Should my DM be doing more?

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I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

I’m tired, frustrated and fed up and miss having a parent I can rely on.

I remember feeling exactly this. My life became so much better when I just stopped having any expectation of my mother and we started to prioritise her as low as she did us. That went on for a while. We no longer have any contact as she just became a person I couldn't be around. We are very lucky in that my partners parents are very much in ours and our children's lives. My mum really has missed out but that's not our problem.

They are your children. You're fed up and exhausted? Welcome to parenthood! You procreated, they are your responsibility. It is unbelievably unreasonable that your dh expects your mum to help but it's perfectly acceptable for his parents to do nothing. Even if she doesn't do much with her time, it is her time to not do much with. I hate this lazy entitled attitude from people who have kids and then expect their parents to provide free childcare. If you're not willing to look after your own kids, don't have them. It really is that simple

Bumblebee I hadn’t thought of it like that but actually DH does help my DM out. It’s not regular but he helps with cleaning the gutters, heavy lifting, odd jobs around the house so actually that probably makes the situation worse!!

Nope, it’s totally up to your mum how much she wants to do. I very rarely have DGC as I still have early to mid teens at home who I have to organise my life around as it is and am still waiting for that time in my life when I can do and go exactly where I want without considering everyone else. I love my grandkids dearly but I’ve spent enough of my life up to now chasing toddlers and young kids.

Also, to add, this doesn't mean we don't make an effort for GPs on both sides, we do.

E.g. we had PIL (who don't live in the UK) to stay when i was six weeks post partuum. For myself i would have loved to say no to that visit, but they wanted / needed to meet their grandchild so i sucked it up, and cooked and hosted for them despite recovering from a c-section.

But we also say no, or say 'that doesn't work for us' and organise something else instead / later, to look after our own needs: we've seen a lot of PIL lately, more than usual, and have another trip to them booked in, they just asked to visit again soon: we have said no.

OP you have a husband you can rely on. If you are both at work, use childcare. If every 3 months or so childcare isnt an option then one of you take annual leave.

Take it in turn doing a whole day with the kids once a month at least so the other can gave a whole day off if responsibility if thats what you need.

Boredmum, you’ve exaggerated what I’ve said slightly there! I’m more than willing to look after my own children, I’m talking about helping out in the odd tricky situation but thanks for your input.

Another one of these???

What is it with all these people who think they're automatically entitled to help because they chose to have children?

You chose to have them, you look after them. Help, when it is offered, is a favour, not a right, even where family members are concerned.

As long as your DM is aware the same rules will apply when she needs help.

She won't help you - fine. If in a few years times when she is older she understands you can refuse to help her. Will it be ok for the OP's DH to refuse to help when DM is older?

No one has to help anyone, but it is a kind thing to do and builds up relationships so you want to help when it's your turn. If all that is built up is resentment you might end up wishing you had put yourself out more when you could.

Actually I think we now live in an era where we are much less close as communities BECAUSE people are less willing to help family out.

Distance can be a problem as we live further away, but that's generally not the issue you see discussed here.

Your children aren't suddenly off your hands once they move out, they are still your children and you are supposed to love them.

Just as children are supposed to love their parents and want to help them when they are older and need it.

Obviously some family relationships are awful, and I'm not talking about those.

But I'd be disappointed if my mum didn't want to help me when we were struggling. It would feel uncaring and like we didn't have the relationship I thought we did.

I don't mean full time childcare, that's a huge and long term commitment, but to not want to help out on the odd occasion to enable your daughter to go to work, that's a bit harsh.

My parents are moving closer to me and I suspect part of the reason is because my husband and I are the most likely to help them when they need it (plus we had our kids first and so they are likely to be more independent by the time they need help).

Another one of these???

Sigh ! Another one of those threads where mumsnet seems like some parallel universe where family shouldn't help each other out.

