To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

Good grief, the woman is making it ALL about herself and not giving a flying shit that her son has made your own life fall apart!
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You're doing enough for her - you possibly are doing too much and should maybe stop offering things that you may, in future, be unable or unwilling to hold to.

I wouldn't contact her as much as you have been doing - or if it's all coming from her, then be more unavailable. You need to do what is best for YOU and YOUR daughter now, not her. She is not your responsibility, and her partner shouldn't be trying to make it yours.

I don't know. It is definitely not your problem OP but I don't like such strong criticism of the MIL on the part of other posters.

I moved away from my very supportive MIL when dd was four. I wasn't told whether she cried or not. We moved overseas but kept in touch and I sent my dd to visit as often as I could. She and FIL were a tower of strength and invaluable when dd became a complicated teenager.

So I don't see any reason based on the information given here to cut relations with her.

I think I'd have to send MIL a message, something like...

"Dear MIL,

I understand this recent news about my move has upset you and you are worried about being further away from DGD. However, after an extremely stressful year and all the recent drama I really need to focus on DD and myself right now. We love you and will stay in touch and of course you are welcome to visit. For now though, I cannot support you emotionally through this as you can understand I'm sure how much I am dealing with and I need to save my energy for DGD. Please give us some space while I try and process this.

Thank you for your understanding,
Much love,
Ozma."

Then if she or partner contacts you and wails or guilt-trips you repeat the "I need to be strong for DGD and need some space to sort this out. Looking forward to seeing you next Wednesday" (or whatever)

If they continue after that cut down to "I need some space right now." and repeat verbatim as necessary despite any caterwauling.

Feel very sorry for your MIL, but agree with others that you need to put you and DD first.

I feel for you, you did nothing wrong and are forced to move due to her son's behaviour. How does she feel about what her son has done? Has she taken his side? What has she said about it all?

Your soon to be ex sounds a lot like his mother OP.

The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree there has it?

Yeah I feel sorry for MIL 3 hours is a hell of a long way. at 'she should have raised him better', male shitty behaviour = fault of a woman.

The fault lies with your H though simple as that - you have to do what is right for you to ensure you get the support you need.

Of course you’re doing the right thing in moving, and your mil’s partner was a dick for telling you about the crying.

But if I simultaneously discovered that my son was a feckless bastard and my adored grandchild was moving away so I would see very little of her, I would be pretty devastated too. Try not to feel guilty- you have no reason to-but also try to be kind to her.

please don't feel guilty about having to move away from her.
This is not all about her. It is her son who has behaved badly, and she SHOULD be going - I am so sorry, Ozma, is there anything I can do to help?

I like trucculent's letter, but I would want to include a line like:
unfortunately we have to move due to dh terrible behaviour, I am sure you must agree that we can't stay here after what he has done.
But maybe that is just me.

Poor woman is entitled to be devastated you've done and said what you need leave her alone

I can understand she is disappointed but you need to put you and your dc first. However, I think you may have dodged a bullet or I can see the future thread ‘ my mil think she’s the dc mum and wants to have dc 24/7...’.

She can still be involved. FaceTiming is great for keeping in touch as then you see them, rather than just hearing them.

I think I would reply, "dear MIL, I will never stop you having a loving realtionship with your DGD. However, your DS, my STBEX, has behaved so badly, my only option is to leave to move nearer to my family.

Perhaps you need to talk to your DS about why he has driven his family away, by his behaviours outside our (and your DGD) family. You are always welcome to visit, whenever you want. Let DH know, and he can arrange for DGD to see you when he has access.

I think granny is allowed to be devastated. Someone she adores and sees often will move away. It's hard to pop round somewhere that involves a 6 hour round trip.

Not your fault OP. But not her fault either.

We don’t know that the MIL isn’t also upset because of her son’s behaviour.... I bet she is.

She hasn’t shared this with the OP - her partner has. So everyone is leaping to bash the MIL.

MIL is entitled to be upset. She isn’t asking the OP to reconsider etc.

You can’t control other people’s reactions to things! She’s upset. OP is still moving. End of story.

Thanks everyone. You’re right she hasn’t come to me being upset and her partner only told me out of concern for her but it’s made me feel terrible. He said what would make her feel better is if me and DD were committed to coming to stay with her every couple of months. A few people have said I clearly have issues with boundaries and they’re right. There’s something in me that’s reluctant to agree to anything this rigid right now. I’ve got no issue with coming to stay occasionally I’ve already said we’d come at Christmas (not the actual day but afterwards). Is that unreasonable of me to hold back? Or should I promise those regular trips to make her feel better? Like I say she can come and see dd in our new home. I don’t want to be constantly ferrying dd down the motorway (like I say we both know DH won’t bother).

I know I’m lucky she loves her so much. DD is lucky to have such a loving grandparent. I’m not trying to cut her out of DD’s life or fall out with her but I’ve also need to move on.

God sorry that was really long

I’m sorry to hear about your (Ex)H, one day when he wakes up/grows up he’ll realise what he’s thrown away. Idiot. Don’t take him back though because realising and changing are two different things.

You’re doing the right thing moving to be near your friends and family.

Your (Ex)Mil sounds like an overbearing nightmare tbh. I think moving away will be good for you and DD because the older DD gets the more demanding she would have been over DD’s time. It’s LOVELY having involved grandparents, it’s NOT lovely having over bearing grandparents who see it as ‘round two’ of parenting.

Please don’t expect H to change, get on with building your NEW life with DD. Don’t try to insist he sees DD or takes her to visit ExMIL, it’ll only add stress to your life and you won’t actually make him be a better Dad than he can be without you pushing. You have to detach from being his wife and her DIL. I know it’s hard 💐

Just speak to her. You can commmit to those visits - hardly onerous. She just needs reassurance and the distance helps with boundaries.

I wouldn't make promises like that - the issue here is your stbexh. It is his responsibility and any guilt needs to be transferred to him, although it's hard because if his mum is lovely and loves dd you also want dd to have that love and support despite her dad being completely shit.

I agree with talking to her actually it seems like a sensible and obvious way forward

Do not agree to anything structured and regular. It will become a millstone about your neck.

Her issues aren’t your problem. It’s not even your job to facilitate any contact at all, you could leave it all to your husband without any guilt whatsoever.

Put yourself and your daughter first, everyone else is a grown up and can sort their own heads out.

YANBU. I am really sorry you are going through this. Firstly, you sound like a strong, courageous woman with her head screwed on.

MiL issues are not your problem. For a start they have been caused by her DS and she should be taking this up with him. I agree that it sounds like she was overinvested in a granddaughter 'giving her meaning'. You have set out your commitment to her which is really more than you needed to do. Focus on you.

You can't look after anyone else unless you look after yourself.
I feel sorry for everyone involved (although your family will get to see more of you and DD).

He said what would make her feel better is if me and DD were committed to coming to stay with her every couple of months

Fucking hell. It’s REALLY not difficult to see why your ExH is such a selfish bellend.

Do not agree to anything like that.

They are making it all about HER, it isn’t, it’s about YOU and DD.

Tell him that you don’t want to hear anymore about it and that they’ll have to arrange seeing DD when ExH has her.

You’re being WAY too much of a ‘people pleaser’ here. Your ExMIL is your ExH’s problem, not yours.

Her over bearing ways are NOT good for DD. It’s one thing to be loved, it’s another to be smothered by an over bearing person.

I would commit to a couple of visits over a few months - simple because it’s in then and you can stick to those. The uncertainty of not knowing would stress me out.

OP has already said mil can visit and she will facilitate. She can do this st first then hand over to ex H to negotiate