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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
Perfectly1mperfect · 04/10/2018 20:45

Grandparents don't have to help but I think the nice ones want to if they can. In my experience the ones that have the attitude like your mum has end up not having a close relationship with their children or grandchildren as the years pass. It will help if you just expect nothing from her and don't always be available when she's free either.

reallybadidea · 04/10/2018 20:51

Well of course she's not obliged to help out, but I don't think it's unreasonable to hope that one's parents would care enough to want to take the pressure off a bit.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/10/2018 20:52

I can see both points of view on this one. Family dynamics are all different. Personally I think close families help each other out especially if they're struggling.

My grandparents helped out with me and my sibling a lot when we were young. My mum helped her out when she was older. My mum and dad help me out as well. I expect to help them out as much as I can when they are older not because I have to but because I want to.

I think some people do take the piss with GP help. I know people with decent careers who could afford other childcare who GP look after the kid pretty much full time. That ties them down so much as they can't ever spontaneously do anything on those days. It can't be easy either - it's hard enough when it's your own kids and you're 30 years younger.

I think it's a bit more blurred when people do weekend and shift work - childcare is really limited and GP care means the difference between working and being on benefits.

I think it's also hard if they do it for the first grandchild as then it's expectedfor any future grandkids

My parents didn't offer to help weekly and I didn't ask. However I do rely on their help in emergencies. For example if my kid was ill for 10 days I'd do a day off work and my husband would, but then I'd hope they could come for a few days (wouldn't for flu or d and v or anything that would hurt them). My husband also works away sometimes and I rely on them to help out. I am massively grateful and try and express this in different ways like recently got them a surprise meal and night in a hotel etc.

Sorry I'm rambling (Wine) but I think in your situation, you're not asking or expecting anything regular but would like some one off help or babysitting and I don't think it's unreasonable to expect this, given most grandparents would be happy to do this. I'd do this for a good mate let alone family!! Yes she has had her kids...but those kids (you) still struggle occasionally and might need you help.

Saying that I'm not sure what you can do. If she doesn't want to do it, pushing her is either going to piss her off or get her to help under duress

twosunbathingdogs · 04/10/2018 20:52

My DP were similar and I could not rely on them to help out even with when they were retired and living next door and I was a single working mother. My career and health suffered as a consequence.

My DC are adults and may have children in the next few years - I intend to offer consistent and reliable childcare if and when they need it. My DP are now elderly and I do not feel any obligation to prioritise their needs over mine. You reap what you sow.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/10/2018 20:54

Also from my own experience I agree that the GP who helped more had a much closer relationship with their grandchildren. I still miss my gran who spent a lot of time with us

Gnomesofthegalaxy · 04/10/2018 20:55

Actually I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable. You're not asking for regular childcare (I think that wbu), just the odd occasion with a lot of notice. Surely families are meant to help each other - it's not like you're asking her to raise the kids for you!

Maybe she thinks if she does it once the requests will get more frequent?

DownWentTheFlag · 04/10/2018 20:58

Do you allow her to help with the children on weekends, as she requests?

Stompythedinosaur · 04/10/2018 20:59

She doesn't have to, of course, but I do think that not helping out as a one off with plenty of notice when she doesn't have plans is a bit mean. I'm certain I will still want to help my dc out when they are older.

Original poster
crumble82 · 04/10/2018 21:00

Thanks everyone, like I said, nothing will change and there’s no point falling out over it. I just wanted to see if I was BU. Mixed answers so I guess there’s no right one!

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 04/10/2018 21:01

It sounds like you are feeling frustrated.

Because you always accommodate her wish to come over and see you whenever she wishes and at short notice , even if it doesn’t suit you. It mght not be convenient but you put yourself out for her.

OTOH she will NEVER agree to come over at a time that DOES suit you. She will not make any plans just in case she thinks of something better to do.

Yabbers · 04/10/2018 21:01

So it’s gone from she won’t do a regular one day a week to now she never helps out in an emergency?

Clearly if she won’t ever help if you are in a tight spot, that’s a bit unfair. But on the original point, no, she absolutely has no obligation to give a regular day a week.

PickledChutney · 04/10/2018 21:02

YABU. It’s not her job to help out with your kids when you want her to. I’m about to have my first child and my Mum has made it clear that she won’t be babysitting as she has her own life and I’m absolutely fine with it - she already raised me and my brothers and now she’s retired it’s her time to do whatever she wants. I don’t blame her at all. She raised her kids and now it’s time for me to raise mine.

Original poster
crumble82 · 04/10/2018 21:03

Sorry, I don’t know how to tag people and answer them directly but I do let her have the children some weekends when she asks. Not always though as I quite like seeing them too!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 21:03

I thought most grandparents wanted to get involved with caring for the dgc. I have my two once a fortnight, I pick up dgs5 from school twice a week and often have him at weekends. I must be doing something wrong! Shock

Pidgythe2nd · 04/10/2018 21:04

She doesn’t have to, but I personally think it’s a bit mean if she doesn’t help occasionally.
Particularly if she lives locally and has nothing else planned that day. Why wouldn’t you in that situation.

