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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
Haireverywhere · 09/10/2018 15:30

Beverley Stone relationship author has a contract with all of this stuff in her book.

It's like a pre-nup but more about all sorts of expectations for during, not just in the event of the end of the marriage.

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 15:31

TheOtherPam you poor thing, that must’ve been an emotional roller coaster.

Unwise you say? Sounds like a plan

Oysterbabe · 09/10/2018 15:33

How lovely for your children for you to be arguing over who gets saddled with them before you've even split.

User5895750 · 09/10/2018 15:34

Grin Assuming this is lighthearted.

You do know that you can't MAKE someone (even your DH) look after his kids?

ScienceIsTruth · 09/10/2018 15:34

My oh and I reckon that's why we'll never divorce bc whoever instigates it has to keep the DC, lol. The DC aren't impressed by this!

Hengine · 09/10/2018 15:34

The issue is you can’t force them, well not without putting the kids in a shitty position feeling unwanted by either parent.
I get the sentiment though

ScienceIsTruth · 09/10/2018 15:36

We always say we could imagine being interviewed and them asking the secret to our success on a long marriage, and their faces when we tell them. Lol.

Original poster
DieAntword · 09/10/2018 15:36

50/50 should be the ideal. Children come first no matter how heart broken you are

Maybe but the reality is I’m not going to be on my best behaviour if I have been walked out on. If he’s the one doing the leaving he’d probably have been silently processing it before I was even aware but I’ll be expected to come to terms with it immediately after some bombshell. He’ll be emotionally more stable than me so it will be for the best for the children to have him as a parent and if that also gets him used to being a primary caregiver in the event of eventually switching to 50-50 when I’ve —had my fun— got my head together, then all the better.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 15:37

Not sure you’d get what you envisioned though OP.

I’m a step mum and DP did have full time one kid (the one that needed a lot of support) and we had the other kids every single weekend and days in between and we drove them to school every day and.. (so basically all the time). The Ex got maintenance, a house, worked a few hours a week.

Sounds perfect for Ex right?

I think in many ways it was. However

  • DP did what a lot of men in his position do, not really parent the kids. He is very caring, loving however he did not discipline, or be there enough. He works long hours. So he would leave the kids to it in the early evenings, homework would not get done, he’d go out socializing at the weekend, the kids would be on the computer all hours, he’d get take aways, he’d let his house be a hotel not a home with rules and structure.
  • Ex suddenly started to miss some of them, after a few years, would call them back for major events, talk about how stressful parenting was, but I notice their relationship is distant, and she worries that two of them will never work or leave home.
  • kids themselves vary, one has done really well but is self sufficient and would rather her own life, not close to either parent. The other two are very, very immature and not that happy either really. They have zero life skills having not picked these up as they were pushed to grow up too early, and instead just played computer games.

So be careful what you wish for! Unfortunately this is a true story.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 09/10/2018 15:38

Are you ok? Even if this is meant to be light-hearted, you don't sound very light hearted. Being a stay at home parent isn't right for all of us, perhaps you need some time out?

PookieDo · 09/10/2018 15:44

How can you really compare being a SAHP who is married with being an actual single parent? I never understand this comparison it’s not the same at all

As for leaving your DH with the kids well... wouldn’t you just want shared parenting?

Original poster
DieAntword · 09/10/2018 15:44

To everyone asking if I’m ok, yes, I’m fine, relationship is fine, love my kids. Tired though. Don’t get me wrong if I could justify it I’d leave the lot of them for a week or two and spend it relaxing by a pool somewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
DieAntword · 09/10/2018 15:46

How can you really compare being a SAHP who is married with being an actual single parent? I never understand this comparison it’s not the same at all

I didn’t compare them. I’m very happy being a SAHM and I absolutely do not want to be a single parent. They are totally different I agree.

OP posts:
ShaneTheChef · 09/10/2018 15:46

So in your head you have made up a scenario where you husband is leaving you.

Then, you quite clearly are happy to give no second thought to the fact you'd not want to look after them anymore

I hope for their sake they don't hear you talking like this 😳. They'd feel so unloved. And they'd be concerned at their parents relationship.

You sound mad

Bluetrews25 · 09/10/2018 15:47

Ahhh, Ant, glad you are 'just' tired!
I hope it never comes to the crunch!

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 09/10/2018 15:48

I've been in that position myself and I can say I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't imagine not wanting my kids with me.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/10/2018 15:48

I think it’s a weird conversation to ever of had tbh!

Do people in a happy relationship ever say you leave me and you can keep the kids as I don’t want them? Confused weird

You also think you’ve abandone your dc so you could have some freedom to mend a broken heart? Wtf? Your dc are the only people that will always be in your life and the only people that will love you always provided your are a good parent to them.

Original poster
DieAntword · 09/10/2018 15:49

So in your head you have made up a scenario where you husband is leaving you.

Failure to plan is to plan to fail and all that ;)

OP posts:
ShaneTheChef · 09/10/2018 15:50

If I said this to my husband, he probably think I was plotting to leave or trying to push him away!

Very odd thinking IMO

roundaboutthetown · 09/10/2018 15:51

Wow, DieAntword - you sound really needy yourself. I guess you would be willing to move out of the family home with little notice, then, and deal with all the administrative and financial changes that would bring, even if you couldn't keep caring for the children? Or do you envisage staying put while the whole of the rest of your family move out? It seems an odd thing to be thinking about in a happy marriage - sounds more like an unhappy person's attempts at emotional blackmail.

Laureline · 09/10/2018 15:51

I understand where you’re coming from, OP

Bloobs · 09/10/2018 15:54

It is one of the most extreme examples of the sexism that's still so deeply embedded, that a woman who does this is frowned upon, but with men it happens all the time, it's pretty much expected.

I'm in the situation of the single parent who has the kids most of the time. I have no family support, so work, housework and childcare uses up almost all my time and I have hardly any free time. Ex does pay maintenance but it certainly doesn't cover the extra it costs me, and as he's well-paid he has vastly more disposable income than me, as well as loads of leisure time. It's very, very unfair and I do resent that unfairness.

And yet I couldn't do it to my DC to do it any other way. Because like many women, I left ex because he was an uncaring, selfish twat who wouldn't pull his weight and had little clue about his own DC's lives (among other reasons). They want to be mainly with me – and the reason for that is I was the primary carer from the start (despite also having a career) and so now I'm by far the more experienced carer and the one they are used to.

This is how it is for a lot of single mums I think.

EspressoButler · 09/10/2018 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChinaCrisis · 09/10/2018 15:59

I always told DH that if he ever left me for another women that he'd better make sure that:

A. She liked kids (as he'd be getting custody of all 4 of them)

and

B. She was minted (as they're bloody expensive).

😉

ILoveHumanity · 09/10/2018 15:59

So a lot of men plan for what happens to their properties when divorce happens while the marriage is happy and going ... makes us women feel like they’re ensuring they have a plan from A to Z.

I love my husband but the moment he asked me about prenuptial for the house we bought ( I’m a sahm) was the moment I discussed that he can have the house but the kids inside it too. And then he really started to rethink things 😅