Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want mother in law to be less devastated?

293 replies

greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 01:10

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

OP posts:
Cuddlykitten123 · 07/10/2018 07:47

It doesn't sound like you will be wanting DH to be having unsupervised contact any time soon so honestly I'd do what I could to keep her on my side so at least DD could be going their with a devoted granny I trusted overseeing the visits...

AnnieAnoniMouse · 07/10/2018 07:49

You can commmit to those visits - hardly onerous

Say what?

Why the hell should the OP commit to it?

She has her own life to be getting on with after her husband cheated on her, it’s not her responsibility to appease HIS mother. Let him crack on with that and if he doesn’t, tough. ExMIL can take it up with him.

BolleauxtoBankers · 07/10/2018 07:51

I can understand how your MIL feels, Ozma. I also understand your reluctance to commit to your undertaking regular visits to take your DD to see her - I don't think you should do that, myself, until you see how things work out. Would it be too difficult for your MIL and her partner to come and visit your family's part of the world once a month, say, though? I don't know, I'm looking at a compromise here which will suit all of you and will mean that your daughter doesn't lose out on having one of only two grandmothers!
Good luck with it all, it must be awful for you going through this, I hope it settles down in a bit and that you and your MIL can come to an arrangement that works well for all of you.

ilooovechristmas · 07/10/2018 07:51

Don't commit to anything !!! If you ever can't for what ever reason it will just be a whole ordeal !! Let her come to you! You have enough on your plate as a single mum to a Toddler

donajimena · 07/10/2018 07:53

Its true MN does hate MILS.
She's probably worried she won't see her again. You definitely need to move though. Just tell her how you think its going to pan out and reassure her. Then concentrate on yourself.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2018 07:54

“Her over bearing ways are NOT good for DD. It’s one thing to be loved, it’s another to be smothered by an over bearing person.”

Even by Mumsnet standards this is pretty extreme “a mil’s place is in the wrong” material. Wanting to see a grandchild every 8 weeks or so is hardly “over bearing”

MeredithGrey1 · 07/10/2018 07:54

I wouldn’t agree to set up regular, fixed, visits but I would arrange the next few. She might be worrying that you saying she’ll still see DGD is something that will fall by the wayside as you get more and more established in your “new” life away from her. If you give her a few visits that are clearly arranged it might help her see that you are committed to her maintaining her relationship with DGD (which it sounds like you are).

I understand she must be very upset, but I do think she is being a bit silly though, presumably your family have managed just fine living a bit further away from your DD.

seven201 · 07/10/2018 07:56

Definitely don't commit to visiting every two months. You've already said she's welcome to visit and you will visit her too. That is already very accommodating.

sexnotgender · 07/10/2018 07:57

NOT.YOUR.PROBLEM.

She has a right to be upset of course but this is not yours to fix.

You have had your life turned upside down and you need to do whatever it takes for you and your daughter to heal.

She’s a grown woman and will need to accept that her son has caused this and actually she should be supporting you not making you feel guilty.

TruculentandFarty · 07/10/2018 07:58

Wanting to see a grandchild every 8 weeks or so is hardly “over bearing”

Expecting a single mum of a 5 month old to promise to do a six hour round trip with a baby every other month is. The roads go both ways and OP is going to be rearing a kid and possibly working too.

OP may want to do that, but I would not want to promise it, not even to put my MILs mind at ease. Now is not the time to make demands on a young mum who's marriage is breaking up.

Dollymixture22 · 07/10/2018 08:03

It is understandable that she is upset. You are upset too. This is a horrible situation.

She is worried you will move on and she will become an after thought.it would be odd if this didn’t devastate her.

You don’t have a huge amount of space at the moment to manage her emotions, you need to focus on you and your child.

Reassure her there will be contact - she will not be forgotten. She is still the grandmother. But don’t take on her emotions as your problem to fix.

