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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in Saying Cancer isn't a Battle That You Win or Lose

270 replies

NicePieceOfPlaid · 04/10/2018 08:23

I heard this morning that the mother of a young friend died over night. She'd had cancer for a while but had not responded to treatment.

Friend has posted a brief message on facebook to let friends know. Among the first messages is one saying that the person is sorry she lost her battle. Cancer isn't a fight or a battle. You can't buy a gun and shoot it.

Sometimes the treatment works and sometimes it doesn't. I had cancer and so far the treatment has worked for me. If it comes back I'm not going to blame myself for not fighting hard enough.

It's down to luck. If you die from cancer it wasn't because you were too weak to fight it. It really gives me the rage when it's talked of as a battle. I no longer give to charities who address it in that way.

Why make terminally ill people feel even worse by implying they haven't fought hard enough?

OP posts:
MaryPoppinsPenguins · 04/10/2018 22:14

But the word ‘struggle’ (as acurate as it may be!) doesn’t inspire people to give millions in the same way I imagine. Do you see?

‘Mary fought cancer’

Mary struggled with cancer’

I know it’s how the real people feel... but it’s not quite as media ready, if we’re honest.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 04/10/2018 22:20

YANBU.

I have incurable cancer. I’m not fighting it. I’m living with it.

When I’m gone it won’t be because I lost and cancer won.
I have an illness that’s killing me. It’s not fighting me.
My body has just gone wrong.

wannabestressfree · 04/10/2018 22:22

@AimlesslyPurposeful I am in exactly the same boat and feel exactly the same....

namechangedyetagain · 04/10/2018 22:22

My brother died aged 42 of brain cancer 6 weeks ago (GBM). He didn't stand a fucking chance no matter how hard he 'fought". In actual fact he had less than 3 weeks from biopsy confirmation until death.

He didn't even have a chance to fight no matter how much he wanted to live and carry on for his family. Because his cancer was so agressive and incurable that he wasn't given the option.

There are no winners or losers. Some people are lucky, some are not. We are not. We've lost. Lost everything. Our whole world.

iVampire · 04/10/2018 22:23

Which is more important, the catchy slogan or the actual people living with the condition?

Because it does seem as we should shut up and be grateful, and that’s really not right.

The shirt I shall be wearing at a running event shortly has the strap line ‘Running to beat blood cancer’.

So that’s one good, in-use alternative. And I’m sure plenty of others could be devised, if any of the bright young things in marketing were tasked to deliver them without using a much hated marmite phrase

Delatron · 04/10/2018 22:26

Having had cancer, I was lucky so far and I’m still here and I didn’t fight. I just did what the doctors told me. I hate the imagery and discussion around cancer. ‘She lost her battle with cancer’ So if she fought harder she would still be alive?

Bullshit. We need to change this. It’s insulting to all those who have died of cancer. They were unlucky.

Those who fool themselves that being healthy, exercising, not drinking, not smoking will protect you. It won’t. It may marginally reduce your risk but I look around me and unfortunately it’s the healthiest, vegetable eating, slim, active people that I know who have been diagnosed. Cancer doesn’t discriminate.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 04/10/2018 22:28

I hate this too. My son has CF and a lot of people call patients 'warriors' there's also a lot of 'look at X, kicking CF ass!' Whilst my son is 14, does 30+ treatments every day and yet he's not winning anything, he's laying next to me in a hospital bed on a ventilator ffs! Not because he's not fighting hard enough but because this shitty disease is shit.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 04/10/2018 22:29

KennDodd - “How would you like it to be described instead?
Can you think of any good fundraising slogans?”

What about “Half of us alive today will get cancer”
I find that statistic terrifying. Surely that’s enough to make most people want to donate to cancer research and other similar charities?

