Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Original poster

To think if my husband ever left me I’d leave him with the kids

404 replies

DieAntword · 09/10/2018 14:51

I’ve told him this, if he ever leaves, he isn’t going to swan off into the sunset and have a whale of a time. He keeps the kids. I can’t cope with looking after them after being abandoned like that and I need the space to pull myself together emotionally.

I’m currently a SAHM and absolutely the primary caregiver and I don’t think he actually would ever leave, but he isn’t saddling me with the life of a single mum if he does. He can be the single mum and I can be the fun part time dad thanks.

I’ve paid my dues. If he wants to do with out me he’ll have to pay someone for childcare.

OP posts:

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/10/2018 16:04

@theOtherPamAyres

Good for you, you definitely made your point!

I don't think the OP is mad or unhappy, she's making the point that people sometimes do just swan off and play Disney Dad, or don't even bother with their DCs, while Mums seem "expected" to do most of the grunt work raising their children. We hear about this all the time on MN!

One of my friends has exactly this situation with her ex and it's infuriating. He won't do anything useful, just fun stuff when he feels like it (and he used to pull out of access weekends at the last minute when he got a "better offer" than seeing his own children She had to take him to court in the end).

Parenting is a joint commitment of both time and money, neither parent should be able to drop out because they feel like it. I'd also go for 50/50 if DH and I split up, we're both important to the kids.

StrangeAndUnpleasant · 09/10/2018 16:05

I totally get it, OP. So many men just up and leave with little to no warning and then they get to be part time Disney dads while mums get to do not only the bulk of the care but all the shit bits too whilst having no time for themselves and having to deal with their marriage ending unexpectedly. It's bullshit.

PookieDo · 09/10/2018 16:06

@DieAntword actually you didn’t it was another poster who said something like that

Would it be the best thing for you or the best thing for the D.C.?
I am currently dating a man who has residency of his D.C. and it can work just fine and for his children it is the best thing. But for the mother it’s the best thing for her.. not one and the same

Not everyone is resilient to cope with single parenting I get that. But I think reality would probably be filled with guilt and having to pay maintenance and provide a suitable weekend home etc... that’s not easy either!

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 16:07

AmICrazyorWhat2 - I get the logic of what you are saying and I have one of those arsehole ex-H who AT BEST is a Disney dad but in reality isn't really a dad at all.

However, by making an threat to fuck off yourself and do exactly the same - how is that better? One it is unenforceable and two it suggests that you would just give up on your DC to spite your other half. I think that makes you a fairly horrible person, but I appreciate that I'm coming at it from a biased perspective of just shy of 16 years as a single parent.

Believeitornot · 09/10/2018 16:07

While I can understand the sentiment, the children should and must come first in any divorce. They shouldn’t be used in order to punish a parent.

I’d happily take my children if DH decides he was off and wouldn’t commit because I want what’s best for them. I wouldn’t want them to feel palmed off.

overagain · 09/10/2018 16:08

Yep. YANBU. I have also told DH this. To be fair to him he has always been adamant on a minimum 50/50 split (his way). My MH couldn't cope, but it also couldn't cope with being a SAHM, which is why I'm not one.

He has equal PR so has equal right to have them, and equal sanctions should he refuse.

Conseulabananahammock · 09/10/2018 16:10

What a poetic story!! Reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet for the modern era
"Romeo romeo where for art thou Romeo, you forgot the kids!"
Practically writes itself

ScienceIsTruth · 09/10/2018 16:14

Seriously, though, I don't think it's fair that mums are expected by society to have the dc when a marriage/partnership breaks down.
Unfortunately though, I think most ppl would look down on a mum that didn't want to be the resident parent, and wonder what's wrong with them, which is really unfair.

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 16:14

What sanctions overagain?

blueshoes · 09/10/2018 16:16

OP, it does sound like you are tired and possibly burnt out to be imagining catastrophe scenarios and drastic solutions. It is an unfair situation many women find themselves in in the wake of being dumped by their husbands. It is possibly made worse by the fact that you perceive the power in your relationship is held by your dh rather than shared with you, hence the upending of the table if you were ever abandoned.

Perhaps this is a wake up call to rethink your set up with your dh.

If you had more power in the relationship, you would use that to look after the dc in an awful situation than to look after just yourself.

I am sure you love your dc every bit as much as your dh does.

