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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want mother in law to be less devastated?

293 replies

greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 01:10

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

OP posts:
WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 07/10/2018 10:39

OP you have no need to feel guilty and you seem like a very caring and empathetic person to be taking your MILs feelings into consideration at a time when you are ending your marriage and uprooting your household.

She has every reason to feel devastated - for herself, for her son and for you and DD. Her son has almightily fucked up but she will still feel sad for him, he's her child. She has a right to feel sad that the closeness (of distance) that she'd hoped to have with her grandchild now won't be possible. But it is fundamentally not your job to fix it or to make it right for her.

I think all that you can do is assure and reassure her that she can still be a part of her grandchild's life whilst you go ahead and build the life that you want and need for your daughter. Don't over promise and under-deliver on visits, that would be more hurtful. Don't commit to things you may find difficult practically or emotionally but make sure that you keep in touch. And good luck OP.

Gottagetmoving · 07/10/2018 10:39

You have to do what you have to do.
My daughter moved to London from the north where we live when my grandson, who we looked after a lot, was 5. I was devastated. People shouldn't underestimate how much a grandparent loves a grandchild they have been close to and seen regularly.
We had to get used to it though and your mil will eventually but I hope you maintain her contact as much as possible.
My grandson came to stay a couple of times a year and I stated at my daughters a couple of times too. We also took my grandson on holiday with us.
Don't feel guilty about it. You have to do what's best for you.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 07/10/2018 10:39

You must move and be near the love and support of your own family. Your DH sounds like a class one shit. His mother needs to pull herself together and get on with living her own life. Her granddaughter will be a “part” of that. A part.

Original poster
greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 10:41

STBXH works in London and has found a flat near his work. It’s a similar commute to where I’m moving to as it is to where we live at the moment (but in the opposite direction). He works at home on a Wednesday so he’s planning to come and stay nearby on Tuesday nights see her then and in the evening on Wednesdays then commute back on Thursday morning. Also will do some weekends when they fit round his hobby (don’t get me started on that!) I’m keeping plans pretty fluid with him as I prefer it that way if there are rigid dates he wouldn’t manage it and I would be constantly irritated by that.

Trouble with trying to organise for his mum to see DD at the same time as him is she likes a PLAN and he is incapable of making plans. She messages him he doesn’t answer and then she messages me and I get in the middle and it’s much more stressful / harder work than just dealing with them separately.

OP posts:
Original poster
greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 10:43

Thank you for the replies btw Flowers

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/10/2018 10:43

Get yourself settled OP and then if you can email her some dates that work for you. I'm sure she will be more than happy to accommodate you so she can see her GD.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 07/10/2018 10:45

Honestly don’t get in the middle or message her separately. Just concentrate on you for a few months. Everyone else can wait or fit in with you. Your child needs your full energy and breaking up takes a toll.

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/10/2018 10:52

Does your MIL have any mental health issues, OP? Just the thing about the PLAN reminds me of someone else who is controlling feels more comfortable with a plan (regardless of what it does to anyone else).

But your time of being in the middle is at an end. If your STBEx doesn't respond to her, that's not your problem. I don't think she is unreasonable to be devasted, but that's not for you to sort out.

woolduvet · 07/10/2018 10:52

Agree with the idea of not making any rigid plans. Don't give her annual plans either.
And get in the habit of saying those dates don't work for us so that she doesn't think that she can just visit anytime. You're allowed to have a life and for those plans to be a priority.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/10/2018 10:53

Do NOT commit to regular visits. You actually owe her nothing and it is NOT your responsibility to facilitate these any more.

Also, do NOT get in the middle of dealing with her and her son - that is now THEIR problem to deal with, and NOT YOURS.

You will find that things will change and it will be very freeing - but only if you actually accept that it is OK for you to stay out of this, and put it back onto your stbexH to deal with.

You may also find it quite hard having him come to stay at yours in the week, especially if he's seeing someone else - depending on how you feel about him, of course. So don't allow that to continue forever either.

But most of all - step back from your MIL. She is her son's responsibility now. If he can't make plans with her, then that's between them, not you.

YouTheCat · 07/10/2018 10:57

I think she needs to be making the effort to facilitate her seeing her dgd.

As others have said, take a step back. You're already committed to time at the end of the month and a visit over Christmas. If she is that devastated then maybe she can fill the gaps herself. Don't let all this fall on you.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2018 11:01

You your DD's father is planning on seeing her 1 evening a week and weekends when and if its convenient to him?

I hate to say it but that doesn't not sound like a DF who is going to be around much in a few years time. The relationship with the DGM might well be more enduring.

He needs to get his act together and send you dates of weekends which could work. If you can offer some of those to DGM then she can plan around those. If he pulls out well that is between them - don't get in the middle of it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/10/2018 11:03

Of course the Op is going to have to facilitate her MIL where her DD is concerned? How else do you propose the OP can make arrangements with her?

