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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in Saying Cancer isn't a Battle That You Win or Lose

270 replies

NicePieceOfPlaid · 04/10/2018 08:23

I heard this morning that the mother of a young friend died over night. She'd had cancer for a while but had not responded to treatment.

Friend has posted a brief message on facebook to let friends know. Among the first messages is one saying that the person is sorry she lost her battle. Cancer isn't a fight or a battle. You can't buy a gun and shoot it.

Sometimes the treatment works and sometimes it doesn't. I had cancer and so far the treatment has worked for me. If it comes back I'm not going to blame myself for not fighting hard enough.

It's down to luck. If you die from cancer it wasn't because you were too weak to fight it. It really gives me the rage when it's talked of as a battle. I no longer give to charities who address it in that way.

Why make terminally ill people feel even worse by implying they haven't fought hard enough?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 08:24

YANBU

Rainbowturkey · 04/10/2018 08:26

YANBU, it makes it sound as if the person didn’t fight hard enough which is absolutely not right.

greendale17 · 04/10/2018 08:28

Seriously you really are reading way too much into it

Daysofpearlyspencer · 04/10/2018 08:29

So sorry about your friend, agree that the idea you can fight it gives me the rage. I have had cancer and was just lucky it didn't spread, all I had to do was have the treatment.. friends told me I was brave which I never really understood it's not like I volunteered to have it!

MissSingerbrains · 04/10/2018 08:29

YANBU, I hate that phrase

Original poster
NicePieceOfPlaid · 04/10/2018 08:29

Seriously, actually having cancer concentrates one's mind.

OP posts:
Uncreative · 04/10/2018 08:31

Both my parents died from cancer. That phrase has always pissed me off too. 💐

Angelicinnocent · 04/10/2018 08:32

YANBU but at the same time, it does help some people to think of it as a fight or a battle. My DF definitely saw it that way. He used to say he knew it would win the war but every battle he won gave him more time.

I think you are right that charities and other people should be careful of refering to it that way but patients can say what they want about their illness.

neamchimpsky · 04/10/2018 08:35

I remember this was something the late John Diamond hatred too. Equally, if it's something that works for some people who have cancer then I figure who am I to say anything? Yanbu if it's the way you feel, but for others living with cancer then they anbu if it's the way they want to think about it. So that's the fence well and truly sat on..

BonnesVacances · 04/10/2018 08:38

I disagree. I think going for chemo knowing you're going to feel as bad as you'll feel and having an unbeat positive attitude towards your illness is a fight and shows lots of courage. Saying someone battled means they did their best. I don't read that it means they didn't try hard enough.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/10/2018 08:38

YADNBU it pisses me right off. My Mum died of cancer last year, she wasn’t weak, or lazy, she didn’t “not fight”.

I think it infantilises people who are going through treatment too. Sadly, it’s not about winning or losing, it’s luck. That’s all.

I’m sorry about your friend’s Mum. I hate that bastard disease.

maxthemartian · 04/10/2018 08:39

I totally agree with you. Keep seeing an advert that says "Cancer will not survive humans. It's payback time". It's just nonsense. It's an illness not a sentient being!

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 08:40

Seriously, actually having cancer concentrates one's mind.

Really, how precisely does that work in babies and children, who also get cancer? What an ignorant generalisation Hmm.

WingsofXXSteel · 04/10/2018 08:40

Cancer is not fair.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 08:40

I think media are mostly quite careful to avoid this phrase now because of so much backlash, but that doesn’t stop other people using it. I hate it too- and like you I have plenty of experience! I am fighting bloody hard and will continue to do so but my cancer isn’t curable so at some point it will “win” (if we really have to think of it like that) and I don’t like the idea that it’s because I gave up or didn’t fight hard enough.

I mean it would be great if it did work like that though! Magic cancer guns all round.

Really sorry for your loss Flowers

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/10/2018 08:41

Magic cancer guns sound bloody brilliant!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 08:42

I think going for chemo knowing you're going to feel as bad as you'll feel and having an unbeat positive attitude towards your illness is a fight and shows lots of courage

The chemo isn’t even the millionth of it for me, but I am lucky with my side effects.

It’s fine to say that when someone is alive (if the patient thinks like that) but saying it after someone has died I find a bit odd

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 08:43

Magic cancer guns sound bloody brilliant!

I’ll check Amazon in case I missed any, and order a job lot to hand round Grin

Funnyface1 · 04/10/2018 08:44

I feel the same way. If a person doesn't know they have cancer until far on, it makes a difference as to their options. It's not about strength or weakness.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/10/2018 08:44

Namechangeforthiscancershit wouldn’t that be wonderful! In all seriousness I do hope one day they find treatments which are less brutal, and more effective.

Original poster
NicePieceOfPlaid · 04/10/2018 08:45

Really, how precisely does that work in babies and children, who also get cancer? What an ignorant generalisation

That was said in response to an earlier post using "seriously" in a way I found offensive. I should have thought that was obvious.

OP posts:
CoalTit · 04/10/2018 08:47

I felt the same way when that "Fuck you, cancer" campaign was all over the place a couple of years ago. It's our own cells we're talking about.

DidIMissSomething · 04/10/2018 08:48

I was talking to DH last night about that very thing - my dad has cancer and is struggling psychologically. DH is a Dr and says in his experience he finds the survivor label and the language of beating cancer can be really helpful to survivors coming to terms with life after cancer. I think it only works one way though - not helpful at all to think of losing the battle.
Sorry for your friends loss OP Flowers

BringMeTea · 04/10/2018 08:48

YADNBU. This trope needs stamping out.

Raspberry88 · 04/10/2018 08:48

YADNBU...I really hate it too.