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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want mother in law to be less devastated?

293 replies

greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 01:10

I’m not sure if I’ve phrased this question correctly but here’s the situation.

I have a one year old DD and currently I live about 15 mins drive from my mil and 3 hours drive from my own family. All of the people around us are linked to DH friends/ family etc. I’m quite isolated.

My mil is and always has been very intense / excited about DD (overwhelmingly so) since she found out I was pregnant. For example she has more toys at her house then we do at ours (and we have loads). She has repeatedly said things this year like “I have meaning in my life again now” and “I’m ready to base my life on my granddaughter”. I’ve tried to make sure she sees DD at least once a week because it means so much to her and I have really valued her help.

Trouble is DH has basically behaved appallingly to the point I have to leave him. He’s had an emotional affair (and possibly slept with other people but hasn’t admitted it) he’s been taking drugs. Been abusing alcohol so he’s basically been hungover this entire year.

I am leaving to be near my family. I can’t stay here. The woman he tried to have an affair with is round the corner and frankly I need the support of my mum. DH is on board he’s moving to London so he can easily come up and see DD on a regular basis.

MIL is devestated though. Her partner told me today she’s been crying inconsolably for the last 3 nights and basically is inconsolable all the time. I’ve said she’s welcome to visit us any time and see DD. I said I wouldn’t leave it to DH to make sure she saw DD (because we all know he won’t bother to make it happen).

I understand that she’s upset but I can’t help feeling that she’s been overinvested from the start and has tried to base too much of her life on DD. I want DD to have a relationship with her but I don’t think I’ll be able to ever be able to facilitate the amount of contact she wants (I already feel that way now)!

AIBU to feel guilty for upsetting her but then also resentful that a lot of guilt has been piled on me when I’m trying to deal with my life falling apart?

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 07/10/2018 08:29

*Tough shit for her. She should have raised him better

Man behaves badly so it’s the fault of a woman?*

Exactly. No mention of the dad in all of this.

OP is making too big a deal of this. She’s made leaps from the comments of MIL’s partner. It’s a good opportunity to break from MIL but also appease a little by providing some visits.

EvaHarknessRose · 07/10/2018 08:34

I think its sad, but it is not your fault or your responsibility. You don’t have to take on the emotional labour of planning her visit schedule or accommodation or making long term committments - all you have to do is say yes or ‘no, that’s not convenient’ to any requests she makes to see little one. In fact, that is not even your responsibility, but you are kind to offer to facilitate rather than him. If she pushes or blames you, you should assert a boundary and say ‘I am moving and suffering because my marriage has fallen apart thanks to x’s actions - that’s not your fault but it is not mine either and I need your support, I don’t have the resources to support you with your grief right now, I am in the middle of my own.’

justilou1 · 07/10/2018 08:35

Don’t commit to regular scheduled visits. If you do, stbxh will be scheduled in too. You will also begin to move on with your life as your little girl grows up and your MIL will resent any changes to HER schedule. I would nix that now and only pencil in dates that suit you. (Also from a practical view, if you are bringing DD regularly and stbxh is seeing her, then that shows a regular pattern and gives the impression that he is able to form a consistent pattern of visiting even though you are doing all the schlepping. I wouldn’t go there at all!!!)

ImNotonLinkedInNo · 07/10/2018 08:41

LET go of the guilt. Your husband's behavior ended your marriage and from what you say he won't be bending over backwards to facilitate his mother's good relationship with her granddaughter. Why do you feel the obligation that should be his? He doesn't care about his mother.
My own xmil was the same but she never expressed any devastation on behalf of my mother when I lived so far away from my own mother.
I agree with others saying don't commit to any pattern of visitation that involves you consistently doing all the work. Or even half of the work. I completely agree with @justilou1

Rudgie47 · 07/10/2018 08:43

Sorry am I missing something here? If she wants to see your daughter then its for her to do the trip to you. Not you doing all the travelling.

Why cant she see him when her son has contact?

Put yourself and your daughter first OP, never mind anyone else.

LethalWhite · 07/10/2018 08:46

Is your stbxdh not going to see his DD at all then?

Jent13c · 07/10/2018 08:52

If I was her I would be devastated. She loves her granddaughter and will miss her and has a right to grieve privately. Her partner shouldn’t have got involved. I honestly think she will miss you too, it sounds like you were fairly close and I know if I moved away I would miss my MIL terribly.

I agree that she will have to make a bit more effort, you can’t really commit to going there and staying every 6-8 weeks but maybe you could do it turn about? You are probably not going to find a perfect solution just yet..everything is so raw. But it can be an absolute lifesaver when you go back to work to have some emergency childcare available just in case. And you’ve said your husband isn’t a constistant in your life so not a bad idea to keep the relationship going with her if you can.

Just to note though, you are not being unreasonable. You have been through so much and I hope the move and support from your family all goes brilliant for you x

Ohyesiam · 07/10/2018 08:52

The trouble is your mil is not showing normal interest, she’s wanting to live vicariously through your dd, wanting to be rescued rather than have a relationship with her.
That will end up really tough for your daughter because her needs won’t be seen or met by mil. who will only want to go by her agenda of getting her needs met.
It’s a really unhealthy relationship dynamic.
So unfortunately for mil, moving away from her is the best thing for dd.

BlingLoving · 07/10/2018 08:58

The MIL is upset but she is NOT the one pressuring op. It's her dp who is telling op she must commit to set times and guilt tripping her with the information about MIL crying.

Op it sounds to me like both you and MIL have shitty partners. Her dp might be trying yo help but you specifically say that MIL hasn't put this on you - which tells me she trying really hard even through her own devastation. I would ignore everything said by her dp and pay attention only yo the conversations you have with her. Tell her how much you look forward to seeing her at Halloween and Christmas and yo showing her around your new area and leave it at that.

