To want mother in law to be less devastated?

[greatandpowerfulozma]

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

*many people are saying that...

Thumbwitches I certainly remember one poster who suggested Op block MiL's phone number.

Everything seems to be getting so binary. It's perfectly possible to be sympathetic to Op and MiL at the same time. You don't have to take sides and paint MiL as some sort of narcissistic emotional leech to justify your support for Op. (Not aimed at you directly, Thumbwitch. Just a generalised comment.)

I’m trying mediation in the first instance trying to avoid things getting nasty with solicitors etc.

Are you also getting independent legal advice for yourself? Don't take this the wrong way but if your DH is confident and you are a pleaser you may need to take care that you don't agree to things in mediation which you later regret. Your DH will know you want to keep things amicable. I have seen friends do this despite their best intentions and bitterly regret it

Seeing a solicitor for an objective view on what you should be seeking as outcomes will give you a frame of reference. This may give you more confidence in saying what you want to achieve in mediation and to check back each time to see if you have drifted. in this situation a solicitor isn't making things nasty, they are helping you keep it objective

This might be the most important post you have ever read on MN OP. Please take this advice .

Your husband doesn’t neee to know that you have consulted a solicitor unless you decide to tell him. You can simply say in the mediation that your think that X Y and Z would be fair.

If your husband is such a fair and reasonable man then he won’t have any problem agreeing to a fair settlement at the mediation.

I note you have talked about child support but said nothing about the share of marital assets, such as your home, cars, pensions etc . Remember that he can stop CS any time he chooses and it’s very hard to get him to pay up - read the threads here.

Cash in your bank account is cash in the bank .

You're right, Thymeout - I don't remember all the posts perfectly, but yes, your post rings a bell. Some people are more anti-MIL than others.

However, I stand by my stance that the OP should not be letting MIL stress her out any further at this stage, and taking a step back and dealing with her own issues (and her DD) has to be her priority, not worrying about MIL.

Yes, feel sad for her but not guilty. I wouldn't commit to anything at this point, just reassure her that she will be in dd's life. I know she likes PLANS but she'll have to learn to go with the flow. You don't know how things will pan out and it's easier to give more, than retract over promises.

Absolutely don’t feel guiilty.

But I disagree completely about plans. A couple of firm dates in the diary will reassure the mil and means the OP can just forget about it until the time comes. And if the mil gets demanding, the OP can just bat the dates straight back at her.

in reality THUMWITCHESABROAD half the post have to been quite horrible mean and nasty I was just pointing out that you can move on have a very happy life and still make sure that your child has a wonderful relationship with his father and his fathers family. And in the end what goes around comes around, and your reap what you sow. I hope in twenty /thirty years you are not the one who might not get to see there grandchild but if that did ever happen perhaps you will remember your attitude to the thread!! Remember girls one day you might be the evil mother in law!!

You are quite naive in your approach to the divorce.

You are pleased that your stbxh has decided to see his own child without being forced to. I am afraid you have set the bar very low and will accept crumbs he throws at you.

Ordering a car seat is no substitute for being fair and completely open about bank accounts, debts, assets, and pension rights. Decent men see their children, with no hidden agenda of abusing the children's mother by causing trouble wrt the arrangements, and they do it regardless of whether there are court orders. Lots of former partners have amicable and informal arrangements.

I take it from your gratitude aboit the carseat and your determination to be nice that your H is a 'difficult' man and that you have had to approach him carefully.

If you honestly think he would defy a court order in connection with money or visitation, then I am getting a picture of a man who is not very nice.

Newsflash - defiance of a court order = contempt of court, an offence that will earn him a custodial sentence. You really, really need to find out what your rights are, and what his responsibilities are.

Please go and talk to a solicitor.

And your H has been hung over for a year, and has been taking drugs.

You need to get a solicitor, because money can disappear in a situation like that.

You should also be very hesitant to let your baby off with him if he is such a drinker and taking drugs.

@mathanxiety you are right. I did do a free hour with a solicitor right at the start but perhaps after we send in our financial disclosure forms at mediation I’ll get a solicitor to advise me what to push for. I know when I saw one for that free hour I didn’t have much detail so he wasn’t able to give me much solid advice (also he probably didn’t want to give tha advice for free!)

He isn’t a “difficult” man that I have to tip toe round in the sense that if I don’t he’ll get violent or whatever. He is just very selfish and immature. If things don’t go his way he avoids them (e.g. not opening post/ avoiding people etc).

I think I had it in my head it’s quite common for people to defy divorce court orders and there’s not much you can do if they do? Maybe I’ve read too much MN?

Re. The alcohol and drugs. It’s like he had two lives this year. He’s never done them around the baby he’s just basically barely been home. If he was home he was sleeping off his hangover / sat on the sofa snap chatting with OW. Contact arrangements are informal but I am quietly managing them IYSWIM?

He’s not having the baby overnight and if he takes her on his own it’s for short periods of time (a walk with the pram to the park for example). I know quite a lot about safeguarding from work and I do think an informal arrangement will suit for now. I have told him if I think he’s a risk I’d take it to court (you can do this any time doesn’t need to be part of a divorce) and make it so he only saw DD with his mum / sister/ me there.

You really should not be contemplating mediation with a selfish and drug user and drinker. Does he sulk? Does he give you the silent treatment? Avoiding things when he doesn't get his way can merge into stonewalling.