My DM isn’t particularly helpful and always spurts out the same excuses that she has her life, lives 70 mins drive away, still works a few days etc. Etc. Fair enough. However, if she was free and I was really stuck she’d definitely help out as a one off.

wtfhaveijustread · 04/10/2018 21:05

At the end of the day you chose to have kids, if she wanted to be doing school runs etc etc again she would of had more kids.

Yabbers · 04/10/2018 21:05

She does help them, a lot, but thinks her parents are "selfish bastards" for not helping her when she needed it.
She’s clearly forgotten the years they spent raising her. What a shitty attitude to have.

user1499173618 · 04/10/2018 21:06

I can understand her not wanting a regular commitment but it’s a bit mean not to offer to help out.

NWQM · 04/10/2018 21:07

I think you are right to be disappointed that she won’t help in emergencies or by prior notice or in advance. I’ve helped out Mum’s I barely know and couldn’t imagine not helping my daughter. That she wants the children at weekends and not in the week is a bit odd and disingenuous with the idea that it is just because she is done with raising children:

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 04/10/2018 21:07

I have two young grandchildren. We have been asked to have them for a day and occasionally overnight. Most of the time we say yes, sometimes it's been with very little notice and we have had to change our plans around, although my husband gets annoyed if it interferes with any arrangements we already have in place. It's sometimes hard for grandparents, because on the one hand most want to be involved up to a point. I don't ever want to trot out the line "you had them, you look after them" it's not helpful, but it can't be taken for granted OP that your mother should drop everything to fit in with your arrangements.

MrsStrowman · 04/10/2018 21:07

I get that grandparents don't have to help, but it's always interesting to hear they had parental support when they had young children of their own, but don't want to 'pay it forward', is a case of I'll take the support but it's unreasonable to even suggest I'd offer it.
I don't think YABU to ask for the odd bit of help especially as it's not a regular commitment and you give plenty of notice and is when you're in a bind with work and none of your usual child care available. Sadly that's not going to change her view or actions.

occasionalalice · 04/10/2018 21:09

With an entire week to yourself I think it’s a bit mean for a grandparent not to offer one afternoon.
After all in her circumstances she will have the other 6.5 days to meet friends/shop/cinema.
A school run a week would be something I’d look forward too as a grandparent, as I could do it without the million other things that are squashed into a working day. Plus it would feel good knowing I had helped my dc out. I think it’s actually healthy for someone in the stage of retirement, if they are comfortable and well, to do a small thing a week for others. When you help other people out there are proven benefits for your own mental health.

Some people are just more selfish and possessive of their time however and that is her choice, I think you would be unreasonable to push it when she doesn’t want to.
I think you just have to accept that some grandparents are more willing to help than others. It is her decision but I think it’s sad and I can understand your point of view.

Phineyj · 04/10/2018 21:11

Well, if she actually wants to have them at a weekend then why not let her once in a while? I don't really understand your position - if you're tired, why wouldn't a child-free weekend help? My DM does help out with our DD from time to time but she doesn't really do emergencies - she needs notice, dislikes all illness and doesn't want to cancel other things for last-minute childcare (she has a better social life than we do and is still working quite a bit even in her late 70s). Your DM may be smarter than you think too - perhaps she has noticed your DH's feelings on the matter and suspects that more organised helping out would quickly become a commitment that grew.

Also, I'm not sure if anyone else has asked already but what do your DH's parents do to help out, if they're around?

Mishappening · 04/10/2018 21:12

I think it depends on what you DM has chosen to do with her retirement. I am a GM and do some child care (one day a week) and school pickups (twice a week.). I love it all and treasure the special relationship that I share with the GC. However, one of the reasons that I am available to do this is because I am also carer to my OH who has PD, so the opportunity to be off and away and enjoying ourselves has been curtailed. I suspect that if we had not been so trapped by his illness, we might have found it harder to be available for child care.

I think you have to take your DM as she is and respect her choices. Enjoy the offers she suggests and feel grateful for those. You do sound quite cross with her - possibly because your OH has expectations of her that are not being met and you are caught in the middle.

Weedinosaurus · 04/10/2018 21:12

I think the issue here is that we want our parents to want To help. Mine are amazing. They absolutely love my kids and get disappointed when they don’t get to see them. They help me out every week with kids and are willing to help with extra whenever they can. They help in my house and garden and sometimes even cook for me. I’d be lost without them. MIL isn’t as hands on but is still amazing and helps once a week. I’m beyond grateful and in no way expect what I get but the point I’m making is the loveliest thing about the situation is that they WANT to help and I think that could be what OP is getting at. It would be nice for her if she and her children were closer.