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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
choli · 08/10/2018 18:20

That is a very good point NoNewsisGood - relying on GMs to deal with childcare is simply perpetuating the view that it is a womens' issue rather than a PARENTS issue.

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2018 18:29

I'm late to this comment: but these baby boomers have form for wanting to ‘cherry-pick’ the bits of family interactions they want. And most of them had parents who couldn’t do enough to help them back in the day. I call it hypocritical, selfish and seriously deluded. Something tells me they are going to find old age as lonely (and expensive) as we are finding child-rearing years. That’s not a threat, it’ll just happen as an inevitability. By all means, DMs, suit yourselves and keep your schedules as flexible and autonomous as you like. Just be very sure you enjoy it so much all the way to the end.

Just fuck off.

As a 'baby boomer' I think I do more than my fair share (as do a number of my friends) and we had no help (nor did those friends) as our mothers were either dead or too far away or feckless, bordering on abusive. I'd love the chance to 'cherry pick' but my children have to work and I am doing my best to help them as childcare is too expensive.

Enough with the sweeping generalisations. Although I bet most of you won't be helping with your DGC as you'll still have to be in work yourselves.

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2018 18:31

I also hate this - we won't look after you in your dotage because you didn't help us with childcare.

Is that really the attitude?

PollyFlinderz · 08/10/2018 18:43

Is that really the attitude

So much of what I read on these threads has me scratching my head and wondering what I’m reading. Some of the arguements either way are just bloody bonkers.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 18:46

we won't look after you in your dotage because you didn't help us with childcare

Unlike entitled prats like you, I don't expect anyone to feel obligated to help me.
I was born in the 50s. My parents and in laws never looked after my children...ever...not even one babysitting evening!
I never expected them to. I didn't hate them for that.
I have looked after my grandchildren on many many occasions.
I don't think it should be expected.
I wouldn't expect my children to care for me in old age either.

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 18:50

Nanny - or is it we won't try really, really hard and knock our pan out above and beyond we will be Disney too.

My parents helped an awful lot and I am helping them a massive amount now and have been for 10 years, I expect to do another 10 years. My now adult DC are also helping them a massive amount and we all take turns to stay over.

My adult sons took it in turns to stay through the night at my father's hospital bedside so that he was never alone for a second when he had a recent stay. My parents' love and kindness has come back to them in having two adults who care very deeply about them and phone them for a chat almost daily.

My DC don't have to, they could turn up for tea and cake on Sundays and have a chat. Equally my parents could have turned up on Sundays for tea and cake and petted the GCs.

A nicer world surely where family put themselves out for your wellbeing?

user1457017537 · 08/10/2018 20:19

Why shouldn’t Gottagetmoving be paid by her DS and DiL if she is struggling, even if she’s not struggling. She is enabling their earning and lifestyle and should be rewarded. They may be her DG but they are the daughter-in-law and DS’s DC let them find an alternative for child care.

beclev24 · 08/10/2018 20:27

I always find these threads astonishing. Of course it's possible for adult children to take the piss in expecting way too much help from grandparents, but really, this idea that grandparents have "done their stint" and should never help their adult children again is really so unpleasant. Families help each other. I expect to help my mum when she needs it and I 'expect' that she will help me when I need it, because we love each other, we are a family, and families help each other out. The idea that a grandparent in good health, with lots of free time, who lives locally would choose never to help out with their own grandchildren is really sad, IMO. She is also missing out. I can't imagine feeling this way when my DC have kids.

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 20:29

She should be paid, they should not like to see her struggle when they are better off than her and she is helping them to have an even greater imbalance in income.

Snog · 08/10/2018 20:30

Gottagetmoving if you can't afford to look after your GC because you need to get paid work it is up to you to tell your son and not to carry on in poverty and feeling put upon. I'm sure your son would not want this.

choli · 08/10/2018 20:33

Snog
She did tell her son but apparently his pocket and convenience comes first.

Biibywiiby · 08/10/2018 20:49

beclev24.. Exactly. Halo

Biibywiiby · 08/10/2018 20:50

SNOG ditto. Halo

Snog · 08/10/2018 20:51

I think it is normal and natural to support those you love who are struggling in life.
My FIL made no attempt to do this for myself, DH and my dd (despite having plenty of time, money and fitness) so I feel disinclined to help him in the future. He has zero interest in my dd and she has zero relationship with him. He has never asked us to help him out in fairness to him. MIL died a year ago, she did not even ask to see my 18 year old dd, who is her only GC, to say goodbye before she died.

Dd felt cheated out of a relationship with them because she really values her relationship with her other grandparents but PIL simply didn't want to be involved in her life. They live 3 miles from our house.

Bizarrely MIL helped out at a toddler group at her church every week and also volunteered to help mums and babies in their homes via a church project as well "because she loves children". Just had no will to spend time with her only grandchild. So weird as dd was very quiet and well behaved as a child.

