AIBU in Saying Cancer isn't a Battle That You Win or Lose

[NicePieceOfPlaid]

I heard this morning that the mother of a young friend died over night. She'd had cancer for a while but had not responded to treatment.

Friend has posted a brief message on facebook to let friends know. Among the first messages is one saying that the person is sorry she lost her battle. Cancer isn't a fight or a battle. You can't buy a gun and shoot it.

Sometimes the treatment works and sometimes it doesn't. I had cancer and so far the treatment has worked for me. If it comes back I'm not going to blame myself for not fighting hard enough.

It's down to luck. If you die from cancer it wasn't because you were too weak to fight it. It really gives me the rage when it's talked of as a battle. I no longer give to charities who address it in that way.

Why make terminally ill people feel even worse by implying they haven't fought hard enough?

But this wasn’t about someone who was picturing their treatment like this. It was someone else (presumably and hopefully not someone with cancer herself) writing a message on someone’s Facebook wall after she had died.

I think it was the person's mum who had died. If using the term 'battle' helps her cope with the grief of losing her mum, then absolutely, she should use it. Why would anybody think she shouldn't. That terminology doesn't work for the op, I get that and understand why it upsets her to see it. That attitude does help lots of people though.

Yanbu- I think talking in this way implies the person had a choice, and chose not to fight. Some of the radio ads in recent years have been very aggressive, in terms of language used, and I have personally found them quite offensive to those people I know have died from cancer.

YANBU OP. Whilst I get that cancer charities are trying to raise money for treatment and research, much of the terminology in general use is frankly stupid and sometimes offensive. Attention grabbing media sound bites do fuck all to help patients.

Stand Up To Cancer! Really? I thought I'd just lie down and let it kill me...
You're so brave! No I'm not. I didn't choose this and I hate it. Don't patronise me.

I could go on...

My beloved mother in law has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. I am in bits.
There will be no cure, she won't get better.
But I suppose she is fighting it in that she is striving to enjoy her time left and have as much quality life with us all as she can. Despite being sore and scared etc.
There is so much cancer. I hate it. If it was a war I'd gather the most elite army and weapons and annihilate it forever.

I'm sorry OP . Susan Sontag wrote very perceptively about this in a book called Illness as Metaphor, in which she challenges the victim-blaming in the language often used to describe diseases and those who suffer from them. You may be interested to read it.

I also hate the "stand up to cancer message". My mum had AML (leukaemia) 12 years ago. There was no standing up and fighting. It was a race after every set of chemo to see if her white blood cells would come back before all the infections she had developed killed her. She lay < 6 stone in weight in a bed and waited to see if she would die or not that day. Yes there was a struggle with recovery once she had completed chemo but during chemo she could do nothing to impact the outcome. Id have been raging if anyone said she "lost her fight". She didn't lose, she wasn't fighting, in the end she freely admits now that she was hoping to die just to get it over with.

You could say it is a battle fought between the doctors and the cancer

I think it was the person's mum who had died. If using the term 'battle' helps her cope with the grief of losing her mum, then absolutely, she should use it

Of course if it was the friend but I read it as a friend of the friend.

I have had cancer too.
It isn’t a battle to be won or lost. It isn’t a ‘journey’ either. These metaphors may help some people though if they believe the patient only has to ‘fight’ . I remember saying, “I don’t know how to fight in this context.” It is all about how early it is caught, how far it has spread and the response to treatment.
It isn’t pink and fluffy tied up with ribbons.
BUT whatever helps is fine by me.
I am lucky so far...

Just to clarify my friend was upset by the "lost her battle" remark, which prompted this post.

I agree OP. People said this after my dad died from glioblastoma multiforme - which nobody survives. I found it ridiculous, but I suppose it shows that it is just something people say at a time when it’s difficult to know what to say.

I think if you are giving condolences then absolutely you should be careful and not use this phrasing.

However, if a person with cancer chooses to see their treatment etc as a battle/fight I don't think they're in the wrong.