There is a lot in terms of behaviour in a relationship that falls below the 'violent abuser' bar that has exactly the same effect as a blow to the face. It concerns me that you are so keen on 'managing' the divorce process by being nice.

Seeing the word 'managing' in regard to visitation makes me wonder if this has become a fixture in your relationship vocab. It's very much what partners of abusers see their role as, or partners of drinkers/addicts.

I can see why you would want to keep the visitation informal - it will be much easier for you to change the arrangement or insist on conditions, but please bear in mind that he can approach the court any time if he wants to put the squeeze on you wrt finances for instance, and request a visitation schedule that would include overnights. You need to ask a solicitor if heavy, habitual drinking and/or drug use would be ok to raise in family court as an objection, what standard of proof, what level of being hung over or frequency of heavy drinking would be required for an objection to be sustained. You say he has never done any of this around the baby, just been hung over...

If you have any money, please pay for a solicitor and get a few hours of in depth consultation on the money front and the parenting front.

Why is everyone bashing the MIL? I think it’s absolutely lovely that she loves her granddaughter so much. After being on the opposite side with two kids who never see their paternal grandmother because she doesn’t care I’d take your soon to be ex MIL any day. The poor woman is heart broken.

Well aren't you lovely, Nanalisa. No, I will not have that problem in however many years time thanks to anything I may do, as I won't be making any DIL's problems All About Me.

Why is everyone bashing the MIL

Not everyone is. Thankfully.

Well THUMBWITCHESABROAD I would not be so sure about that as you seem not to be such a lovely witch more on the dark side then the white!!

Juju2017 not every one is MIL busing some of us understand that the poor woman just loves her granddaughter and is probably deversated at her sons behaviour to her daughter in law who she has most likely come very attached to. But ha ho just forget all that run off to a solicitor go to family court and all end up hating each other and let the poor little girl feel her family are a war zone!! Then half the posters on this link will be very happy!! I know the solicitors will be loads of Money!! One of my best friends left family law as it was so toxic it made her ill just could not stand it any longer listening to parents fight over a children like they were possession not people!!

Oh please just reassure the poor woman that she isn’t going to lose her family. A letter from you would be lovely. She’ll be devastated right now by the behaviour of her son and desperately worried about how the changes are going to affect her granddaughter. We all have so many hopes and expectations of how family life is going to be and it’s all crashing down. It’s very early days and things will pan out, as you are obviously a lovely, fair DIL. Once things have calmed down I’m sure she’d settle for barely seeing her granddaughter as long as she knows she’s happy, and can keep in contact. Best wishes to you all.

Hey OP, it's a very, very tough situation for both of you. First off, as hard as it is, well done for leaving your DH and getting your daughter away from a man who is clearly an addict. Not having to live with the absolute awfulness of constant uncertainty and unpleasantness of an addict is the best gift you can give her. And well done for thinking of your needs in this, by going to live nearer your family. It's an amazing gift to your daughter because you are giving her the gift of a mentally stronger mother, due to the support you will receive. And the gift of a healthy extended family. I was in a very similar situation to you when my son was born and moving away from my addict husband and closer to my wonderful family has ensured my son is having a safe and secure upbringing where all his needs for love is met and I can engineer the absolute healthiest relationship possible with his father. (Which is still pretty piss poor, but at least it's causing as little damage as possible.)

As for your MIL. I know she is making you feel bad at a point where you already feel awful but if you can, detach your emotions from her, create your boundaries and enforce them with kindness. She is going through a shitty, shitty time above and beyond her grand-daughter moving away. Her son is an addict and that's an absolute nightmare for a parent. When I left my husband I know my MIL was absolutely terrified that the only future for him would be a downward spiral into death. She was also heartbroken that my son was going to live hours away from her. Yes, she was an emotionally needy type and she couldn't/wouldn't see the differences between my responsibilities to my 3 month old son who was a helpless victim of the situation and her responsibilities to her 36 year old son who was the one who could make a series of (admittedly very hard) choices to change the path he put us all on. She was a lovely, kind woman but in all honesty, she had a tendency to make every situation about her and I do believe that may have played a role in shaping the man my husband became. But even with that in mind, I cut her a lot of slack because my son becoming an addict is my greatest fear. I could stop loving my husband and move on, I don't think a loving parent can ever really do that to a child.

In my case my poor MIL died in the year that followed. I did try my best to ensure she knew she was always welcome to visit me in my home and to visit her, with and without my husband being present. I try to do the same with the rest of my in laws now. As far as I'm concerned, my son has a right to the best relationship possible with his father's family. That having a good, loving friendship with his cousins and a warm, caring relationship with his aunts, uncles and grandfather is something he deserves in his life and having a poor father doesn't mean he should lose out on his relationship with them.

It's not about what any adult wants or believes they deserve in this scenario. It's about me ensuring that my child gets to have loving relationships and a sense of belonging with his entire family. It doesn't matter if his family appreciate my efforts or think I'm odd for still tagging along with their family. (I do think it's the former but even if it wasn't......) It's about my son getting what's right for him. That said, I believe that my FIL, BIL, SIL and her children are all lovely people who shouldn't be cut off from their grandson/nephew/cousin just because their son/brother/uncle has issues.

So do your best to tune out her attempts to make you feel guilty for doing what is best for you and your daughter. And keep the door open for the relationship that you feel is in your daughter's best interests. I don't know if your MIL will ever come to terms with it all. But as long as she isn't transferring her hurt onto your child, then leave the door open to her. She could be someone your daughter loves very much for years to come.