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 20:55

beclev I know it's like some strange revenge. There is a massive difference between raising your DCs children and lending a hand. If a GP is local, able and given plenty of notice why refuse? Where does it end? I've got a broken leg will you help me please? No, I didn't break my leg, you broke your leg, you deal with it.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 08/10/2018 21:00

Some of you need to remember that people still work in their 60s Being 60-something is no longer old age for most of us.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 21:03

if you can't afford to look after your GC because you need to get paid work it is up to you to tell your son and not to carry on in poverty and feeling put upon

I WANT to look after them, but I need a part time job, which is what i will need to do.
It just seems ridiculous that they will have to pay a fortune in childcare somewhere, when they could pay me a fraction of that and I wouldn't have to get a pat time job! ...and all because people think it's 'alarming' to pay a GM....or alarming a GM should take payment when that would solve everyone's problem!
No one seems to have any bloody logic....

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 21:14

gottaget You want to look after them and they will be happier with you and you will cost a fraction of professional childcare. I agree it is a stupid state of affairs. Everyone would benefit if they gave you enough for you not to need to think about a PT job.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 21:37

thighofrelief
Correct....and they really wouldn't have to pay me as much as a part time job would. I'm not trying to profit at their expense. Just a few quid makes a difference.

RoseJam · 08/10/2018 21:51

Crumble - I completely understand you. Raising kids and working is hard work and I would love for my DP to help out. But they don't - only in dire emergencies. The last time they helped was at my PIL funeral. They even called us later on in the day numerous times to check that we were coming back soon!

I know that my DC are not their responsibility but now my DC are all in their teens, it makes me sad that my DC don't have a close relationship with them and they don't really know each other at all. I also feel quite resentful as when I have really needed help, I feel I have to beg, and feel quite let down. In turn, I get angry when they ask me for help. I've started to say no, and step back now. I can't reconcile that if they have no time for me, then how can they expect me to make time for them? You reap what you sow as they say.

I really hope that when my DC have their own children I will be able to help out when they need. Prob not a regular formal basis, but enough to be able to take the children out and get to know them, and to be able to give my DC and their partners a break too! I used to be looked after a lot by my DGM, and I had a very close relationship with her for years.

It's a sad state of affairs that family is more about pleasing oneself rather than pitching in and helping when the going gets tough.

Sodavod · 08/10/2018 21:52

GOTTAGETMOVING. From reading this thread I really think you just need to tell your son/ daughter in law how it stands as it seems they're either taking the biscuit or just don't think you're actually that bothered?? Tell them you're thinking of looking for a part time job so they'd better look for childcare. call their bluff. Then theyl either have to pay extortionate fees from paid childcare ( which I doubt) or offer you something. Set up a standing order from them if they do so you always get your money. you just need to communicate I think. Write a letter maybe and give to your son so they can both read it and understand your feelings / concerns.

Gottagetmoving · 08/10/2018 21:57

Tell them you're thinking of looking for a part time job so they'd better look for childcare. call their bluff

Have told him...He doesn't think I will.
I'll help out until I get one.
He's in for a shock Grin

shirleyschmidt · 08/10/2018 22:08

Only read the first post but personally I think a grandparent, assuming they are in good health and don't have work or other big commitments, could be expected to help out sometimes. If she wants to see the kids and has the time then why not? It would annoy me if visits were only on my days off. All that means is there's an extra person to entertain when every so often she could kill 2 birds with one stone by having her quality time with them while you and DH enjoy a child-free bite to eat for an hour or something on your day off. Surely there's a middle ground between "shouldn't have to raise your kids" and literally never helping out!

thighofrelief · 08/10/2018 22:24

gottaget how about a bit of trickery? Tell them you won't able to do this day or that day as you have an interview. Just look a bit blank and say you told him you needed a job. Also think of a figure that would make you feel valued and life more pleasant for you financially. When son asks you to not look for a job just say - would love to but struggling and need to earn £x pcm. If he says - we can't pay you, you are GM. Just say - I understand, that's why i have an interview, it's a shame cos i only need £x pcm and me and dgc would be happier but oh well.

wantingjustice · 08/10/2018 22:35

Sorry to other posters, but I think your DM is the one being unreasonable. One school pick up a week if she lives locally is nothing - she's selfish. My DM and DMIL refused to help on a regular basis when my children were young (neither of them worked and both lived locally) and then when they got older and more frail were extremely demanding of our time and attention. It's selfish.

You say she pops round whenever it suits her with no prior notice, but won't help you out. Fine - she has no obligation to help with regular childcare (though I think many GPs would these days), but if it was me I'd have a word with her to say that you're very busy - working/childcare /housework etc - and that you'd prefer it if she didn't just pop round, but phoned you first to arrange a time to come round that is convenient. People can't have things all their own way.