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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:

Perfectly1mperfect · 04/10/2018 21:29

she is under no obligation whatsoever to help you out with the children you decided to have

🙄 Most people here have said that. But what on earth are family for if not to spend time with and help each other out.

Leeds2 · 04/10/2018 21:30

I think I would be a bit disappointed too, OP. Yes, your DC are not her responsibility in any way, shape or form. No, I don't think she is being unreasonable to not commit to regular, weekly childcare. But I would hope, in her situation, I could commit to one day's after school care booked weeks in advance.
I wouldn't appreciate DH's stance though. Is his concern at having to pay for childcare when he thinks your DM should have them?

annikin · 04/10/2018 21:30

My parents have never helped us out but I wouldn't expect them to. I had the dc, not them. They've done all that. YABU. But I have seen lots of other people get help so I can understand why you might see that and think it's to be expected but I think they're just lucky.

ilooovechristmas · 04/10/2018 21:31

My DM is raising 3 of her grandchildren (2 primary school age and a baby) she is almost 60 and would still pick my DD up from nursery if I need her to.... your mum could help out more.

TheBigFatMermaid · 04/10/2018 21:31

My GM was very involved in mine and my DSis's lives when we were growing up, she was practically a co-parent with my DM.

My DM has helped my DSis a bit, but not a lot with he DC, they are all grown up now.

She has not helped me with my DC at all. I asked her to help a few weeks ago, come and be with my DC while me and DP went on a rare night out, a friends wedding evening do. She couldn't because she was looking after DSis's dog for the weekend!

It is what it is, I have good friends who will help out and at 13 and 12, I really could have left my DC for a couple of hours, but I would have worried. I went on my own.

TheBigFatMermaid · 04/10/2018 21:33

Oh and yesterday my adult DD rang me, stressed from lack of sleep and I rearranged things so I could go round and look after her babies, so she could go to bed for a bit (couldn't whisk them off as 6 month old is BF).

MustStopSnacking28 · 04/10/2018 21:34

I can see both sides to this. My mum will be looking after my DS when I got back to work for 2/3 days a week - it actually the only way I can go back to work really as full time childcare would wipe out my wage. Obviously I know that DS is mine and DHs responsibility as we chose to have him but as my mum really wants to help I feel very lucky that we can save such a huge amount of money because of her.

On the other hand DHs parents are also both retired and live around an hour away. They always moan about rarely seeing their grandchildren so when I was pregnant DH asked whether they would like to come and see our baby once a month. They didn’t want to be ‘tied down’. DH is quite hurt by this attitude but i can understand it as they were caring for DHs frail grandparents until fairly recently so probably need a break.

So I am on the fence - I think it’s mean if you are giving a lot of notice but also I guess she wants to enjoy her life and allow herself to be spontaneous?

happychange · 04/10/2018 21:35

My mil is the same so you have my sympathies!

occasionalalice · 04/10/2018 21:35

@chaoscategorised what kind of retired mother in good health would leave her daughter with two broken legs, the ceiling fallen in, husband away and no childcare without any help?

If my mother did this to me I’d probably never speak to her again.

I wonder if the responses would be the same if it was a sahm of school age children, good health, comfortable lifestyle, who wouldn’t pop in and do something for her elderly mother a couple of hours a week. I bet people Would say she is selfish and all sorts.

Can’t understand this kind of attitude at all from people who think grandparents should never help. Just don’t understand why if you have a lot of time on your hands and are able you wouldn’t want to do something for people in your family.
Such a selfish and insular existence can’t make for a happy one.

choli · 04/10/2018 21:37

My DM isn’t particularly helpful and always spurts out the same excuses that she has her life, lives 70 mins drive away, still works a few days etc. Etc. Fair enough. However, if she was free and I was really stuck she’d definitely help out as a one off.

You expect your mother to drive 70 miles to your house to babysit or pick up your kid from school? Presumable on a day she isn't working, or do you expect her to take a day off from work as well? And you call this an excuse rather than a very good reason?!

As for the OP, my guess is that her mother has seen far too often what happens in these situations. It starts with a one-off, and if you oblige you find the demands increasing gradually until you are expected to be full time after school care for the grandkids. If you do it for one you are expected to do it for all of them, and huge family resentments are created if you don't provide the same amount of free childcare for the children of all your children.

She wisely chooses not to put herself in that position.

NickyNora · 04/10/2018 21:38

My mother has never looked after my dc. I donr expect her to.

I look after my grandaughter because i want too.

I think you shoukd speak to your mum but chances are she doesn't want to care for your dc & thats her choice.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 04/10/2018 21:38

I don't think she 'should' be doing more, no:m; but equally if she's unwilling to help you out now, you may be less inclined to be involved in her care when she's elderly. Works both ways in my view.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 04/10/2018 21:39

Does your dm have other grandchildren? I don't think yabu to expect some support and help when needed.