I think it is really important to take the lead from the cancer sufferer and their close family in the way they discuss it.

TwitterQueen - ‘Stand Up To Cancer’ is about everyone else. It’s about everyone standing up as a movement to raise money and actually, it’s amazing. 100% of the money raised around SU2C goes directly to research or to fund clinical trials. It’s pretty much direct action. It’s not telling people to be stronger..

Also, I’m not sure a lot of people know just how hard it is to raise money for charity... especially the levels of money needed for something like Cancer. The work they do is incredible.

Just to clarify my friend was upset by the "lost her battle" remark, which prompted this post I can’t imagine how she is feeling right now.

MaryPoppins let me repeat something I said earlier..... DON'T PATRONISE ME

The whole 'battle' thing fucks me right off.

Like you can just think away your cancer. And if you die, you didn't try hard enough. Fuck. Off.

However there is some evidence that people who are positive and 'flighty' in their mindset do feel less ill with symptoms though there is no difference in overall outcome.

TwitterQueen - how is that patronising you? You said something entirely inaccurate so I explained it to you.

I felt the same way when that "Fuck you, cancer"

I don't mind that one. I've said it myself a few times. I said it many times when recovering from surgery and my rounds of chemo.

In general, YANBU.

There are some people for whom the analogy of a battle works. There are many for whom it does not, especially if they do not survive and know they're not going to.

My mum died of bowel cancer - she didn't have a battle with it, it just took her. Her "fighting" would have made fuck-all difference - it had gone to her liver and she was terminal by the time they found it.

Whether the treatment works for you or not is mostly chance. Whether you survive or not is mostly chance. You can "fight" all you want and still die - or not, and survive.

I remember (different situation) that there was a guy, a writer, who used to write a piece in the Guardian, called Oscar Moore - PWA (person with AIDS). For him, it helped him to imagine his immune cells as little warriors fighting against the HIV virus. But in the end he still died - but not because he "didn't fight hard enough", but because he had a disease that kills.

It's the same with cancer. If it helps someone to imagine that their immune cells are warriors, fair play to them; but it does NOT help everyone, and some find it downright insulting, especially if they know they're not going to make it.

YANBU. It gives me the rage too. A lady I knew died of cancer two years ago. She was one of the strongest people I knew but when it came back, it came back with a vengeance and she was gone within 6 months of it returning. She didn't get the all clear the first time because she fought hard enough and died the second time because she wasn't fighting hard enough. It happened because cancer is a shit and it either responds to treatment or it doesn't and we don't really know why.

It is fully patronising bullshit. It’s not a war, it’s bloody cancer and it doesn’t care how determined you are to survive or not.

But the ‘war’ and the ‘battle’ aren’t about the individual. It’s about beating it as a whole. In the last 20 years survival rates have doubled, by 2034 they will again.

I’d never really thought of it like that op, but I defo agree with you. My best friends dad has recently been diagnosed with an aggressive form of bladder cancer. He’s mid-80’s and is far too frail to have any treatment unless the hospital feel that it would be beneficial. He also has dementia and doesn’t comprehend what’s going on around him so wouldn’t even know he was “battling” cancer. So I have to wonder now, whether the charities which use this terminology consider him “weak” for not being able to “battle” his cancer?

We knew from diagnosis that DH was going to die. It took nearly exactly a year. He suffered. He was immensely courageous. But he didn't fight or lose a fucking battle. He had a terminal illness.

That expression gives me the rage. All the slogans that talk about cancer as a metaphorical being piss me off too

Mind you, one cancer research ad upset me so much that I wrote to them. An actual letter. That was the one where people's dead relatives kept appearing in mirrors etc.

I'm happy with the battle analogy, it works for me. When I have my chemo I feel that we are fighting back. I don't think it's for anyone else to say how you choose to feel about your specific cancer. Oh and do fuck off with the 'many cancers are preventable' posts. Not helpful, and in my case not true, but it still gives me the fucking rage.