To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

*your MIL raised the asshole you're leaving for cheating, lying, drug and alcohol abuse.

Perhaps her over bearingness and over investment in her child contributed to this. Perhaps this behaviour would cause problems down the line for your child, her grandchild*

Jesus Christ WHEN are we going to stop excusing the poor behaviour of men by laying it at another woman’s door.

So it's MILs fault all of this BewareofDragons?

If this information came from your STBEX is it possible he has overstated her emotions as a way of making you stay around the area?

"a little empathy for a woman who feels that she might lose touch with her grandchild isn't too much to ask. "

It doesn't have to be up to Op to make sure MIL sees her GD though does it?

I wonder how much grief Op's ex is getting from anyone bout MIL wanting to see her GD?

I wonder how much grief Op's ex is getting from anyone bout MIL wanting to see her GD?

The same amount that the OP is getting. None.

And how would going through the father work, when it's the OP that has DD full time? You do you realise that some MILs and DILs can actually communicate and sort shit out without having to go through the menz?!

It doesn't have to be up to Op to make sure MIL sees her GD though does it?

It doesn’t take much to reassure a GP that there won’t be any barriers to them seeing the GD though.

I suspect at the heart of it, this is what is behind MIL’s distress - that the poor behaviour of her son will mean she loses a relationship with GD.

I haven't read the whole thread but I feel very sorry for your MIL. It sounds like she has been OTT but of course she is devastated that your relationship is breaking up as she knows full well that that is going to have an impact on her relationship with her grandchild. Of course you shouldn't let that stop you moving away and getting on with your life, but be kind to the poor woman.

It doesn't have to be up to Op to make sure MIL sees her GD though does it?

I already said that it wasn't up to op to do that. That doesn't mean she needs to be unkind though does it? All these posts slating mil when, in real life, most paternal grandparents would be very upset and even devastated if they were in the same situation.

And remember it wasn't the mil who told op she had been crying for 3 days.

She's grieving. And that's OK.

The more people that love your DD the better. Stay in touch, use Skype or Facetime and let her know that she will always be part of her life.

If my DD moved my grandchildren away from me (they live less than a mile away) I'd support her wholeheartedly but my heart would smash into a million pieces. Neither of you have asked for this situation .

I think the MIL sounds a bit over the top with the crying but some people are like that and it's not their fault. I understand why she is devastated. Lots and lots of separated DIL cut off their child's contact with their paternal grandparents. It's really common! I don't think it's at all surprising she is so sad. She will be sad about the whole situation because it is sad!!

It is what it is though and you need to put yourself first. If you can help your MIL maintain a close relationship it's your daughter then that can only be a positive thing for everyone.

I think 3 hours away is very very different to 15 minutes but it should be ok. Finding a air B and B was a good idea.

Good luck with everything and I hope you manage to find a way to let your MIL keep in contact with your daughter that works for you.

"It doesn't have to be up to Op to make sure MIL sees her GD though does it?"

No. But we know her ex partner is a useless arse or worse. Nice grandparents are a good thing for children to have. Googling an Air B&B is not exactly trekking through 500 miles of trackless waste, is it?

I dont have an issue with her been sad, crying, hurting, grieving. I think that totally understandable. My own mum wouod be just as devastated and she is nowhereear as need your mil.

I do have a major issue with the idea that you shouod commit to go and see every couple of months.
Why? Why shouod it be you doing all the effort (just like you fiund and AirB&B for her near you to etc) and she doesn’t?
I appreciate this came from her own DH so it might be his request rather than hers.
But you don’t have to commit to that. She shouod be on the back of own son, asking him when he is going to come with his dd.
She shouod be organising things somshe is planning to come and see your dd, asking if this is ok with you. Or even better planning to go and see her son when he has his dd with him.

Please don’t bend over for her. You have enough in your plate atm wo adding ‘looking after MIL’ on the top of it.

Or should I promise those regular trips to make her feel better?

You are not in a position to make any commitments just now so don't.

Its not her fault that your ex is an arse, you are right to reassure her that you want her to maintain that relationship but it will take a while to work out which way is up. She should be able to understand that.

Is there a reason why she can't travel to you for visits rather than the assumption being you travel with a baby? If you are returning to work in the near future it may be even more difficult.

If you could even alternate it reduces the traveling/work impact for both of you.

Say that you are looking forward to seeing her in your new place but with all that's happened you want a break from the old place for a while and that when she visits you can both sit down without interference from anyone else and work out some ideas for the future.

Googling an Air B&B is not exactly trekking through 500 miles of trackless waste, is it?
No but it’s taking responsibility for something that is not her responsibility.
Helping someone is knee thing. Having that person fully reliant on you to make all the effort (such as driving 3 hours each way every couple of months, organising for her to come over etc...) isn’t ok.
The MIL is well enough to be able to organise that herself.
Supporting her and facilitating her seeing the dd, eg by ensuring you are around, by going to see when in the same area than she lives etc.., is ok (and normal)

No, presumably he had 2 parents. But OP has already clocked her over-invested, entirely focused, high levels of spoiling behaviour being focused on her own child. This isn't likely new behaviour. And it will contribute to someone feeling entitled to much and responsible for little over the long term ... like her DH.

