To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

Bloody hell, how old is she? You’re only going three hours away!

Concentrate on you and your daughter right now and do what is right for the two of you.
Once you get settled, then worry about others.
I think it is unfair to put extra pressure on you right now.

It's sad. You sound so caring and rational but you have to do what's best for you and your DD.

Oh op what a tough situation.

Try not to take on her drama.

It'll settle eventually.

Don't feel guilty. Feel sad for her if you like, but not guilty. You're doing what's best for you and DD. Let the guilt go.

YANBU!

Think of yourself (and of course DD) everyone else thinks of themselves - including your MIL!

Yes she’s upset but she had her time being a mother and a grandmothers role is very different.

Do what’s right for you and she need to concentrate on giving her son a kick up the arse to be a better father , as like you said you will facilitate contact and won’t leave it to him, she’s very lucky in that respect as you could’ve just cut the whole side off due to DH behaviour!

Sending hugs and hope you get the support you need

Not your problem. It's up to him to facilitate their visits. Your job is to protect yourself and your child.

Her partner is a knob for telling you that. That’s not your guilt to bear. It’s her sons! He is the one who should be hearing that his mother is crying inconsolably. Direct any comments about her upset to your husband.

I can understand her being a bit upset , but surely she should be more upset that her son has screwed up his marriage or isn't she bothered about that ?

Do what's right for you , don't get caught up in her drama.

You need to look after your emotional well-being so you can look after your child as well. It’s a no-brainer. Even without your DH’s behaviour, MIL sounds exhausting at the best of times. There is no way you have the energy or the emotional space to be dealing with her drama llama crap right now. Her issues and her life’s meaning are neither your responsibility nor your problem to deal with. Your STBXH will be the one having to arrange contact (when and if he sorts his shit out with drugs, etc) and maybe she will be included as part of the supervision order. I don’t know. I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to be thinking through appropriate boundaries yet, but don’t be bullied or emotionally manipulated into accepting anything right now. Get yourself situated where you feel safe and supported first. With your Mum. (And a bloody good solicitor!!!)

You must concentrate on your daughter and you. Make sure she knows she's welcome and that there will always be a place for her in your daughter's life. Part of her upset might well be down to the fact that she realises her son is a wastrel.

Thank you for the supportive comments. Yes DH is bloody hopeless I feel like this is another of his messes I’m clearing up. He’s barely bothering to talk to her about what’s going on so that’s not helping.

Oh FS OP what a dick. Not MIL but her son he has ruined everything. I am sure she is devastated you are leaving. None of it is your fault, She should be supporting you but she probably is not strong, she shouldn't be piling on more stress.

You are right to move home to your DM just except she is sad, but do not feel guilty. You have to do what is best for you and DD. She will get over it, it is not your problem. I am sorry your life has been turned upside down. I hope you get lots of tlc and support from your family.

This is actually very helpful to hear everybody thank you. I’m such a people pleaser I hate upsetting anyone. You are right though the guilt should lie with DH he made this happen. I think I feel a little guilty also because I am looking forward to not living so close to her as she’s so needy.

Sounds like you’re going to be well shot of both of them. I’m sorry you’re going through it though.

Sorry to hear about your marriage OP. You must be so upset! Your MIL being sad is unfortunate, however, you need to focus on your feelings and your child's at the moment. You are going through a traumatic experience already. Don't take on anymore stress. Going to your mum is the right thing to do. If your MIL was a supportive person she would be angry at her son and support you and her grandchild through this difficult time. Not make it about her instead. Walk away, get help for your wee family. Everyone else can sort themselves out.

Of course you should look after yourself. Your DH has behaved terribly and its natural for you to want to be with your family. I can't imagine gking through all that with a toddler. However, I think your MIL also does have a right to feel devastated that the granddaughter she loves is moving away. She is also allowed to feel devastated that your marriage may possibly end and to worry how that will fair for the future, especially if she knows your DH is feckless. Will he keep up access, will end acrimoniously, what if you meet someone else?

Whether or not she was over invested she loves your daughter and it was her partner that told you she had been crying for three days not her. You don't have to feel guilty, you don't have to be responsible for her, but cut her some slack. She didn't want to end this way either.

Good luck OP

Of course you should look after yourself. Your DH has behaved terribly and its natural for you to want to be with your family. I can't imagine gking through all that with a toddler. However, I think your MIL also does have a right to feel devastated that the granddaughter she loves is moving away. She is also allowed to feel devastated that your marriage may possibly end and to worry how that will fair for the future, especially if she knows your DH is feckless. Will he keep up access, will end acrimoniously, what if you meet someone else?

Whether or not she was over invested she loves your daughter and it was her partner that told you she had been crying for three days not her. You don't have to feel guilty, you don't have to be responsible for her, but cut her some slack. She didn't want to end this way either.

Good luck OP

^this^ Agree entirely KC225

In all fairness it is probably a good thing that you’re putting distance between you and mil. She sounds very overbearing and you don’t have the strength to put up boundaries at the best of times. If your mil is feeling like this, she needs to look after her mental health. If someone mentions anything again perhaps you could suggest she make an appointment with the doctor and finds a therapist.

I think you're doing the right thing, you need your family right now.

I don't think your mil is BU, your daughter is very lucky to have someone love her so much. I can understand her sorrow.

You've made up your mind, the same decision I would make, try and sympathise with her, not fall out with her, you'll have her in your life a lot less very soon.

Wishing you all the best op 💐

MIL needs to get her own life rather than live vicariously through others. You are only moving 3 hours away, it's not like she can't see her grandchild ever.

YANBU. To make a child her reason for living is profoundly selfish on MIL's part not to mention unhealthy.

If she's crying inconsolably she needs counselling.

Oh OP what a shitbag your DH is. I hope you're ok. You'll find a way to make it work with MIL. We currently live abroad so both sets of grandparents only see DD every few months. We manage to make them all feel involved by sharing regular updates and photos and that type of thing. A few hours away is not the end of the world for MIL and like others have said the blame lies with DH not you.

To be fair to her some of her upset probably comes from shame and anger at her own son's behaviour. This is all his doing, but could you imagine in the future if your daughter behaved similarly to him and it meant you'd only see your grandchildren once in a blue moon? I know I'd be devastated and possibly even question what I had done as a parent to raise such an awful human being. Her partner is at fault here too, she's every right to be upset in the circumstances and she hasn't brought any of this to you, get partner has and shouldn't have.

Tough shit for her. She should have raised him better.
Best of luck OP