Times have changed and I don't think many women doing that now. I guess women were more vulnerable financially back then and acted drastically to keep th

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 15:04

Do you get out much without the kids OP?

DH knows if he ever leaves me he would. Have to fight if he wanted our son. Decent regular access yes, but I would busy him in the garden before I have up custody. Also my mum left when I was very young and never ever tried for custody, she simply visited a few hours a few days a week. I might not have gotten over it...

HollowTalk · 09/10/2018 15:04

Your children are so lucky.

ChelleDawg2020 · 09/10/2018 15:04

You know, this could backfire on you. Threatening your partner, or at least telling him how you'd retaliate if he left you, might put the seed of doubt into his mind about your commitment to him.

Also, if he "adores" his kids, perhaps he'd like the fact you "dump" them on him? Plenty of fathers complain they don't get custody, that the system is stacked in favour of the mother. You promising he'll get to look after the kids might encourage him to go, if he was actually considering splitting up.

RonniePickering · 09/10/2018 15:04

Bit odd.

CaramelAngel · 09/10/2018 15:05

I guess it might make some men think twice about swanning off with an OW if they thought they might have to do the bulk of the childcare and the mum get to be a Disney Mum!

ambereeree · 09/10/2018 15:06

Why how what??? Please tell us how you started the conversation with your DH.

SpottingTheZebras · 09/10/2018 15:06

And if he refuses, are you happy for them to go into care?

GunpowderGelatine · 09/10/2018 15:06

I totally get that OP. Mums are always the default parents, and too many dads get away with leaving.

I do hope you're ok though!

GunpowderGelatine · 09/10/2018 15:07

And if he refuses, are you happy for them to go into care?

Not quite how it works. You can just elect children to 'go into care'

FissionChips · 09/10/2018 15:09

I’ve told my DH the same thing. It came up in conversation after reading a few threads on here where women have been left with the children while their partner fucked off for a care free life.

tomhazard · 09/10/2018 15:11

If my husband did this I would let him swan off (although I don't find this likely) and do the weekend dad thing.

There's no way I could be separated from my children for whole weeks at a time, whatever he was supposedly doing.
I find parenting hard but I would do anything to keep hold of my children anyway.

You sound like you need a bit of time out of childcare