To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

I do feel sorry for your MIL. None of this is her fault any more than yours and if her son is as useless as he sounds, she's probably right to worry you'll want to cut them out. Why don't you suggest she looks into some child friendly places somewhere between the two of you, that way you are only committing to a few days out. It might help her to picture nice days out at national trust places, parks, farm cafes etc. Establish the "i'll meet you half way" early on so the responsibility doesn't become all yours

Sounds like the move will do you and dd the world of good!

I’m trying mediation in the first instance trying to avoid things getting nasty with solicitors etc.

Are you also getting independent legal advice for yourself? Don't take this the wrong way but if your DH is confident and you are a pleaser you may need to take care that you don't agree to things in mediation which you later regret. Your DH will know you want to keep things amicable. I have seen friends do this despite their best intentions and bitterly regret it.

Seeing a solicitor for an objective view on what you should be seeking as outcomes will give you a frame of reference. This may give you more confidence in saying what you want to achieve in mediation and to check back each time to see if you have drifted. in this situation a solicitor isn't making things nasty, they are helping you keep it objective.

Nearly 30 years ago my DH was the little child in this same scenario. He has seen his useless DF a handful of times since. His DM was devestated by the break-up. DF cheated. DFs parents were fab to his DM. Really supportive (financially too) which when his DM is having a cynical day she will say was all deliberate on their part so that they didn’t lose contact with DGS. Even if it was, then so what. They’re not perfect. Quite full-on actually sometimes. But my DH is now an adult who absolutely adores his DGPs and they are in their 90s.

All credit to my MIL and the grand-parents for getting together and rising above the terrible situation to ensure that the poor little child who’d just lost their dad and didn’t understand why didn’t also have to lose DGPs who loved him.

It isn’t fair to the DGPs in these situations to say that they only get access through the son. My DHs dad didn’t bother to see him for 12 years. He saw his DGPs every few weeks in that time.

Why should the dad get to ruin more relationships than just the marriage? Take him out of the equation. Let the proper grown-ups (you and your MIL) sort it out.

Yes, everyone thinks about their own needs and wants but this doesn’t make them a bad person. Your MIL just wants the relationship to continue. I think you are fantastic for wanting this too. It will probably be easier for you to keep a good relationship with her when you haven’t got the proximity.

Best of luck x

It's not your problem. It is hers. You have every right to move where you wish.

Our eldest Grandchild lives 3 hours away so with him now being at school we only get to see him properly a couple of times a year, as he has a life. Our 2nd son and the Mom do not live together now. Our 2nd lad has been back home for some years. It's her problem to deal with.

Her dramatics are not your problem. You need to detach. Ofcourse you wish she wouldn't have them. She is and you can't stop her. Just quietly get on with your what you need to do.

She doesn't have much option but to get used to it. Whether she realises it or not she is trying to manipulate you to stay put. There is no need for you to feel guilty.

When she starts going on again, change the subject and if it is too much leave if you are at her house. If she is at yours remove yourself to the garden or another room until she has calmed down and tell her what your doing.

Good luck

Sounds like the move is going to help with some healthy boundaries all around.
She'll get over it.
Look after yourself.

Welldone on making a fresh start. Don't worry about mil. Get excited for new beginnings.

What C8H10N4O2 said.

Every.Single.Word.

You absolutely must get independent legal advice for yourself.

Mediation is a terrible idea for people who don't like rocking the boat, people pleasers, people who do not seize the moment. It's not 'kinder, gentler divorce' unless both parties are totally committed to that approach. It can end up leaving one party completely steamrollered.

'Fortune favours the brave' just as much in mediation as in a divorce involving solicitors. Please do not go into this thinking there is merit to being nice, or that anyone is interested in admiring parties who take the high road. You are entering these negotiations representing your DD's best interests.

Solicitors do not equal 'nasty divorce'. What they do is give you a hope for a fair and equitable result to the negotiations. If your exH is a sensible, mature adult he will understand this and engage in good faith and in a business-like way. If he is not a sensible, mature adult then you should absolutely not do mediation with him 'across the table' from you (so to speak).

ThebOPnhas been treated abominably and is right to move nearer the support of her own mother. The MIL is not responsible fir her son’s awfulness but she did bring him up!

Think of this situation as akin to the Brexit negotiations where the MIL is like the EU. Of course she is going to behave outrageously before the move just as the EU are being monstrous now. There is no point once you move or Brexit happens in the MIL or EU trying to assert influence as the die will be cast. They are having a massive hissy fit now and will calm down when they have no further chance of influencing events.

Once you have moved you can control access and you have already said you want the child to keep seeing her grandmother so it will happen - as it should.

Sorry, should read, ‘ the OP has...’

I think it’s all been said really - nothing to add other than send you love 💕 and hugs 🤗 and 💐 wishing you all the best moving forward for you and your daughter xxx

@teacher22 thank you for your comment it made me smile you can’t get away from Brexit anywhere lol! Maybe if I think of MIL as Michel Barnier I won’t feel so guilty .

I will consider the solicitor option. Ex is offerering about 3 times what CSA would make him pay currently. I feel like if we both “lawyer up” it could become a battle and I might just end up with the CSA amount or he won’t obey the court order (because he’s pissed off) and that’s all I’ll be able to get out of him. Currently being nice is working well. He’s coming to see DD off his own back. He’s ordered her a new expensive car seat today which I appreciate.

I know it won’t work forever but if I can keep it going till we’re split maybe I’ll get a better deal. That’s my theory - maybe it’s naieve (sp?)