I presuming that all the “you had the children, it’s your responsibility and GP don’t have to do anything to help out” would therefore also agree that when said GP become frail or infirmed the same applies? You didn’t chose to be born to her and so wehwn she needs help as she gets older (which is likely to be when your children are older and therefore need less care) you will have “done your time being a carer” and tell her that she needs to be entirely self reliant. Just as you are having to be now. And stop DH from doing the little jobs etc.
I have no problem with people being selfish but huge problem with people being hypocrites!

What help have you actually asked her for? In your initial post you mention a school pick up once a week, and later on, once every three months.

When was the last time you asked her for help? What were you asking for? And what was her response?

God even in absolute emergencies (to quote above, you had no childcare, your ceiling had fallen in, your DH was working away, and you'd broken both your legs etc) I'd help a neighbour or loose acquintance as it's the decent thing to do. I'd be pissed off if my own mother didn't give enough of a shit about me or the kids to help under these circumstances

Yanbu OP. For your mum to get the kids from school 1 day a week would make a massive difference to you and your DH. She sounds totally bloody selfish! She’s got 6 other days to be free as a bird!

My mum has always been like this too OP.

I have never expected her to do a regular day for me (she’s firmly of the opinion that she’s done raising children & I don’t blame her!) but if I try and make plans, even weeks in advance she’ll say ‘oh, I’m not sure, I might be doing xyz that day’ and it frustrates the hell out of me because she has no plans but still won’t help out.

I live quite a solitary life with my DC (DP works away) and in all the time I’ve been on my own she has never even come over for dinner/a cuppa/asked if I’m ok.

It hurts to see everyone else’s DM helping out and getting involved when mine doesn’t seem to care at all.

Right, stepping away from the thread now and going to bed. I did choose to procreate, yes and I take pretty much full responsibility for my children. I love them and accept the exhaustion that comes with young ones. I don’t expect a regular commitment from DM, I’m just annoyed at the lack of occasional help and the fact that she only sees the children on her terms. Some people have been sympathetic, thank you, some people have made some good points, especially around DM and DHs relationship and I think addressing that may help. Good night mumsnet.

My DM has flown transatlantic to help her GC and me, at the drop of a hat. My MIL who lives close, loves to pick up the dc from school and chat with them while they do homework at her house. IMHO family should be able to lean on each other for help, thats what it is meant to be like (although I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have it)

YABU to expect her to help, but I don't understand parents who sit by and watch their children struggle and don't want to help. My mother had a hard time while we were young but now seems to relish seeing us struggle the same way. She's almost gleeful about it.

Same Vim. The irony is, my GP were always looking after us!

You can’t treat you parents as staff. You stated that she would love to have the DC for a weekend, but as you don’t need help then you won’t consider it. A bit of give and take and your DM might be more amenable to one day a week. It all seems so one sided nowadays

I don't think it is that unusual to be honest.

My mother never child minded her own grandkids once. She didnt offer and I never asked

Mind you, she doesn't particularly like children, nor is good with them, and having been brought up by her, wouldn't leave a child in her care anyway

Neither my parents of in laws helped us with our two. Bizarrely they helped with my childrens' cousins. MiL even used to babysit so my sis in law couldngo to the hairdressers. It's annoying. But that's that!
I think your DH is bu

I've 5 children. Aged 18 and 17 (14 months apart), then twins aged 12 and a 10 year old (18 months apart). I didn't work, although their dad always has.
I've never had any help from my mum. And their dad's mum isn't in the picture. I've struggled, cried, and felt like I was losing my shit.
We never had a night out as a couple, until my eldest was 17 and could babysit.
I realise it's not my mum's job to help me, but seeing how good other grand parents can be really upset me.
And now as a parent, of course I'll help when the grand kids come along. I look forward to it.
It's not their responsilbilty no. But I do think it's something that grand parents should do. Not all the time, but help out when needed.

I don't understand why GP's don't want to help. PILs have never offered and we've never asked and they don't have a close relationship with my two. I had a really close relationship with my grandad because he was always around. It's their choice, of course, but I don't get it. I'll be happy to help my DCs if/when they have children.