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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 22:57

A PP made a really good point re pension age. And the economy has changed massively along with working habits.

My parents generation (I'm 50) were able to afford to buy a house and reasonably early retirement on one wage. Dad had an ordinary middle management 9-5 job, Mum didn't work outside the home (nor did she want to). Dad retired at 57 - Mum had time on her hands to be a hands on GM in her early 50s. Those figures and ages don't apply anymore. People are having children much later and a lot of people will have to take part time work after they retire at 67. It makes me sad that a whole way of life has gone really.

PollyFlinderz · 09/10/2018 01:49

sterday 21:00 ShineOnHarvestMoon

Some of you need to remember that people still work in their 60s Being 60-something is no longer old age for most of us

I don’t think people have to remember the obvious. But thank you for pointing it out anyway.

Gottagetmoving · 09/10/2018 06:49

@thighofrelief

Thanks, but I'm not good at tricking. I can't lie to him.I've told him I will have to get a job, and I've explained it's up to him what he does. I think he's scared to broach it with his wife

MaruMaru · 09/10/2018 06:57

It is unreasonable to "expect" help from your DM.
If she offers, you can accept. You can even ask, I suppose (but that can put people in an awkward position), but accept a simple no in response. She doesn't have to justify herself.
What does your DH 'expect' her to do? Does he expect the same of his father and father-in-law? Or is childcare just women's work??? Does he think grandma has an obligation to do childcare when it's inconvenient for him/ you????
You can't plan your family assuming other people are going to make it work. Its the parents' responsibility and it's a bonus if grandparents help out. They're not obliged to, and certainly not a regular commitment.

Singinghollybob · 09/10/2018 08:55

What would your DM actually say in response if you asked her to look after your children one afternoon with say, 6 weeks notice?

Sodavod · 09/10/2018 10:17

I know what mine would say....she'd look at me in panic then get her little diary out...let me see now... Ooh...I've got Methodist meeting there...badminton there....nails done there...meaning it's really putting me out. Did the same when heavily pregnant just before maternity leave I asked a one off of minding dd whilst working. Let me down. Then again I was still in hospital after I'd given birth she told me she ' couldn't ' take her to school that morning as she was ' too tired'. Slammed the phone down on me. it's a 5 min drive away plus she agreed. let me down again. And so it continues. That certainly in my books IS selfish.

thighofrelief · 09/10/2018 10:31

Sodavod I think that's actually cruel. It's a shame to give less of a helping hand to your adult DC than you would a neighbour.

thighofrelief · 09/10/2018 10:33

gotta tell him to stop bloody pearl clutching and woman up

Gottagetmoving · 09/10/2018 10:39

gotta tell him to stop bloody pearl clutching and woman up

Have done that,....often...

PollyFlinderz · 09/10/2018 14:30

grin Have done that,....often...

You might now need to resort to an old fashioned smacked bum and washing his mouth out with soapy water. 😜

Gottagetmoving · 09/10/2018 14:41

You might now need to resort to an old fashioned smacked bum and washing his mouth out with soapy water

Now THAT....I have never done!... maybe that's where I went wrong

OliviaStabler · 10/10/2018 17:23

YANBU The odd request for help is not unreasonable. I suspect she thinks / fears this would turn into a more permanent arrangement.

Snowymountainsalways · 10/10/2018 17:37

I couldn't read the whole thread (its huge) but read most of it.

Op, you are not U to want some help and support with your dc, and it IS annoying that she is seeing you only on your terms only.

I would take a step back, clearly she doesn't want to commit. Thats fine but I would stop be always available when she wants to come, and start using the well loved MN saying of 'that day/time doesn't work for me' and create some space. If she is not willing to help then find someone who will even if this means getting a job of your own.

Some gps are disney grandparents, want to be there for all the best bits but very shy about getting properly involved in the heavy lifting. That can leave people feeling very used.

Reset the boundaries, she needs to call before coming and you need to agree to the visit. Start spending more time with friends and doing your own thing. Stop relying on her and look for support elsewhere.

It is disappointing when you feel someone who should be there, isn't there for you. One day you she will be the dependent one and you will be free to do as you please and on your terms then. What comes around goes around.

Snowymountainsalways · 10/10/2018 17:37

*her terms only

teaandtoast · 10/10/2018 22:27

@Snowymountainsalways - actually, according to your philosophy, she won't be 'free to do as you please...', because she'll be doing the heavy lifting with her grandchildren. What comes around goes around.

Snowymountainsalways · 11/10/2018 05:59

teaandtoast There is usually at least a fifteen year gap between the children being relatively independent and easy to care for and having children of their own. In many cases that stage is much longer. In that time op should not feel any obligation beyond what suits her, and she can pop in once a month to the nursing home or whatever fits around her plans.

shearwater · 11/10/2018 06:09

My grandparents often picked me up from school, and then they moved in with us. Before that I used to go to an aunty's after school. That's what we do in our family, help one another out, and people more often than not used to live with or near extended family and look after one another's children. Working class families, where women have always had to go out to work, anyway.

AnotherEmma · 11/10/2018 06:38

I’m in team YANBU.

This comment was several pages back but I suspect it’s the reason why DH is so annoyed that DM won’t help out occasionally:

“DH does help my DM out. It’s not regular but he helps with cleaning the gutters, heavy lifting, odd jobs around the house so actually that probably makes the situation worse!!”

I’m as feminist as they come but I think it’s ridiculous that some PPs have called him sexist.

I suggest he stops doing so much to help her out. She can pay someone.

Skyejuly · 11/10/2018 06:44

My mum does not help at all and I dont expect her too.

clairedelalune · 11/10/2018 06:48

I haven't had the time to read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been said, but do you make an effort to see her for fun times all as a family/ just you and her? Or is it she only gets invited when there is child care to do? She may feel it's the latter which is why she pops in and out / offers for a weekend etc

user1457017537 · 11/10/2018 06:53

Sheerwater hear hear!

Xiaoxiong · 11/10/2018 06:59

I do think if this had been phrased as:

"I don't expect my DM to do any childcare and pay for regular childcare and afterschool clubs, she sees the kids regularly on her own terms, lives locally and is in good health, AIBU to expect that with 6 weeks notice she could do us a favour once in a while for a one-off work emergency?"

The initial answers would have been a bit different.

For what it's worth YANBU OP. She isn't unreasonable not to want to commit to something regular, but for a favour once in a while I would think she could shift her plans to help. Certainly I think you guys should in future be too busy to help her with favours like gutters and heavy lifting. The

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