If you are up for it, Skype is a glorious invention for grandparents. My MIL and mum often skyped with kids for ages, usually around bath or meal times when they were small but now dd will spend an hour on Skype with MIL dancing and chatting and "showing" her her favourite movies. Make no promises, but perhaps try get into habit of regular skyped?

diddl · 07/10/2018 09:01

Absolutely she should be travelling to you, Op.

Even without what you are going through, things change, & once a week wasn't guaranteed forever!

How far away will you ex be from his daughter & mum?

I think it's lovely of you to think of her at all in this & not be leaving it to her son.

mathanxiety · 07/10/2018 09:03

What a horrible mess you have been stuck with.

Your MIL''s H needs to be told simply, 'I'll think it over and get back to you'. He is being most unreasonable and manipulative here, and you must resist.

Make it clear that he and MIL can visit you in your new home frequently. Don't commit to any visits to them. Your DD will have activities, childcare, routines to establish with you, and school is only a few short years off. Don't get into any routine that you will have to change, or any schedule that will involve work or effort for you.

I would not agree to any travel over Christmas if I were you. This in particular has the potential to become a major chore fixed in stone.

The other thing to bear in mind is the possibility of a new partner in your life and the impact on your time together of any commitment to MIL. I know it's not where you;re at right now but it could happen.

Straighttalkersneeded · 07/10/2018 09:04

This guilt belongs with your husband. It's not yours. Everytime it gets brought up just say I know it is sad then move it along. Don't commit to a regular pattern of visits eg every X Saturday or MIL will be inflexible if you need to change. Just stick to arranging each visit at a time.

LilMy33 · 07/10/2018 09:05

YANBU to wish your MIL would back the fuck off and stop making you feel this way. She should be contacting her son and only her son to talk about how devastated she is by the situation. This is all his fault and well, he is her child, not you and not your daughter.

And I know you said that you won’t leave it to your husband to sort out contact between your daughter and your MIL but don’t be afraid to change your mind if she starts monopolising your free time with your child. It sounds like she has form for this and really, her son should be facilitating contact. I get it, my now ex inlaws are overbearing too and out of automatic obligation I assumed I’d be sorting out contact between them and the children. Then a supportive social worker put me right and said actually their father needs to deal with that. She was right.

Petalflowers · 07/10/2018 09:09

If she wants to see dd every two months, maybe you could travel down one month, and she travel up two months later. Then the travelling is shared out, and less onourous on both of you.

fredleighton · 07/10/2018 09:10

I agree with KC225 - she speaks a lot of sense.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/10/2018 09:14

I'm really sorry this has happened to you Op, your H is a twat and you're well rid of him, it's good also that you're going back to be near your parents.

Regarding MIL it sounds like you have been very fair and encouraged her and DDs relationship to grown and of course she's
going to be devastated. I hope you both can work a way around her keeping in touch with you both that suits.

Tough shit for her. She should have raised him better

That's a pretty unkind way of thinking and totally blaming women for a mans bad behaviour. Nice one.

CottonTailRabbit · 07/10/2018 09:24

Why did you look up the Airbnb place? Why couldn't she? You are taking on too much responsibility for fixing her feelings. When you said she could visit, your work was done, she could have made all the arrangements herself.

You have said she can visit sometimes. You have said you will visit her sometimes. The details are for later.

I second the idea that she should get a dog.

Nightwatch999 · 07/10/2018 09:29

OP focus your anger on your lying cheating DH not your MIL. Of course she is upset, not your problem.

Original poster
greatandpowerfulozma · 07/10/2018 09:33

She already has a dog. Maybe she needs another one!

OP posts:
Villainelle · 07/10/2018 09:36

This is like something my mum would do, be all over dramatic about it and then never bother her arse visiting. Don't feel guilty OP and good luck with your new life.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/10/2018 09:37

I think she's the devastation isn't just about you and DD moving away but the fact you and her son are separating, moving on. She will be even more removed from her GD now and having such a close relationship this is going to hurt her. I don't understand why most of you can't see that.

I do hope she's being sensitive and caring to you though OP at this difficult time.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 07/10/2018 09:38

This is like something my mum would do, be all over dramatic about it and then never bother her arse visiting

That has no relevance to the OP and her situation.

BertrandRussell · 07/10/2018 09:40

That sounds perfect, OP. You're facilitating your dd's relationship with her grandmother. Remember it is possible to be kind and understanding without feeling guilty. And it might be a good idea to point out to your mil's partner that it is absolutely unfair of him to talk to you about her feelings. She is allowed to be devastated-anyone would be. But he has no right to share that-unfair or you.And her, if she is wanting to keep her feelings private.

BewareOfDragons · 07/10/2018 09:46

Don't feel guilty. Look at it this way: your MIL raised the asshole you're leaving for cheating, lying, drug and alcohol abuse.

Perhaps her over bearingness and over investment in her child contributed to this. Perhaps this behaviour would cause problems down the line for your child, her grandchild.

I think you're moving farther away is a good thing for both you and your grandchild. Ignore her drama.

nokidshere · 07/10/2018 09:46

Wow - poor MIL

She's been crying for 3 nights but she didn't tell the op that, her dh did.

OP absolutely needs to move away and concentrate on a new life for herself and her daughter. And does not need to take on the role of facilitating everyone else's feelings or visitation plans.

But come on, a little empathy for a woman who feels that she might lose touch with her grandchild isn't too much to ask. You can acknowledge her feelings without getting into all the other stuff. She's probably upset that you are moving away, upset that her son behaved so badly, upset that seeing her grandchild will become more difficult from now on. Why is she not allowed to be upset at the situation too.

And blaming a mother for an adult sons behaviour is ridiculous.