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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:
Laiste · 09/10/2018 16:29

Personally i don't think we can guess exactly how we will feel in any given scenario until it happens to us.

I left my DH and took the kids with me.
He was 'devastated'.
He demanded 50/50 and that i should stay local.
I complied with both requests.
By the 2 week mark the 50/50 arrangement already been broken by him.
4 months later he buggered off to a city an hour away.
That was 10 years ago - he's more or less lost contact with all of his 3 daughters now.
He's a twat.

My story is not quite the same as your scenario OP, but you might find that if your world did fall apart because your spouse left you, you and the children might be a wonderful source of comfort and familiarity for each other. I couldn't have bared to be parted from mine.

Haireverywhere · 09/10/2018 16:32

Are there any mum's on here who are NRP by choice following divorce, whether you left or were left? I guess it would be hard to post on here now!

Welshmaiden85 · 09/10/2018 16:32

Totally get where you are coming from OP.

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 16:35

Agree AmICrazyorWhat2 and the conversations I had with ex-H led me to believe that he agreed and he was in our relationship 100% and that he loved our DC fully and would be as devoted to them as I was for ever! All true until he no longer was!

The logic being proposed here is that had I somehow been sterner or more scary or had threatened a bit harder, he'd have thought 'wow, I better not leave Margo, or I'll end up with the DC'. Bollox to that. Men aren't stupid and they know the law and reality as well as we do.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 16:38

But OP you still haven’t reflected on my point.

What if your DH was being really slack with the kids parenting?

What if you lost a lot of your bond with the kids?

Tinkobell · 09/10/2018 16:39

You sound such a hoot to be around OP.

FilledSoda · 09/10/2018 16:39

I knew a woman who ended her marriage , had her two kids put into care and then they were placed for adoption .

PrimalLass · 09/10/2018 16:41

We both say this all the time OP: if we break up to can have the kids. It's 75% a joke 😲

ShesABelter · 09/10/2018 16:41

I'd never do that to my kids. If he left then they'd be staying with me in their home for some stability. My eldest is almost 14, no way would she be wanting to go with him if he'd left. But I'm not a sahm and I can financially cope alone and I can cope looking after them alone as I done it when he worked abroad.

I'd want him to take them one week a Sunday Monday the next a Friday, Saturday.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2018 16:42

if I could justify it I’d leave the lot of them for a week or two and spend it relaxing by a pool somewhere.

Sounds to me as if you could easily justify it. You sound as if you're at the end of your tether and need a break, or at the very least, some type of change to your day to day life that will give you some time to yourself.

Can you make that happen? If not, why? Both my DH and I have always had some time away from our day to day life. For him it was camping or backpacking. For me it was Disney trips with BFF. Occasionally we'd each take the kids off for the weekend and leave the other at home on their own. Everyone needs their own time. No one loves a martyr.

LongSummerDays · 09/10/2018 16:42
Confused
PrimalLass · 09/10/2018 16:42

An awful lot of the posters here seem rather lacking in humour and empathy.

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 16:43

This thread has really irritated me.

Imagine the devastating impact on children of their primary carer just fucking off and only popping back to do the Disney parent stuff. That kind of stuff damages them for life.

agnurse · 09/10/2018 16:43

The reality is that once you have children, you can't just decide that you don't want to look after them. What if (God forbid) your partner passed away? You can't just dump the children on someone else while you "process".

Parenting is a 24/7 job. Full stop. You also have to remember that if your partner leaves you, he's left your children, too - at least temporarily. You expect that your poor children will be dragged from pillar to post, to Dad's "new" home while you spend time "processing"?

Admittedly maybe I'm a bit biased because such a thing DID happen to my DH. His ex left him and left their daughter with him. She agreed to have their daughter on the days he was working (at the time, Thursday night to Saturday night - he dropped her off on Wednesday evenings). Keep in mind that Hubby is high-functioning autistic and didn't have any family support as his family were in another country. He had a few friends but that was it.

