To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

[DieAntword]

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

This thread is so depressing. I feel so sorry for the children whose parents see them as such a burden that they would fight for a child- free life if they split up. Using the children as a bargaining tool to prevent your DH from leaving is even worse and pathetic as how could you force them to have custody?
I am sure that being a SAHM is hard but noone is forces women to do it. Get a fucking job and some independence rather than moaning about the patriarchical society which expects women to be the resident parent while at the same time helping to keep it that way by giving up your career as soon as you give birth.

Why would I want to blackmail him into being with me?

Possibly because OP has no independent means of supporting herself or her dcs.

This thread is also depressing beause so many posters are so fucking casually cruel.
It's so easy to tell other people what to do but everyone has their own unique situation.
I was made redundant and finding another job became impossible for various reasons in my personal life. Should i not moan? Should i keep my mouth shut? should i never mention that patriarchal society is fucking shit?
If you haven't felt overwhelmed, or that parenting is a burden, WELL, LUCKY YOU.

If you haven't felt overwhelmed, or that parenting is a burden, WELL, LUCKY YOU.

OP isn't overwhelmed though and neither are many other posters on this thread. They just seem to like the idea of a child free life and would fight with their DH over who didn't have to have the children. For that I feel sorry for the children, particularly as I know a couple of people in RL whose parents did this.

I am sure that being a SAHM is hard but noone is forces women to do it. Get a fucking job and some independence
You do realise it isn't always a choice right? And the even the element of choice - you or him being the SAHP - isn't always much of a real choice.

You do realise it isn't always a choice right? And the even the element of choice - you or him being the SAHP - isn't always much of a real choice.

If it isn't a choice e.g. if made redundant then I am not referring to you. However, most people don't have to give up their jobs when becoming parents. Generally, they have the option to go back to work and pay for childcare but choose not to.

And the even the element of choice - you or him being the SAHP - isn't always much of a real choice.

Or pay for childcare. Even if it leaves you worse off in the short term it often will be in the future often financially and in terms of career prospects.

Or pay for childcare. Even if it leaves you worse off in the short term it often will be worth it in the future financially and in terms of career prospects.

I used to think this. Until it actually happened. Then I realised two things.

Firstly that I couldn't do it without seriously upsetting the children. They were used to me being home with them and carting them across the country to dump on his doorstep would seriously destabilise them. They would miss school and their friends. ( He left me for a woman who lived 150 miles away). The children would have been distressed and unhappy and I couldn't do that to them.

Secondly when your world is blown apart by your partner's infidelity and abandonment you feel you want to cling to your children. They still love you and you still love them and this is the one constant in the shitstorm of a marriage breakdown. A sudden abandonment is like a bereavement and the last thing you want at that time is to lose your children too

Or pay for childcare

there is no way I can afford to pay for childcare with someone who is willing to do tube feeds on my o2 dep child. I couldn't in good conscience go straight from maternity leave to sick leave to accommodate another 6 months of hospitalisation, months more of attachment issues and medical appts.
I can't find wrap around care that provides the 121 like he gets in nursery and at home.
I can't find a job to fit in the two hours gap I get between drop off and pick up that allows all the time I need for holidays and hospital appts.
I can't find or afford childcare for the holidays that provides 121 care.

OK I "chose" this by having a pregnancy when I could afford to put a healthy child into childcare at 1 and return to work. I failed to plan for a medically complex child that statistically shouldn't even be here.

And I'm not alone.
Many many parents can't work because their child has comp needs.

And the pays that SAHP should just ARE aimed at all of us too else you'd show less ignorance and write if you've chosen to be a SAHP

Agree misillusioned. I couldn't do it to my kids, but also, despite having limited freedom, I like living with my DC, and all their hugs and jokes, and feeling loved and loving.

AFAIK ex didn't cheat on me, but he did quite soon get a girlfriend - I think he didn't like being alone, despite minimising contact.

there is no way I can afford to pay for childcare with someone who is willing to do tube feeds on my o2 dep child.

I said that if it isn't a choice then I am not referring to you fgs. It is a choice for most women though.

Although in your situation I would still have shared childcare with DH if at all possible.

Dungeon it's a rare women who has the choice.

This thread is so depressing because OP has frequently said she had none of these worries until she started coming on MN and hearing the ‘all men are bastards and he’ll leave you eventually crew’. Despite her having no genuine worries about him leaving and admitting he has always supported in what she wanted to do and helped her out of the dark place she was in when they met, the fuckers are STILL coming on here and going, ‘Well my husband left me so I’m sure yours will do the same, so if I was you I’d be a complete bitch to him now just to get your revenge in early and when he finally cracks you can have the pleasure of saying I told you so.’