My dm has never provided childcare as she still works but when able always helps out, she insists on picking dd up from school one day a week and afaik has never refused to babysit when I've needed it. Dd and dm have incredibly close bond.

CatsRock · 04/10/2018 21:40

Should she be doing more? No.

As many other posters have said, she's parented her own children, she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.

However, with our GPs on both sides, I am clear that if they don't want to help (and ours don't, much) then they have to accept being factored in alongside other commitments and priorities and wants we have as a family, including socialising with friends, having family time, down time etc.

We make our decisions on how to spend time based on our needs, not grandparental wants.

So visits are NOT 'on their terms'. They have to ask in advance if they want to visit, or us to visit them, and have to accept hearing sometimes that we are not available that date, or, sometimes, any time soon.

My mum in particular grumbles sometimes that she doesn't get to see us often enough / when she wants.

But frankly if she is not prepared to make herself useful she can't also expect to be the priority / have preferential treatment. I'd revisit this if her health was poor (it's not) and when the kids are older (all of ours are under 5 at the moment so we are in the thick of it).

If I were you, OP, I'd reflect on what kind of frequency and type of visits I wanted with my mum, and also discuss that with my DH: I can see why he would resent his MIL visiting a lot without helping out much. I certainly would.

Once you two have agreed what your boundaries are, you can reset your mum's visits to something that is manageable for you.

Babymamamama · 04/10/2018 21:40

Of course there's no imperative for any grandparent to do anything, but I do get where the OP is coming from and it is sad when they really don't want to (despite seemingly having all the time in the world). OP I think you said she has offered some weekends. Why would you not accept this? Any break is a good one in my opinion so don't cut off your nose to spite your face by not taking her up on this. My mother is so resistant to any type of helping and Lord knows I haven't asked her for much. It grates but I think well it's your loss.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 04/10/2018 21:41

I think most grand parents help out when they can.

I also do think parents shouod never EXPECT grand parents to help out.

My own parents have helped, my PIL didn’t. Because their situation were different.
I’m very grateful of the help my parents have given us. But I wouod have been happy for them to choose not look after the dcs during the hols etc etc

TheBlueDot · 04/10/2018 21:42

I think she might have picked up on your DHs attitude, like a pp said.

How do they get on? You said you get stuck between them - does she sense your DH doesn’t appreciate her? Is he annoyed that she didn’t offer to do once a week childcare and has she picked that up?

Original poster

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 21:42

DM has no other grandchildren. I’m an only child so she’s not likely to either! It is what it is. I’m tired, frustrated and fed up and miss having a parent I can rely on.

OP posts:

choli · 04/10/2018 21:45

You are an adult - you should be past relying on your parents.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 04/10/2018 21:46

Btw I also agree that if you have a relationships with your parents that is good enough and they have the time, then it is surprising to see them say ‘No I’m not helping’.

I d9nt see my relationship to them on a basis of ‘I will only see you or give you some priority if you are doing somwth8ng useful to us’.
For me that a a totally foreign way of looking at relationship.
I do things for my parents because I love them. They are my parents and I wouod always help them if they have any need.
My parents are always helping me if they can becaus ethey love me and wouod always do somwth8ng if they know it’s making my life easier.
There is no expectation on either side. It just happens because we love each other and that what been a family is about,

ilooovechristmas · 04/10/2018 21:46

@crumble82 no one has helped us with out DD I haven't had a night of in over 2 years! I feel your pain.....

Babymamamama · 04/10/2018 21:46

I get it completely. But you cannot change people only your response to them. I would start being less accommodating to her. With my own mother I reduced the amount of times she would come round to eat with us as I frankly found her so unhelpful it was more burdensome than anything else. She wouldn't even offer to give dd a bath if I was busy tidying up after dinner. When I compare her to other grandparents it's so frustrating.

scottishdiem · 04/10/2018 21:47

Meh. I find these things are reciprocal. When she is older and frail she can sort her own care and support.

What comes around, goes around.

RomanyRoots · 04/10/2018 21:47

I understand and it's a huge shame and her loss.
Maybe put your foot down and have visits on your terms.
I can't wait to be a grandma and help out, I've been asked to do one day a week already, a while to go yet, but I can't wait.
I don't understand why somebody wouldn't want to. I can understand that it might not always be possible, but I don't think you are asking too much, and I'd be hurt, too.

BumblebeeBum · 04/10/2018 21:49

What does your DH do to help your DM? Does he mow her lawn every week? Walk her dog every day? Clean her bathroom once a week? Anything at all? You know, to help out?

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