Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
Justadistanthummm · 04/10/2018 22:41

Give this mum a break. YANBU. Definitely not. Loads of grandparents actually OFFER to do childcare and you'd think that your own mum would want to. Yes we know she's had her own kids blah blah and now it's her turn to see grandkids on her terms but when it comes down to it she should be helping or at least spending time to bond with them. In the end she'l lose out. The visits get fewer and fewer then she won't even know what her grandchildren are like at all. Then it'l all be sulky through her own fault. At my daughters school most days grandparents pick up as standard except hers. Because she's having her 'hair done 'or 'going to some lunch' with someone. If she hasnt offered by now, leave her to it. Her loss. We've been there and done it. I know for sure il be there for MY grandchildren. some are just self centered I'm afraid.

thereallifesaffy · 04/10/2018 22:47

I might add I think not having help has its advantages. I like the way we four have been a unit and made up our own rules and been able to be consistent. When my parents did 3 days of childcare a week for my sister her children would
Just be sat like zombies in front of the TV all day. That would have driven me nuts!

helacells · 04/10/2018 22:48

Get a nanny like everyone else

user1489792710 · 04/10/2018 22:51

You have my sympathies OP. My grandparents on both sides helped look after us so my mother could work. I'm from a culture where mothers are meant to help. Not mine though... even when we had two domestics helpers to help her with house work and childcare she would still complain if I was a minute late getting home from work.

I'm now NC with my family living in another country and feel better for it. I don't expect any help from them and happier with more reliable childcare. It hurt more so because my mother had such support from her parents and siblings but wasnt willing to offer her own daughter the same.

BarbarianMum · 04/10/2018 23:08

Yes hela we all have nannies.

Dobbythesockelf · 04/10/2018 23:14

Pay for childcare. We live hours away from either of our families if we need emergency childcare we either have to pay or use annual leave etc. Your mum has offered to have them for the weekend why not take her up on this and have a rest if you are so exhausted.
My gps never did regular childcare when I was a kid but I had a brilliant relationship with them.
My mum would help out if she had prior notice but I can only think of 1 instance in 4 years I have had to ask her. She doesn't owe you anything at the end of the day.

choli · 04/10/2018 23:18

At my daughters school most days grandparents pick up as standard except hers. Because she's having her 'hair done 'or 'going to some lunch' with someone.

The nerve of her having a life!

Coffeeisnecessary · 04/10/2018 23:25

I'm amazed by some of the responses on here, surely you have responsibility for your children for life, which includes when they are an adult and finding it tough and needing a break occasionally. I certainly hope I will be a helpful grandparent, OP has said she doesn't want a weekly commitment but just occasional help. These people who think grandparents shouldn't help: at what age must you cast your adult children aside and live your life as if they were never your concern?! I think yanbu at all op.

BagelGoesWalking · 04/10/2018 23:27

I'm not yet a GM but I understand her wish not to be "tied down" to looking after the GCs too much But I don't think once a week is too much to ask. She's obviously confident to look after them at the weekend. Once a week isn't really very much when you consider the many school holidays, half terms etc when she won't have to do it.

Would she need to drive? Maybe she doesn't want the responsibility of driving them? Or walking with them from school? Could there be some issue that she's worried about, that you haven't considered?

Lazypuppy · 04/10/2018 23:30

I find it odd. My nan basically helped raise me, and my mum is doing the same for my dd. She will be having her 3 days a week when i go back to work.

In our family, that's what happens, because that's what everyone wants. I'd be so sad if my mum wasn't involved as much as she is

Didiusfalco · 04/10/2018 23:33

Some of the replies on here are bloody weird. Families help each other don’t they? Whilst not doing regular long stints of child care my dps are awesome at stepping in to babysit and emergencies. Equally we help out with lifts, and looking out for elderly gm, so they can go on holidays without worrying. Wouldn’t want to be part of a family where people just looked out for themselves and thought ‘not my problem’.

scaryteacher · 04/10/2018 23:34

I don't understand how some of you correlate helping an elderly parent out with what they do to help you with your own kids. If you were brought up with love, fed, clothed, and helped and nurtured by your own parents, don't you think that helping them out when they are older repays that a bit?

