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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my DM be doing more?

372 replies

crumble82 · 04/10/2018 20:23

I know the title makes me sound entitled, please read before jumping down my throat!

So my DM is in her early 60’s, in good health and lives locally. She loves her 2 grandchildren and often pops over to see them on my days off. However although we’ve asked her she doesn’t want to pick them up from school one afternoon a week as she likes to be flexible. Fine, I get that and I’m not pushing for it.

My DH gets really annoyed though, he reckons that most GM in her situation help out. Do they?

Visits are always on her terms, we get absolutely no help from her and I’m starting to get frustrated too, both from the lack of help and being stuck between her and DH.

Am I being unreasonable to expect a bit of help from her, or am I being as entitled as the thread heading sounds? I don’t really know why I’m asking as I’m not going to say anything and nothing is going to change but I feel like venting!

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 04/10/2018 21:12

I have 4 grandchildren and adore them. I consider myself to be very hands on, and help out whenever I can around work. I've done the school run a few times this week and had the children after school as DD was ill.

But I do admit to find it exhausting. And I'm in my late 40s, not my 60s. Perhaps your DM finds it a bit much??

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/10/2018 21:14

I can't imagine not wanting to help my children, no matter how old they are. If you feel that the relationship is one-sided then of course you will start to feel resentment. You will be told that you are entitled and selfish and all sorts of other things, but I think it's fair enough to think that your parents would want to help you if you needed support.

My mother has never helped me at all (although she gave up her job to look after my nephew). She shows no interest in my children and they can tell how little they mean to her. Now that they are a bit older she wants to see more of them because they are (mostly) old enough to be useful. They are having none of it and I won't force them.

My parents both had the opportunity to build a loving relationship with their grandchildren and they chose not to. I chose to not care about their needs as they get older and more frail.

Havaina · 04/10/2018 21:14

I don’t expect regular help, i pay for after school clubs and nursery so don’t need it but there are times when neither of those options are available and she doesn’t lift a finger sad

YANBU. She should help in emergencies.

Don't let her have the children the whole weekend if you don't want her to.

And don't forget this when she needs help.

My mum is getting older, I see her every other day and do a lot for her because she would do anything for her children and grandchildren.

cadburyegg · 04/10/2018 21:14

I was raised to believe that families help each other, so my mum helps out with my DC a lot, and I help her with whatever she needs, too. So I would struggle with your set up but presumably you were not raised that way.

Would she help in an emergency if you really needed her? My in laws refused to help once when i had to go to hospital in an emergency. I've never really forgiven them for it and i still feel resentful. I hope they don't expect me to do anything for them when they're old. You reap what you sow.

Belindabauer · 04/10/2018 21:15

I think she is being a bit mean.
I'd be tempted to tell her you are busy and it's not convenient for her just to pop in.
My ex mil was a bit like this. She moaned that we never asked her to babysit so I made a point of asking her. She then said that she didn't want to babysit on that day but wanted to baby sit on a Sunday, but we never left the dc on a Sunday!
She wasn't working on the day we did have plans.
I gave up.

Thatstheendofmytether · 04/10/2018 21:15

OP if you are exhausted why don't you take her offer of having the dgc for a weekend. You say she never helps out but she is offering.

LethalWhite · 04/10/2018 21:16

I would expect most grandprents to help out with their grandchildren if able, it's a normal, nice thing to do.

In the same vein, I would expect most adult children to help out with their frail elderly parents. Again, normal nice thing to do.

Neither group is obligated.

If she doesn;t want to help OP, so be it, but I certainly wouldn't be watering her plants for her when she goes on holiday, or taking her to doctors appointments/doing her shopping for her when she's older. If she wants to play the 'I don't have to do anything that doesn't suit me 100%' game, then play it with her.

imlateagain · 04/10/2018 21:17

I had this with my MIL, who moved continents so she could 'see her grandchildren grow up'. Announced on arrival that she had not come to be an unpaid babysitter, and indeed never babysat. I asked her once, when my childminder was unwell and she said no. I never asked her again and she never offered. She was, however, included in all family events - birthdays, Christmas, outings, Sunday lunch etc. When she became old and frail, I had to work part time so I could help her with housework, lifts, appointments etc. I did it, because I had a duty to, but God sometimes I felt bitter.