They've had shared custody from the beginning. Today DSD lives with us every other week (she's 14 so old enough that she can be left alone for a few hours while Hubby and I work; Hubby is in a different job so he still works nights but I work days). Unfortunately she does not get on with her mum's new husband (he's a jerk, frankly) so there are times that she has stayed with us for a day or so during her mum's time. She does know that she will always have a home with us and that if things get bad we're prepared to come and get her no matter what day or time. We are counting down the days until she's 16 and the custody arrangement becomes basically unenforceable (in Canada you can get your driver's license at 16 which means that she'll be able to have her own car).

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/10/2018 16:44

Imagine the devastating impact on children of their primary carer just fucking off and only popping back to do the Disney parent stuff. That kind of stuff damages them for life. yes exactly. These were my step children.

agnurse · 09/10/2018 16:46

I should add that in my area joint custody and shared parenting are the norm for most families. The law states that children have a right to have a relationship with both parents and that access is a right of the child, not a right of the parent. The law gives both mother and father equal standing. The only thing the mother gets default for is child tax benefit. If it's a shared parenting situation the default is that the mother gets the child tax benefit. (Otherwise it would go to whoever has primary parenting.)

ClaryFray · 09/10/2018 16:46

I wouldnt walk away from my kids cause im a good person. I choose to have them and I be dammed if I'm the part time parent just to get a one up on the other.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 09/10/2018 16:46

This reminded me of that bit in Adrian Mole where he overhears his parents arguing over who has to have custody of him and he writes “surely they meant who GETS to have custody” or similar 😆

PrimalLass · 09/10/2018 16:47

Jeez I'm sure when the Op posted this slightly bitter, tongue in cheek thread, that she really wanted a lecture like this.

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 16:49

PrimalLass how can you tell it is bitter and slightly tongue in cheek?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2018 16:50

OP so if DH dares to stop loving you, you will happily only see the kids EOW for the next 15 years. Because having had it made clear to them that you need to sit around and cry / shag /drink too much to care for them, you might find you never get shared custody.

Incidentally what happens if you are the one that chose to leave?

And this isn't sexist. I think ANY parent happy with seeing their kid 2 days in 14 is pretty crap tbh

PrimalLass · 09/10/2018 16:52

how can you tell it is bitter and slightly tongue in cheek?

It's how I read it, rather than assuming the Op is a horrible person like the rest of you did. Because I've joked about the same thing with my DP.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 09/10/2018 16:52

I have to say WHY ON EARTH wouod the OP be a horrible person if she was leaving her dcs to their father full time until she had recovered from the split (which could be what? A few months?) but somehow it’s normal or eve;really good if a father leaves their dcs to the mother and see them EOW??

Double standards all the way.

As for the PP who gave the example of the dad always finishing late, nit checking the homework and just going out to do his own things... well that was basically the description of a nit so good father that STILL couldn’t put his dcs before himself. So probably not the best wxMple of what a good father is really regardless of whether he has stayed married to divorced.

I have to say I can understanding the OP. As women we all do the caring, parenting, cutting our opportunities drastically but somehow we never ever get any recognition for it.
I am personally at the stage where I’m dreaming of my dcs going away at Uni so I can finally do whatever I want with my life (whilst H just carried on with his hobby etc.. with his life as it was ore dcs).
I am aware that this our patriarchic society that sort if impose that in us and makes mothers the Ines who always give for others.

But yes I can see why the OP wouod say ‘actually THIS TIME, I’m coming FIRST’

Btw OP If yu want to go away for twomweek son your own, do it.
Seriously, you dint need more reasons than been exhausted and needing a break. You are in stand by 24/7, even if your dcs are at school. Ad as any carer, you need a break.
(Talking from experience there too....)

grasspigeons · 09/10/2018 16:53

I think the thing to remember is if you are splitting up you no longer love and trust this person so you might feel less inclined for them to look after the children full time. But I can see the logic of having all the nice bits and none of the work.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/10/2018 16:53

When ex was leaving for ow he started talking about getting a flat nearby and popping in to 'help' a couple of mornings a week (we both work). I suggested that I move into the flat and he stay in the house with the kids. Never seen anyone's face drain of colour so fast. Surprise surprise he moved far away and is total Disney dad. And actually, I could live with that if there was one single ounce of appreciation or acknowledgement of what i do 12/14 days a fortnight but nope. Not a sausage. Just complaints that I dare to use 'his' money for a cleaner as I work a 40 hour week. Tit.