Newbabies15 · 07/10/2018 08:03

Not your problem. Its sad but are you supposed to take on the weight of the world? Focus on yourself. Its not fair that she's crying and making a fuss. You should be the one being helped by her. Selfish woman.

Original poster
greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 08:04

I am trying. We’ve got a few visits in the diary. DD has a medical appointment at Halloween so mil will see her then. I’ve found an air bnb for her near my parents so she can come and see us up there and get to know the area etc she’s booked there in s couple of weeks time. I’ve said I’ll come for Xmas.

Yes my parents coped very well only seeing DD every 6 / 8 weeks this year. They’ve come down in their caravan and generally made the effort and didn’t make me feel guilty for not living near them.

OP posts:
Heatherjayne1972 · 07/10/2018 08:05

I think you have to put Dd first then yourself
You aren’t responsible for another persons reaction op - whoever it is

Although I think your ex should be the one who makes contact happen for his mother

Robin2323 · 07/10/2018 08:05

Please read Julia Kristina's 25 ways to say no list.

Here's an example:

No that's not going to work for me
No I have a full schedule at the moment

DartmoorDoughnut · 07/10/2018 08:08

I feel for her, I’d be gutted too BUT it isn’t your problem to fix. Tell her partner that she’ll have to arrange visits with your ex

Lizzie48 · 07/10/2018 08:16

I really hate this use of the 'waterworks' to get their own way; my DM is good at that and it's very difficult to cope with. No, the OP's MIL didn't tell her how upset she was herself, but she was probably the one pulling his strings.

I'm so sorry your DH has done this to you, OP, you need to focus on your needs and your DD's, and this includes setting your boundaries. Thanks

Sparkletastic · 07/10/2018 08:16

Suggest to MIL's DP that he gets her a dog.

MeredithGrey1 · 07/10/2018 08:17

So between now and Christmas there are already three visits arranged, and she’s still inconsolable? I honestly do feel for her but I do think she needs to get a grip.

Believeitornot · 07/10/2018 08:19

@AnnieAnoniMouse yes to hardly a big deal to commit to a couple of visit over the next few months. I’m not talking about a lifetime of visits. I would frame it along the lines of

“Yes MIL, you can visit, why not set a couple of dates and then after that your son can work out what’s best”.

Done. I’m not talking about contracts or any such nonsense.

PollyFlinderz · 07/10/2018 08:20

this -Agree entirely KC225

Yes. She got it in a nutshell.

PipeTheFuckDown · 07/10/2018 08:25

OP YADNBU. I think you’ve already gone above and beyond to reassure her as much as possible, and frankly that isn’t your job.

A word of warning, however - my ExMIL was like this, I left my exH for very similar reasons. ExH then decided he didn’t want a relationship with our DD, and ExMIL decided she had to support her son and also not see DD. It totally blew me out of the water and tbh it still hurts. She had done lots of I know my sons an alcoholic and a waste of space but I want to be in DGDs life no matter what, etc etc. She isn’t.

sashh · 07/10/2018 08:26

You are doing what is best for you and your dd. You cannot do that and keep the same amount of contact with MIL.

I can understand MIL is devastated, losing her son and gc through her son's stupidity, she may well be blaming herself.

Has you dd stayed over with MIL? I'm thinking long term it might be nice for your dd to have a visit every couple of months, maybe not at 1 but as she gets older.

I do think you should commit to some contact, she is probably worried sick you will cut her out of your life. Invite her to a specific date now. Give her some security such as you can visit us the last weekend in December, it will give MIL something to focus on, a positive rather than a negative.

How is she with technology? Skype or face time can keep her involved.

JacquesHammer · 07/10/2018 08:26

Tough shit for her. She should have raised him better

Man behaves badly so it’s the fault of a woman? Confused

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable OP and you seem to be handling it with kindness which is important.

I can fully understand why MIL is upset.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 07/10/2018 08:28

So, she's desperate to see your dd, but wants you to be the one who goes to all the effort of bringing her down to visit, rather than being arsed enough to come up to you?