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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
FaFoutis · 09/10/2018 15:13

YANBU
I know exactly what you mean.

triwarrior · 09/10/2018 15:14

I assumed it was lighthearted - and in a temper I was shouted the same to DH. “Why don’t you just leave then?” DH: “Maybe I will.” Me: “Take the kids with you.” DH: “Erm, maybe I’ll wait until later, looks cold out.” 😄

Twiggy71 · 09/10/2018 15:14

Wish i had done the same op i was left with 2 dc while my exh shagged half the country. While being a disney dad to boot. Now the 2 dc have grown up their df is wonderful while i'm broke and taken for granted..

Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 15:15

Meanwhile irl you exh will tell your dc you left them because you didn't want them, you will have forever to rebuild your relationship with them and try and undo the psychological damage he did.
Ime.

thenightsky · 09/10/2018 15:16

After reading many threads on MN about DPs and DHs just clearing off because they fancy it, I tend to agree with you OP. Perhaps their bluff should be called more often.

KaliforniaDreamz · 09/10/2018 15:16

I have said exactly the same thing to my DH!!!!!

YetAnotherUser · 09/10/2018 15:16

I'm a single dad, and I've the shoe on all three feet:

When I split p with my kids mum they lived with her full time and I had contact, paid maintenance etc etc

Then things went tits up for her and the kids lived with me full time and she had contact...

Finally got things onto an even keel and now we have shared care.

And to be honest, I'd take having the kids living with me. Every. Single. Time.

KaliforniaDreamz · 09/10/2018 15:18

You can take all of ours too YetAnother

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 15:18

Yup had that same convo. I hope my kids never find out about it though.

Just too many threads of men starting their life from fresh while demanding paternity rights as a vacation Dad to do all the fun stuff and leave the hard work for mum. Too many...

That should give them a way to think.

It’s unreasonable but in the bigger picture it’s a great deterrent lol

sparechange · 09/10/2018 15:18

My mother left us as kids with my dad when she walked out (to shack up with the OM)

She now has 4 adult children who haven't had any contact with her in years (in my case, 20+ years)

CaMePlaitPas · 09/10/2018 15:18

I'm a SAHM and I get it. There's no way I'm having no support whilst he swans off to do whatever he wants. However I've said absolutely 50/50 - two weeks at his, two weeks at mine. I'll take him to court and get it written in fucking stone if I have to. Bloody men.

Foreverexhausted · 09/10/2018 15:19

I'm with you OP! :)

We've often joked about how have we ended up here? When we met neither of us wanted children (we were mid 30's) and loved travelling etc, we're now early/mid 40's with three! I've often said if DP wants to leave he can but I'll go straight for 50/50 custody and will be dumping them on his doorstep every other weekend. :) If he gets to have every other weekend getting up when he wants, going out when he wants, doing what he wants then I want the same :)

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 15:20

yetanotheruser you are a bit rare though. Or there is a lot of dads like this but once they remarry, they let the new woman blackmail them into forgetting all about their kids

daisyrosegem · 09/10/2018 15:21

@user1471517900 that just made me LOL

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 15:22

You do know that it would be completely unenforceable OP.

My ex-H disappeared off with another woman and I've found it impossible to make him see the DC. If he's off ski-ing, working abroad, on yet another greek island, it is remarkably difficult to make him have the DC!

I figured the only way I could do it would be to do a runner myself on one of the rare occasions he did have the DC, but I love them too much to do that.

However, if your DH is buying your threat OP - go for it! Doesn't matter that it seems odd to me or that it probably wouldn't work in practice.

dawnacorns · 09/10/2018 15:23

I guess it might make some men think twice about swanning off with an OW if they thought they might have to do the bulk of the childcare and the mum get to be a Disney Mum!

this

Haireverywhere · 09/10/2018 15:24

Are you OK OP or was this lighthearted?

Lots of people post about feeling resentful of the part time parent (often the Dad). I didn't realise that people have these conversations with their partner, but have definitely read people who say they think it!

If this is an attempt at making sure he thinks twice before leaving you for an affair partner, if he doesnt fancy full time parenting, it won't stop him from cheating, but maybe from leaving!

charliebear78 · 09/10/2018 15:24

My Sister has always said this-I have always thought it an odd thing to want.
I would be lost without my children,sure a bit of free time would be great!! but after a night away I would want them back at home again..
However if I said that should we split up I would leave the children with my husband full time-he would be thrilled-the last thing he would ever want is to be a part time dad!!!
Luckily we both feel the same about our children!!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 09/10/2018 15:25

I tend to agree, OP. I have a friend who is battling to prevent her unfaithful but not abusive ex-husband getting equal custody, and I keep thinking "Are you mad? Why are you fighting this?!"

I think it's a perfectly reasonable thought and conversation to have.

Changingeveryth · 09/10/2018 15:26

Yep. If we split up, my support for his career ends as it is no longer of any benefit to me or my children. I will need to work so 50/50 care is what happens. He knows this. We also have a pre nup. I personally think discussing these things had made our relationship stronger. Marriage is a legal and financial contract to create a family together. Understanding the break clause, and consequences for everyone makes sense to me.

AngelsSins · 09/10/2018 15:26

Men do this all the time, so I’m really not sure why it should suddenly be so terribly damaging and awful if a mother does the same. I don’t blame you at all OP.

longwayoff · 09/10/2018 15:26

Hmm. I understand your thinking but many of us found ourselves married to men who could not be trusted to look after a pet for a weekend, so entrusting the welfare of children to such articles couldn't be contemplated.

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 15:30

Hahahaha “longwayoff”,.

The I suggest OP schedules in a handover period

theOtherPamAyres · 09/10/2018 15:30

I did something very unwise.

My only excuse is that I was beside myself with grief, loss, shock and I hadn't eaten for 2 days. I bathed my baby and toddler, dressed them in pyjamas and out them in the car, along with equipment and clothes.

I unpacked and left the babies (asleep) and the stuff on the doorstep. I rang the bell and scarpered. I watched from afar as my husband and girlfriend opened the door in a state of undress. I drove and drove before booking myself into a b&b for 2 days. I switched off the phone.

He was back in our house, looking after the babes, when I returned from my mad break. He was fuming and exhausted. The children looked happy.

How was I to know that they had tickets booked for a grand two week holiday abroad and that they hadn't been able to go? Instead, he'd had to care for his children, because the girlfriend was less than impressed.

I had made my point and that was enough for me.

Lalaisloopsy · 09/10/2018 15:30

I understand not wanting to do the grunt work while your ex does the disney dad thing but surely you see how harmful it is to children when one parent leaves and contact is massively reduced suddenly.

50/50 should be the ideal. Children come first no matter how heart broken you are.