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever come across such destructive advice as I’ve seen on this forum. Some people seem to have such miserable empty lives and just seem to want to make as many other peoples’ lives as miserable as possible too.

Although in your situation I would still have shared childcare with DH if at all possible
It's never that simple though. DS was in hospital a good hour from where I worked, same for DH. My mental health couldn't cope with leaving him for a whole day when I never knew which day they'd operate or decide they'd done all they could. DH could cope going to work each day (he still lived in site at hospital and commuted every day) and would have struggled being on ward 24/5 (he slept bedside two nights so I could lie in bed nearby pretending to sleep). DH couldn't go part time. I got a small lump of redundancy. We all make choices based sometimes on increasingly tightening circles.
For someone else it might simply be that childcare costs so much more than the job pays they can't cover the bills and work.

In Op's imaginary position I'd wants something like 40/60. Four overnights a fortnight plus two afterschool dinners on

I honestly don’t think I’ve ever come across such destructive advice as I’ve seen on this forum. Some people seem to have such miserable empty lives and just seem to want to make as many other peoples’ lives as miserable as possible too. absolutely this, and the rest of your excellent post @Ginger. There's a small, but very vocal minority of posters on this site who take great joy in breaking up other people's marriages.

Dungeon it's a rare women who has the choice.

Are you saying that it is rare for SAHM to have chosen not to work?! I don't think so. I knew plenty when my children were younger and I don't think a single one had no choice. The great majority of time they stayed at home because their DH's earned a reasonable income and they could afford to. Sometimes, it was because childcare cost more than they earned which is understandable but still shortsighted as expensive childcare is only required for a short time.
I'm not being critical of SAHM as everyone is entitled to make that choice but I think it a bit hypocritical to complain that society has such different expectations of men and women with regard to parenting when they are effectively maintaining the status quo by doing the majority of childcare when they are married.

Even where families have real choice though there's so much ingrained learnt behaviour. Until recently men couldn't have much time off work after a new baby unless it was holiday / unpaid and it'll take a good while for any real uptake to be normalised. Women are considered much more likely to ask for or be given reduced hours. There's still a stigma around SAHF or single fathers raising the kids. So what we consider free choice is far more complex.
If I asked all my straight female friends why they'd reduced their hours not their partner some would be about money but a lot of its about what we're raised to believe and how we copy our parents.

Surely knowing you're doing that but questioning the expectation to do that or how the system is rigged to encourage you to do that means we raise the next generation less convinced that it's the oy way to do it

Surely knowing you're doing that but questioning the expectation to do that or how the system is rigged to encourage you to do that means we raise the next generation less convinced that it's the oy way to do it

It don't think that questioning the expectation to do something while blindly following the expectation will do anything to convince the next generation that things should change. And complaining about the status quo while helping to maintain it is certainly hypocritical.

I'm not sure there is much point in this. Have a lovely day all!

I don't think I made myself very clear.

I guess what I mean is previous generations were much more likely to be raised with stereotypical roles. Ours Nans felt the impact of that and determined to raise sons who would do more around the house.
When my Mum's had us, Dad's had a couple of of weeks off but he did do a bit more around the house but the pressure was still on Mums
When I had DS, DH took as much time as he could, changed nappies, did house work etc. But the expectation and set up is still more geared towards Mum's being primary carers.
When DS has kids, perhaps it will be more mainstream for SAHD's, or shared parental leave. I'll raise him expecting much for equality between the sexes for him and therefore he's more likely to grow up thinking its acceptable to stay home with the kids etc.

Yes individuals do things differently but largely society is programmed with expectations and it takes time to change those. So sometimes we do something that we don't want our daughters to do whilst trying to change our children's expectations

So sometimes we do something that we don't want our daughters to do whilst trying to change our children's expectations

I'm not sure what generation you are but I don't think that your nan gave up her career and stayed at home just to follow societies expectations. There was no childcare and women couldn't even get a mortgage in those days. Things changed in the between the 60s (when I was a child) and the 80s due to childcare etc but I don't think that there has been much further improvement. I certainly can't see much difference and really don't think things will change as long as women give up their careers as soon as they have children even though they don't have to simply to follow societies expectations. Anyone who does that is propagating helping to keep the inequalities between men and women with regard to parenting. Telling your children to do things differently is not going to have the same impact as it did in the 60s because women then didn't have a choice (if they wanted children) whereas now they do.

You would just leave your kids and swan off? Because your husband broke your heart? Please let this be that this lighthearted because if not......

To be honest it sounds like you love your husband more than your kids! 😱