Neither sets of GPs helped us, as we lived 3.5 hours away if the roads were clear. We had to cope, and did. Once DM had retired and moved closer, then she would take ds if he was ill and if it was convenient for her, but I had to take leave if it wasn't. What she did do however, was to feed me once a week when ds was at an after school club, so she knew that I'd had one proper meal a week, as I often couldn't be bothered to cook for myself, and ds had had three cooked meals that day at school.

Ds was my responsibility, not that of any of his GPs. Any help was gratefully received, especially if they had him during the school holidays before I become a teacher, but it wasn't expected.

Lazypuppy · 04/10/2018 23:34

@Didiusfalco couldn't agree more, however on mumsnet i feel we are in the minority which i think is very sad 🙁

Didiusfalco · 04/10/2018 23:38

@Lazypuppy you’re absolutely right about mumsnet, but happily it’s not something I’ve observed in real life at least amongst people I know. The only ones who don’t get help it’s due to location or health not people being unwilling.

Blameanamechange · 04/10/2018 23:43

Theyre your children not hers. YABU. Sorry know thats not what you want to hear!

Bumbledop · 04/10/2018 23:46

I asked my parents if they would collect my dc from school one day a week and have the for about an hour and they said no. Like you dm they wanted to be flexible. They very kindly picked them up one day a week until a place became available at after school club, which was about 6 weeks. This enabled me to return to work.

I have to say I was disappointed that they didn’t want to spend time with their grandchildren, but I didn’t feel that they should be helping me out. I understood their reasons. They do the odd bit of babysitting for us when it is convenient for them, which we are very grateful for, but they just didn’t want to be tied to one day ever week. Like I said I was disappointed, but understood.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2018 23:51

It leaves me gobsmacked that some people believe their parents should avail themselves whenever said parents want "help." I love being a mother but I have already told my adult children that when and if they decide to have their own children, I DO NOT want to be a regular caregiver. I will undoubtedly adore any future grandchildren, but I do not want to be a regularly scheduled babysitter. I raised my family already. Now it's MY time.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 04/10/2018 23:58

Agree with Didius and I find some posters attitudes really strange. Of course Ops mum is not obliged to help and Op already knows they're her children and her responsibility ffs but it isn't unreasonable to wish a close family member would occasionally offer to help out or, if asked with plenty of notice, agree to the odd school pick up for example.

Obviously Ops mum can do whatever the hell she like, there's no should or shouldn't about it. It's knowing that she doesn't really care enough to want to help while at the same time feeling entitled to"pop in" as and when she likes irrespective of whether that suits Op.

moredoll · 05/10/2018 00:00

Does she really understand how much it would help if she could pick up the slack occasionally? It really strengthens the relationship between GPs and DCs.

Lalliella · 05/10/2018 00:05

Why should she help? You’re an adult, manage your own life, why do you need mummy to help you out? YABVU and entitled. In answer to your title line: “No”.

timeisnotaline · 05/10/2018 00:08

The op said quite clearly that she DOES let her dm have the children sometimes on a weekend when she asks. Not all the time of course but she wants to see her dc too!
So, dm is young and healthy, benefited hugely from her Mum helping when she had young children, pops around whenever she wants (not to help),does get the dc for a weekend sometimes when asked, dh helps with her with things around the house.... I’d be pissed off too. YANBU op. If her popping around doesn’t suit you I’d cut it ba massively . Mum, you can’t arrange to come around with 6 weeks notice to give us a hand, it feels a bit rough given you can turn up with zero notice twice a week. Can you please call beforehand and I’ll let you know if it works for us?

choli · 05/10/2018 00:13

By the way OP how.much does your father help?

ReanimatedSGB · 05/10/2018 00:20

People who won't ever help when asked are selfish (unless they have a job which requires them to be on call all the time, or their physical/mental health isn't up to it). OP's mother will look after the DC and have them to stay for a weekend when she chooses, but won't agree to anything all all that OP asks for. This is manipulative, controlling behaviour, and quite unhealthy.

nanny2012nanny · 05/10/2018 00:27

Once a week is still a big commitment for anyone, relation or not.

BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 05/10/2018 00:27

I find it odd when grandparents dont help out even to have a chance to spend time with their grandchildren.

They shouldn't be surprised when they get older and need help that their kids don't fall over each other to help out.