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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
HenryInTheTunnel · 09/10/2018 16:55

It is crap sleeping, but you must agree that most would not bat an eyelid if, say a male colleague had this arrangement. It's very common.

A woman with this arrangement is not very socially acceptable and personally i would honestly assume that there was probably a reason why she was not able to her her children with her. I know that's not right, but it would be my natural reaction.

PiperPublickOccurrences · 09/10/2018 16:55

I say this in jest to my DH too. Along with "I;ll take you for everything you own" and "not before I've cleared the joint accounts".

Neither of us really mean it. Talk of involving SS is just ridiculous.

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 16:55

PrimalLass well I fail to see the humour in it - but that's probably because I've lived it, as have my poor DC.

swingofthings · 09/10/2018 16:55

OP you sound like you could indeed really do with a holiday because your posts are totally contradictory.

You say you are going through the scenario of your OH leaving yet say that if it happened it would be such a shock you wouldn't be emetionally stable enough to care for your kids. You say you'd be an emotional mess hence the kids better off with their dad but the talk about how you'd then be having your fun.

It sounds like you resent your OH free time from the kids to the point of almost wishing him to be stuck with the kids FT so he can understand what it's like.

Yes it's hard when you never seem to have time for yourself. I didn't have any for many years but when you look back you realise how lucky you are to have your children. Many men cry their hearts out when they have to get used to seeing theirs only once every other week. You would miss your kids dreadfully too after you had your fun.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 09/10/2018 16:56

Imagine the devastating impact on children of their primary carer just fucking off and only popping back to do the Disney parent stuff.

Imagine a father that never really steps up to look after his own dcs because ‘his dw is a SAHM’.
SAHM are only fully primary carer (as in more or less the only carer) because fathers do fuck all about parenting and looking after their dcs. If a mother can be a primary carer whiostnworking full time then so can a father working full time.

You wouldn’t accept a father doing so little that his dcs wouod be devastated because he is the one to suddenly do the caring.

PrimalLass · 09/10/2018 16:57

PrimalLass well I fail to see the humour in it - but that's probably because I've lived it, as have my poor DC.

As have I as a child. I can still make a joke about it with DP. Because it's a joke.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 16:58

somehow it’s normal or eve;really good if a father leaves their dcs to the mother and see them EOW??
Does anyone actually think its really good for the father to only see the kids fortnightly if you take away the mothers anger / upset and wanting to punish him by withholding the kids or the father being abusive etc?
If two nice, good parents break up would anyone actually think it's in the best interest of the kids to see him for two days every other week?

I always thought I'd suggest Sat-Sun one week, Sun-Mon one week, Fri-Min one week and one weekend off. Then a day mThe week for tea. So something like 6 out of 14

Firesuit · 09/10/2018 16:59

Not sure if it's relevant to this thread, but I sometimes think that the default on separation should be that the higher earner should get the children. If he's not the more competent parent, he can learn. If he doesn't want them all the time, who better to pay to take them off his hands than the other parent. I reckon this is a full-proof way to get hands-off dads to want to pay maintenance.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 16:59

Op, is this supposed to be some form of threat to him to make him stay with you? That if he ever thinks of leaving uou he needs to consider he'd have to be a single parent and as such think twice? So he has to stay with uou if he doesn't wish sole custody of the kids?

What if he also says no. Would the pair of you put them into care?

I find it very odd to use your children in this way and threaten to leave them as some sort of weapon in a fight to keep your husband with you.

Notrightatall · 09/10/2018 17:01

Actually I said to dh once after talking about someone we know who was going through divorce. I said if you ever left me for another woman you can expect to have the kids on her doorstep with their things. We will soon see if she would want you then.... he was a bit shocked by this at first then said fair enough not that I'm planning that. So I get what you mean. And our convo was light hearted

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:04

Surely the default should be that whoever leaves doesn't get to take the kids unless the other parent is abusive / the kids are able to decide.
Why should you get to walk away and take the kids, then demand he pays you for the privilege and then refuse all but minimal contact just because you've fallen out of love.

Postino · 09/10/2018 17:05

When stbxh left us and moved into his own flat, I suggested (didn't really mean it) that we each spent 6 months of the year there, and 6 months living with the dc.

I think it helped him realise the extent to which he was screwing me over.

LolaPickle · 09/10/2018 17:10

I find this strange

Especially the 'I've paid my dues' bit

Sounds to me like OP is fantasizing about life as a single woman

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 09/10/2018 17:11

Interesting how many PPs are saying it should be 50/50 custody when on other threads it's always stressed that 50/50 is detrimental to the DCs because kids need one stable base to call home.

I get what you mean though OP.

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 17:12

You're happy enough spending his money to have a holiday from the world of work op. If anybody's "paid their dues" it's him!

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:15

Interesting how many PPs are saying it should be 50/50 custody
He'd see them 6/14 but they'd sleep over at his only 4 nights a fortnight at most.
I think there's also a difference between loving yourovely husband and thinking you'd want the kids to see him as much as you see them
And the reality of a broken heart, broken hearted kids, a ska ky ex who's shagging Louise in accounts

Branleuse · 09/10/2018 17:15

you might find the reality of that not what you expect.

My partner has told me he would be happy to have the kids, but theres a big difference between being desperate for a decent break, and not having them live with you at all

OriginalGeordie · 09/10/2018 17:15

It’s not that a strange conversation to have. DH and I have always said that it would be 50/50 in the event of a breakup. Why shouldn’t it be?

Cornishclio · 09/10/2018 17:15

So how would that work financially OP? As a SAHM could you go back to earning sufficient to cover your bills, cover maintenance and 50% childcare costs? Presumably your DP would have to stump up for the other 50%.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:16

You're happy enough spending his money to have a holiday from the world of work op
ODFOD
Being a sahp parent, doing most of not all the childcare, school runs, medical appts and housework is not a fucking holiday

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 17:19

@SleepingStandingUp - hey I'm just sharing my view

NewtScamandersNaughtyNiffler · 09/10/2018 17:20

Ex and I always joked after DS2 was born that if we split we would keep one each. Mainly because we had "his and hers" babies where DS1 looked exactly like my family (blonde hair, blue eyes) and DS2 looked just like his dad's side (darker colouring). Of course when we split we never even mentioned separating the 2 boys. He's never asked to be RP, except when he's trying to upset me, and I've never wanted him to be.

I've told DP that if we split up he can keep them because I had to last time. Obviously is a joke because they aren't even his children.

FaFoutis · 09/10/2018 17:23

This thread is a bit of an eye opener. We are not very far along the road to equality.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 17:24

Well Max I'm just helping you to know that yiur opinion is ridiculous. Hth

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 17:27

Well Max I'm just helping you to know that yiur opinion is ridiculous it's not. Get a job. HTH.