There seems to be a lot of projecting going on here.

BrokenWing · 07/10/2018 11:04

start as you mean to go on and don't make any promises you'll later resent keeping.

It is up to your dh to maintain your mil's relationship with her dgd in his time.

thisneverendingsummer · 07/10/2018 11:08

Agree with everyone else here. This woman is a PITA, and she has no right to demand that you stay near her so she can have full dibs on your child. Hmm

As a few posters have said, she seems more concerned about her own selfish needs, than she does about her son screwing you over and treating you like shit.

What is with some people? I know a few people (usually woman) like this, who are obsessive over their children (even when they are adults!) and also their grandchildren. Even now, I know a woman who has a daughter who had a baby last June, and she is obsessed with the baby grandaughter. It's great to love them and care about them, but they are not yours.

She even demanded Christmas and new year off last year 'to be with her grandaughter!' (when the place she works is open 365 days a year and everyone has to work SOME of Christmas or new year.) When she was told 'no' she rang in sick on 18th December, and presented a sick note, keeping her off til the 5th of January. Must have told the doctor a right cock and bull tale!

And even now, she refuses to work certain days 'because I have to care for my grandaughter.' FFS, her daughter (the baby's mum,) is a stay at home mum, so there is no need for her to help every bloody week!

Some people really need to get a life, and not cling on to their adult children (and subsequently their grandchildren) like bloody limpets! Do these people not have a life of their own (outside their children?) Confused

@greatandpowerfulozma

As has been said, the woman is allowed to be a bit disappointed and pissed off, but you're hardly going to the other side of the world, are you?! Try and meet her for a coffee or something, and reassure her that she can still see your child.

Goldmandra · 07/10/2018 11:09

We’ve got a few visits in the diary. DD has a medical appointment at Halloween so mil will see her then. I’ve found an air bnb for her near my parents so she can come and see us up there and get to know the area etc she’s booked there in s couple of weeks time. I’ve said I’ll come for Xmas.

You've done lots already to make sure your DD and her DGM maintain their relationship. Stop worrying.

Just do what you can manage and, if it's not enough, suggest that anything extra is organised with your ex. Don't step in and take over if he doesn't because would be enabling and encouraging his behaviour.

Don't make any further commitments for now other than that you will make sure to stay in touch lots.

FrayedHem · 07/10/2018 11:10

MIL will need to make sure the OP would be ok with any dates she wants to come up so surely it's easier for the OP to suggest them.

I have a great relationship with my MIL, but if I split with DH I can imagine it would still take some time to get comfortable making such arrangements.

YouTheCat · 07/10/2018 11:10

I'm not projecting anything. I just don't see why the OP, whose husband has behaved dreadfully, should be making all the arrangements. I think OP has enough to be dealing with.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2018 11:10

It is up to your dh to maintain your mil's relationship with her dgd in his time.

So the DD loses not just a feckless dad but her DGM if he can't be arsed? This isn't just about the DGM's relationships with the child, the child should not have to lose a positive relationship with her DGM because he is an arse.

Is that fair on the OP? No. But like a lot of women in her situation she is trying to minimise the impact/loss to DD.

youarenotkiddingme · 07/10/2018 11:11

You are doing what's best for your Dd and you. Your MIL will come around and as DD gets older I'm sure she can spend a few nights there.

I expect part of the issue is you having to move because her sons actions. She probably feels upset about that too but is projecting it onto the move.

Thanks
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/10/2018 11:19

I agree that the OP is doing enough to make arrangements and that MIL needs to do her bit too, give her a chance. I'm sure she will.

Also it's DDs interest that she maintains a relationship with her GM given how much she's been in her life so far.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2018 11:25

“This woman is a PITA, and she has no right to demand that you stay near her so she can have full dibs on your child”

If she was doing that she would be completely in the wrong. She isn’t. But why let the facts get in the way of a good story.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/10/2018 11:28

What is with some people? I know a few people (usually woman) like this, who are obsessive over their children (even when they are adults!) and also their grandchildren. Even now, I know a woman who has a daughter who had a baby last June, and she is obsessed with the baby grandaughter. It's great to love them and care about them, but they are not yours.

Like I said, projection!

Believeitornot · 07/10/2018 11:31

As a few posters have said, she seems more concerned about her own selfish needs, than she does about her son screwing you over and treating you like shit

How did you get to that?

The MIL hasn’t said anything to the OP. This comes from the MIL’s partner saying she was really upset..... the MIL hasn’t made any demands unless we get a massive drip feed.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 07/10/2018 11:35

@greatduck She doesn’t have to facilitate anything with her MIL. It’s really her Exes job. I imagine he’ll be taking her there for the odd weekend.

The axis of how contact happens around DD is important. The axis should not be around MILs upset and drama about travelling. The axis should not be around flaky Ex and when he can make visits. The axis should be around a strong, healthy single parent unit, and what works for the child and mother in that unit.

No one else.