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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
DownWentTheFlag · 04/10/2018 20:24

Did your own grandparents help out when you were kids?

TulipsInBloom1 · 04/10/2018 20:25

Visits absoloutley should be on her terms. She has raised her kids and is now enjoying the freedom. Why burden herself with a weekly obligation?
Your dh is being UR expecting her to "help out". Id be interested to know what he does with the kids himself, without you around.

Where are his folks?

BlueJava · 04/10/2018 20:27

My twin DS are 16 yo, my parents have never helped us out. It's their prerogative and I don't think you should ask or expect anything else.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/10/2018 20:28

Most grandparents do help out with their families even though they are not obliged to. If you're struggling a bit then I think she could help you out here and there as long as you don't take the piss.

Original poster
crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:30

My GM (on DMs side) helped out a lot but also DM didn’t work. DH is hands on and a good DF but there are times when we both need to be at work, fortunately not too often, and even with 6 weeks notice she won’t help. She has plans that she could shift but she won’t. DH’s parents are not an option.

OP posts:
Theyprobablywill · 04/10/2018 20:30

Would she help in an emergency? From her point of view having to arrange one day a week where she has to be available mid afternoon, when she could be shopping, at the cinema, gym, or just binging on a box set, would be very annoying.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2018 20:31

Your mum chose to have you but she didn’t choose to have your two and it’s completely up to her what level of involvement she has. Why would she want to be tied down once a week? Childcare arrangements are yours and your DHs responsibility.

Your DH is BVU and so are you for feeling stuck in the middle. Your DM can do what she wants and you should remind him she’s not obliged to do any childcare at all. She should be able to have a relationship with her grandchildren without being put upon.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2018 20:31

You had these children, not her. You are responsible for 100% of their care. Your mother is under no obligation to provide child care. It's totally unreasonable to expect her to and your husband needs to grow up.

Bambamber · 04/10/2018 20:32

My daughter's grandparents don't help. They've never offered and I've never asked. Wouldn't even cross my mind that they should be doing more. I pay for childcare and grandparents can enjoy all the fun bits when they visit

user1493413286 · 04/10/2018 20:33

We have a similar situation; conclusion I have come to is that my DM has done her “child rearing” days and we chose to have DC, not her so while the help would be great we shouting expect it

ZenNudist · 04/10/2018 20:33

It's understandable that she doesn't want to have a weekly obligation. Your DC should see their grandparents because they want to not because they have to have them. There's a big difference between doing an after school run and tea and general weeknights log compared to a nice visit to enjoy somebody's company.

Both sets of grandparents alive here, and neither help with childcare except for school holiday visits. I have a babysitter for evenings, we use breakfast and after school club and holiday clubs. My children see their grandparents generally with me and the h as family visits.

fixingabrokenhesrt · 04/10/2018 20:35

Unless your mother had say in when you had children then yes yabu

Original poster
crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:37

To be fair I did say in my OP that I wasn’t pushing for the once a week childcare, I understand her point of view. It’s getting so frustrating that she won’t even help for a day here and there when asked far in advance though. She’s always asking to have the grandchildren to stay for a weekend but we don’t need help at the weekend, I just want someone who will help out every 3 months or so. I’m exhausted and fed up.

OP posts:
drspouse · 04/10/2018 20:37

When you say, on her terms, do you mean wants to be waited on? Or helps wash up but comes when she's free and doesn't give you much notice?

choli · 04/10/2018 20:38

No, shouldn't be doing more. She should do exactly as much as she chooses. Next time your husband comments on it point out that his parents do nothing at all for you.

anitagreen · 04/10/2018 20:38

There your kids though why be exhausted and fed up you chose to have them so I don't see why you or your dh would be miserable that she's not helping their your responsibility Confused

Lucy001 · 04/10/2018 20:38

I adore my granddaughter. I've done my stint. My job is to spoil her rotten and be there in emergencies.

They are your children.

BarbarianMum · 04/10/2018 20:39

She is not obliged to help, although most do. The entire relationship doesnt have to be on her terms though. You can offer opportunities to meet up when and where and how it suits you. If her terms dont suit you then try a breezy "no that doesnt work for us" .

Original poster
crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:41

When I say ‘on her terms’ she always pops over when she’s free with hardly any notice. I don’t actually mind that too much but I wish she would help me when I needed it. I don’t expect regular help, i pay for after school clubs and nursery so don’t need it but there are times when neither of those options are available and she doesn’t lift a finger Sad

OP posts:
anitagreen · 04/10/2018 20:42

Because she doesn't have to what are you not getting?

Disquieted1 · 04/10/2018 20:42

These things are never easy. A friend's parents took the same approach: we've done our bit, they're your kids, it's time for us to enjoy life etc.
Fifteen years on, they're frail and always calling on my friend to help them. She does help them, a lot, but thinks her parents are "selfish bastards" for not helping her when she needed it.

fixingabrokenhesrt · 04/10/2018 20:42

If your exhausted then why isn't your dh stepping up instead of trying to pass it off as your mums fault for not helping?

harriethoyle · 04/10/2018 20:42

Yabvu. Why should she? She's done the grind of child rearing.

Gemz1806 · 04/10/2018 20:42

I think as your title suggest she "shouldn't" have to do anything. However, I do think alot if not most do choose to help out with GC. They enjoy it, it gives them time alone without parents eyes watching the sweets and they get to know them and feel useful. Im of a group where all my friends parents help out at least once a week with school and nursery care. I can only talk for me but my mum and my MIL have taken the boy's once a wee each since 9mts to save nursery costs and will do the school run if needed. Like you neirher work, so its flexible.

I dont think they should but they want to and enjoy it so very much. Id also want to help my kids out if age allows it.

BarbarianMum · 04/10/2018 20:43

Well your friend's a bit if a mug then Disquieted. These things do work both ways.