DownAndUnder · 09/10/2018 16:16

Realistically you’d have to get a FT job, pay maintence and when not working see the kids. It’d be worse for the kids being separated from their main caregiver and having a total lifestyle and household income change.

overagain · 09/10/2018 16:17

If SS had to get involved. He has equal responsibility for things like child abandonment and they have a duty to chase him too. And paying for them. I could essentially not pick them up from school (not that I ever would) and he would be equally responsible for their on going welfare.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/10/2018 16:17

I think if you have to threaten/blackmail your husband into staying with you then its the beginning of the end and he should be preparing to walk out the door before you do.

ScienceIsTruth · 09/10/2018 16:19

Oh, and whomever leaves has to leave the family home too. We are, of course, (half) joking.

I don't think it's weird to discuss stuff like this though. We discussed lots of things before we committed to one another, and have always carried on doing so as our circumstances have changed.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 09/10/2018 16:20

My ex said many cruel things when we split. I'm not too sure what things he really meant, what he meant at the time but no longer thinks and what things he said just to hurt me.

I got a long diatribe about how he was too young to be saddled with the responsibility of a child, how I never gave him enough attention to make him feel desirable (I had been in hospital and was still recovering) he wanted to have fun and freedom to be out getting drunk every night, having fun with other people not just settling down with one boring partner, how he never had the money to spend on himself anymore and how him being happy, hardly seeing his daughter would make him a better father.

I can see how him being left as the main carer to our child would certainly have messed up his plans.

Ennirem · 09/10/2018 16:21

I cannot get my head around this at all. If my partner left me I would fight tooth and nail to have my daughter with me as much as possible. The idea of not seeing her for days at a time makes me feel ill.

Maybe being a SAHM doesn't suit you? Or you don't feel secure in that position?

roundaboutthetown · 09/10/2018 16:23

DieAntword - have you also discussed having your children put into care if your dh dies? Because I can imagine that being just as hard to cope with, emotionally.

ScienceIsTruth · 09/10/2018 16:23

It's a long standing joke in our family, and our children know we both love them immensely.

So, YANBU, OP.

Hadalifeonce · 09/10/2018 16:24

I have told DH and the children, that if daddy ran off with another woman...... she wants my man, she can take the children too, how'd you like them apples OW?

IfNotNowThenWhen1 · 09/10/2018 16:24

I know it's a traumatic story in a way but I'm full of admiration for OtherPam .
He didn't see that coming did he?
I get you OP. Men seem to take it for granted that if it all gets too hard they can just sail off unencumbered.
Maybe a reminder that they have responsibilities that they cant just walk out on is a good idea.
Also loving the
"Leave then"
"Maybe I will"
"Take the kids with you"
"Er.." 😂

roundtable · 09/10/2018 16:26

I took it as dark humour. On our most difficult days dh and I will make that joke to lighten the mood.

You do sound like you need a break op. Have you funds for a hotel stay overnight?

MargoLovebutter · 09/10/2018 16:26

Social services don't get involved with divorcing parents arguing about who should have the children overagain!!!!!!!!

Sorry, but to all posters deluding themselves that by making these threats they actually carry weight - THERE ARE NO SANCTIONS. I've been to court with my ex-H and you can't force a parent to parent!

AriadnePersephoneCloud · 09/10/2018 16:28

Haha I'm always telling my husband he gets the kids if we ever divorce. The fear alone is more than enough to keep us together 🤣honestly though while I am joking part of me thinks maybe I'm not...

formerbabe · 09/10/2018 16:28

I know a woman who shares 50/50 custody with her ex. She gets to have nights out, holidays and free weekends...I think it's fair. It's awful how men can bugger off and live a free and easy single life whilst occasionally doing the fun bits of parenting whilst the mum left is stuck doing the shitty bits.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 09/10/2018 16:28

@MargoLovebutter

I agree, it would make the OP a horrible person if she really did that!

But, I think she's just making a hypothetical point to her DH that IF he ever left, she would expect him to pull his weight with child-rearing, he shouldn't assume she'd let him leave her with all the responsibilities.

I haven't had a similar conversation about our DC with my DH, but I don't think it's totally wrong to set out expectations. I HAVE told my DH told him that if he cheats on me, don't expect tears, I'll be in full "woman scorned" mode and he'd better look out. He rather likes the idea that I guard him jealously.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17