This is very hard

Sorry like I said before my approach to divorce is probably another thread entirely. This is probably very bad MN etiquette going off on a tangent.

so many of the posts on this thread sound very bitter and ugly !! Please please bring your lovely child up to love all her family and have a good relationship with all of them. When I read some of these post I know why the family courts all full !! A lot of woman/girls on this topic are just projecting there own anger and disappointment with there make his mother pay for his mistakes!! Posts. As I said in a Earlier post this is your chance to be the bigger and better person

Ozma - you don't need to "lawyer up" and you don't need to take it through solicitors at this stage. What you SHOULD do, however, is to take advice from a solicitor so that you know what you are entitled to before you enter mediation. You can bet your bottom dollar that your stbexH has done so! Why should you go into negotiations with less knowledge than him?
Are you aware of your entitlement to part of his pension? Are you prepared to give that up if he asks? What will he do in return?
You MUST know what your entitlement is so that you don't get shafted in the name of "keeping it amicable".

And, I hate to say it, but "being nice" and him being "generous" is because he probably knows he can pull the wool over your eyes and get away with a heap more than he would if you knew what your actual entitlement was.

You are not responsible for this lady's feelings - only she is.

You have not committed an act of cruelty; you have simply set about sorting out your life in a very difficult situation. So you carry no responsibility for her sadness.

Concentrate your efforts on getting your life back on track with your DD.

It is clear that sh invested far far too much emotional energy in your child; but I can understand that it is very uncomfortable for her to acknowledge that her son has behaved like a prize pillock - she is trying to assimilate that as well.

Welcome to the world of MILs, where they are the centre of everything and think that you have just had children for their benefit.
It's you who need the support now, you need to get away and be near your family. It's absolutely not about her. You have offered for her to visit and that is enough. Maybe she should start taking an interest in her own children's lives.

What Winteriscomingnow said with bells on.

If being nice is working now and getting you more than you'd get any other way, that's obviously the right approach. Divorce doesn't have to be adversarial, mine certainly wasn't. My gran used to say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and she was so right.

The more people who love a child the better. Your MiL will never forget your generosity if you facilitate her relationship with her granddaughter and she'll have your back. It's win/win for everyone. Good luck, you're doing well.

Welcome to the world of MILs, where they are the centre of everything and think that you have just had children for their benefit

It is eminently tiresome when people continue to push the “evil MIL” narrative as fact.

FWIW, I don't think you should make any firm promises about going to stay with her as you've no idea how things will work out.

Acknowledge to yourself that she's upset, but it's not YOUR PROBLEM to fix.
You need to concentrate on your dd and yourself, atm.
Keep the channels of communication open, by all means, but you need to focus on healing yourself and your dd, and settling into your new life.
Once you've done this then you can think about the relationship between yourselves, your dd and your PIL.

Thirty years ago I left my sh## of a partner !! I was not found of his mother and she was not found of me!! My boys were 5 & 6 at the time but my own mother pointed out to me that I hated the lot of them but my sons did not!! It was my own lovely mum who said that if I turn bitter and nasty that I would not move on in my own life of course she was right five years later I was married to a wonderful kind loving man. I let my sweet boy see ther grandpents ever month for the whole weekend they picked them up from school on Friday and took them back Monday morning!! They took them on holiday for a week every summer to Spain and they spent Boxing Day with them most years. My boys had a fantastic relationship with both there Grandad and there nana there dad also took them away for two weeks each summer and he took them sking in the winter for a week and would see them ever Wednesday night and one weekend a month!! (School holiday child care was not a problem I every had to worry about my son ended up having four some time five holidays abroad a year after my mum and dad and my husband and me took them way as well) I had loads of friends who said I was a mug for letting them see so much of my boys but I knew my sons were having quality time with me and my family and quality time with there father and his family. When my sons were adults they carried on the relationship with there father and grandparents. Two years ago my sons got a lovely big inheritance from there grandparents enough to get them on the property ladder. After there Nana’s funeral one one my son popped in for a cup of tea he just wanted to thank me for letting him and his brother have a wonderful relationship with his nana grandad dad and for never making him feel guilty for all the fun they had together!! He gave me a big hug and said he knew he was the luckiest man to have a big hearted mum like me!, as my mum use to say u reap what you sow!! How right she was!!

And believe me I really hated ther father but I never let it show to my sons!,

In reality, nanalisa, no one is suggesting that the OP either sever contact with the MIL, or refuse contact. They are just saying that now is not the time to be focusing on committing dates to visit the MIL as often as she would like, nor on the MIL's feelings.
Now is the time for the OP to focus on her and her DD and get them sorted and settled in their new way of life.
I'm quite sure the OP will continue to be in touch with her MIL, and will ensure that her DD continues to have a relationship with her - but at her own pace and her own convenience, not in response to the over-excited demands of a near-hysterical MIL (as described by her own partner).

Well, mNynpeople are Saul f tgt the OP should leave any contact between the little girl and her grandmother, who have seen each other once a week to her obviously flaky and unpleasant father. Which would undoubtedly result in them never seeing each other again.

And I have to say, if I had discovered simultaneously that my son was a complete bastard and my granddaughter was moving away I would be pretty upset too. I think "near hysterical" is a very unfair way to put it.

OP- I really suggest firming up some visits-once they are in the diary you can plan and mil knows that you mean it when you say you'll do your best to make sure she still see your dd. Also when she's older you can show her on the calenday when she's going to see Grandma. This worked well for my children.