I hope if I'm ever lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be more helpful. It's not about it all being 'on their terms', it's about a bit of give and take, and love.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/10/2018 21:17

Also I thought studies showed that GP who have close relationships and look after grandkids regularly, live longer. It's in their own interests! Joke

Belindabauer · 04/10/2018 21:17

Oh my ex in laws refused to have the dc when my ex h was rushed into hospital too.
I
You do reap what you sow as my dc are not close to them and neither is their son.

zzzzz · 04/10/2018 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rtmhwales · 04/10/2018 21:18

Out of curiousty why are DH’s parents not an option? Live out of town/have passed away?

I don’t think he should be getting irritated with your mother if he can’t offer the same via his parents if you see what I mean?

BrightStarrySky · 04/10/2018 21:19

As others have said it’s her choice and uour OH needs to accept it.

I actually think that our society has become very unbalanced- parents are having to rely on free childcare from grandparents because living and childcare costs have become unmanageable. It’s not fair on anyone! I wonder what would happen to the economy if all the childcare providing grandparents wrnt on strike?!?

SoVeryOuting · 04/10/2018 21:19

In the same way that your DM has complete freedom to be involved or not on your DC's care, likewise you have the same freedom to be involved in her care in her later years. It works both ways.

Snog · 04/10/2018 21:20

My parents helped me a great deal with my dd and would drop everything in an emergency for us.
DH's parents live much closer - 3 miles away - and have never helped us at all. I do think it's weird not to want to help your kids out with their children.

Now DH's Dad is almost 80 and a widower, he has no relationship with my dd who is his only GC because he's never been interested in her. DH phones him about once every 3 weeks. We do not make much effort to help him out but actually he doesn't ask us to. The up side of parents being really unhelpful is that if you don't want to help them in later life you can be guilt free.

MrsApplepants · 04/10/2018 21:20

My PIL collect our DD from school one day a week, I’m grateful for that and it’s their choice however, if they chose not to, they simply wouldn’t see their granddaughter as DH and I work full time and have no wish to spend precious weekend time visiting parents. My parents live 250 miles away and see DD in school holidays only, when she stays with them for a few days or a week at a time. Again, I have better things to do than traipse around the country at weekends to see grandparents, they are retired and have the time, they can fit in with me.

Amdoingit · 04/10/2018 21:20

I’m going against the majority here. I think if you’re needing a hand occasionally & she won’t help but then feels free to pop in any time with barely any notice , then that is a bit shitty actually.

HSMMaCM · 04/10/2018 21:22

DH's mother told me the day she found out I was pregnant, that she'd had her children and although she was happy to see her grandchildren, she had no intention of doing any parenting on our behalf. If we went round at a mealtime, we cooked. DD has fond memories of her grandmother just loving her. She didn't need to do any of the boring stuff.

ShannonRockallMalin · 04/10/2018 21:22

I’ve experienced both types of grandparents. My mum is amazing, she had always said she would help with childcare before I even had kids, and I would not have been able to go back to work without her willingly given help. I try not to take the piss though as I know she has a busy life too and I try to pay it back a bit by dog sitting for her when she’s on holiday.

My in laws however are more likely to invite themselves over for dinner at inconvenient times, but are always doing something hugely important like going to the dentist if we ever (very rarely) asked for help with school pick ups etc.

I think it’s just completely different expectations of what their roles as grandparents are, and I am lucky that my mum is so helpful.

SoVeryOuting · 04/10/2018 21:22

X-post Snog Smile.

Original poster
crumble82 · 04/10/2018 21:23

My DM would definitely help in a medical type emergency. She adores the girls and she and I have a good relationship and that’s why I find it so frustrating that she just won’t help on occasion and with plenty of notice.

To answer earlier questions and comments, I don’t expect her to change plans at short notice, I don’t expect a regular commitment, she doesn’t work or do much with her time and DHs parents are too old and live too far away to help.

OP posts:
chaoscategorised · 04/10/2018 21:25

I think you're being VU. "She doesn't lift a finger" - why on earth should she? Even in absolute emergencies (you had no childcare, your ceiling had fallen in, your DH was working away, and you'd broken both your legs etc) she is under no obligation whatsoever to help you out with the children you decided to have - yes, it would be lovely, and lots of people do have family who help, but the fact they you're annoyed at her for not doing makes you a bit presumptuous (to put it mildly).

mrs40 · 04/10/2018 21:27

I'd find it odd if my parents didn't help out. I'd feel a bit hurt that they didn't want to be more involved or give me a break now and again. Your mum seems to have made her position clear though so your DH will just have to live with it and putting you in the middle isn't fair.

Jeippinghmip · 04/10/2018 21:28

It’s entirely up to her. It’s her life her choice she’s not obligated to do anything.

Snog · 04/10/2018 21:28

Presumptuous to expect your parents to help you with their GC from time to time?
Really????

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