It is something to keep in mind. Yes, he is responsible for his own behaviour and choices, but there's a possibility his upbringing set him upon this path ... that yes, he's chosen to stay on.

Well she's allowed to feel devastated - it is a huge loss to witness the shattering of a family (by her son, too, she must feel awful about it) and clearly she adores her grandchild.

But there's no need for you to be burdened with her sadness. She needs to hold it together around you and whoever is passing on stories about her devastation needs to shut up. Not helpful.

Good luck with the move and sorry for what you're going through.

Yes, he is responsible for his own behaviour and choices, but there's a possibility his upbringing set him upon this path

If his father isn't around maybe his behaviour and infidelity was learned from that side.

People who scream / cry the loudest shouldn’t automatically get our attention. So don’t give her yours. I wouldn’t even be over facilitating the contact, honestly you could do without the constant overbearing drama. You need to focus on you and your child. Full stop. Everyone else can work around you. That child needs a stress free, non drug taking, non chaotic, non dramatic strong main parent - you. And you have been despite terrible hurt and stress. Heal yourself, protect your space to be a good parent, and don’t tie yourself in knots for others who are basically all about themselves.

Your family have lived 3 hours away and have not been crying for weeks!

People who scream / cry the loudest shouldn’t automatically get our attention. So don’t give her yours. I wouldn’t even be over facilitating the contact, honestly you could do without the constant overbearing drama

Why would you be so mean to your own child? And If MILS partner hadn't told the Op she'd been crying for three days I doubt she would have known.

No, she needs to be putting effort in.

She is bloody lucky that you are prepared for contact on “your” time and managing this without your stbexh’s involvement.

You can’t be the one doing all the running here. What happens if you meet someone else and add to your family? Are you going to have to stick with the same arrangement just to keep her happy?

Please, don’t promise anything and don’t make any more arrangements. If it’s a 3 hour drive they could potentially just get to you and back in a day. But whatever they do it’s up to them to arrange

I think it's understandable that she's upset and understandable that her DP was concerned about her. It was insensitive of him to put it on you but I think you just have to rise above that.

I think it's time to give yourself a break. I am sorry you've had such a tough time. I think I would do more on the suggestion of spending time with the in-laws until you sorted out your arrangements with your ex.

Keep the relationship warm. in the future you might be grateful of the extra support network seeing as your ex doesn't sound very supportive at all. I think it's fine to offer for them to come and see you but not for extended periods of time. Once before Christmas would be reasonable and again sometime just after Christmas but don't go to them.

I'd adopt an understanding tone with them along the lines of appreciating that they're very upset and I hope that they could appreciate how devastated you are in your turn. Maybe saying something like "I know you didn't mean to make it all about you giving my family breakdown". "I'm sure you will understand that I need some time and space to sort myself out and that we will eventually work out ways in which you can continue to see DGD". "Please don't pressure me on this if you value our relationship".

I also want to know where your ex is in sorting all of this out this is really his concern and not so much yours. But you can't wash your hands of it entirely if you want to negotiate an arrangement that suits you.

I'd have thought that the grandmother would be putting pressure on her son eventually and that will have a knock on impact on to you anyway.

Sorry that should read:I think I would hold off committing to spending time with the in-laws until you sorted out your arrangements with your ex.

I wouldn’t make any definite plans right now.

You don’t know what your routine will be like when you’ve moved.

Also I would not set a precedent of spending significant dates with your MIL. Presumably you’ll be wanting to set up your own routines and traditions for Christmas and birthdays etc, you can invite her if you like but I would not do any of the legwork here.

You’ll have a new job, possibly new partner and commitments to your own family. Also your dd will also be joining nursery/school eventually and life gets very crazy.

See how you do settling in to your new home and how the divorce goes.

I would not set a contact precedent before court hearings have ended. Imagine if you’re ordered to continue making six hour round trips twice a month and every Christmas and birthday to your mil because that’s the routine you’ve set up to currently appease your mil?!

Also stop doing any legwork or planning for your mil, if she’s as interested in visiting your dd she will work out for herself the best place to come and stay.

You need to sort o it where you’re going to stay, how you & tour H are going to work out contact and new job new life etc. You can’t plan and sort out everyone’s lives.

MIL's partner shouldn't have put this on you. It sounds like MIL is very aware how flaky and useless her son is and she's upset at the prospect of losing contact with her granddaughter. I think as PP have suggested, telling MIL directly you won't be relying on her son to make arrangements to see your DD would be a good move, but you can't make rigid commitments at this point in time.

I think it's good to put a few things in the diary so she knows that you are not disappearing completely, but I would echo what the PP have said (especially about Christmas, in a few years DD will not want to be parted from the new toys!) about not setting anything in stone just yet. It's a difficult time for you and you don't know how you will feel after you've moved.

Would also agree that MIL needs to be making some effort to visit as well. Tbh, I live about three hours away from my DD's remaining grandparent and since they are unable to travel for health reasons now we do see a lot less of them Once school kicks in, it's harder to get away.