SkaTastic · 04/10/2018 22:29

Totally totally totally agree. It isn't about strength or weakness it is about luck. My Dad and my Mum in Law and my best friend didn't lose - they were dreadfully unlucky. And the strongest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 04/10/2018 22:30

I’m sorry wannabestressfree Flowers It’s shit isn’t it. x

Delatron · 04/10/2018 22:53

Yes, 50% of us will get cancer. Whether you die or not will be down to luck and not how hard you fought.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 04/10/2018 22:59

I don’t think that describing it as a battle is wrong. I can see your point about implying that someone hasn’t fought hard enough, and god knows they bloody fight can imply a win or lose situation but cancer IS a fight.
Research is a fight. Maybe it means positive thinking?
I know that sounds shite.
But I still see it as a fight

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 04/10/2018 23:00

Is it so awful to encourage people to kick it in the nuts?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 23:05

Is it so awful to encourage people to kick it in the nuts?

Yes in so far as you are encouraging something that is not possible and that makes people feel a bit shit.

If you have a cancer than can be cured and good luck you’ll get better. If you don’t (on either front) you won’t.

Encourage people to stay healthy, stay positive, live their best life around this whatever but not something that isn’t possible.

I am 34, my cancer was not caused by lifestyle, so far treatment has made me infertile, lost all manner of things I wanted for the present and future, and will before too long kill me. These are medical facts. I didn’t want to die in my mid thirties and I had plans and goals and a life, but the cancer is stronger than any of that and than any treatment that is available. So how would you like me to kick it in the nuts?

ThisIsTheNational · 04/10/2018 23:08

Yanbu

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 04/10/2018 23:14

Sorry if I sounded harshNamechange and I certainly wish you all the best.
I’ve had quite a lot of experience of various cancers involving me, my mum, my sister and some very close friends.
It was just the way we faced it, obviously not right for everyone.
Best wishes to you

Tailfeather · 04/10/2018 23:16

YANBU. I've had cancer too and I HATE this phrase.

Buggerbrexit · 04/10/2018 23:18

For me the only battle was between surgeons, oncologists and cancer. I was the theatre of war.

myrtleWilson · 04/10/2018 23:20

as far as I know bowelbabe doesn't subscribe to the "fight" mantra and her Fuck you Cancer is more about how you can still live a life with cancer (stage 4 cancer in her case) that brings you joy and fulfilment. Not that she is suggesting that being a stage four cancer patient is all lols and giggles. She and GirlvCancer and Rachael Bland's podcast explored some of these issues in a really enlightening engaging, smiling, laughing and tear inducing way - I'd recommend them.

myrtleWilson · 04/10/2018 23:21

buggerbrexit that was almost exactly the phrase my FIL used regarding his pancreatic cancer..

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 23:30

Thank you aintnothing I hope you and your loved ones all stay well, and I do know what you mean. If there was a way I could face this that ended up with me getting to see 40 I’d be all over it like a freaking rash!

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 04/10/2018 23:30

As opposed to a chemo rash Grin

springydaff · 04/10/2018 23:58

Haven't RT the entire FT, sorry. No patience with anything cancer-related, sadly!

It was a battle for me getting through the treatment. Fuck me it was hard. Just getting through every day was supremely hard.

Before cancer I didn't like the 'battle' thing. After cancer I do think it is apt for what I went through. Though my friend has just died of it and if fight was anything to do with her outcome she'd be bouncing with health. That girl fought on every possible front re diet etc.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 05/10/2018 00:00

See, I think that ‘50% of us will get cancer and it’s just luck if you survive it’ is total crap.

It’s Amazing if you survive it, not lucky. It’s amading if you survive it Because of the research and trials and money raised by the people fighting it on everyone’s behalf. And due to them, we’re heading for ‘25% of us will get it, as opposed to 50.”

So, I don’t really care how they phrase it.

Shmithecat · 05/10/2018 00:14

Yanbu OP. A close relative died of glioblastoma. When it was public knowledge, lots of people started with the 'you can beat this' nonsense. Well, no, you fucking can't. You can't prevent it and no matter how 'strong' you are or how hard you 'fight', you don't 'win'. He lasted 8 months. And the last 2, he was barely recognisable. May be he just didn't try hard enough... 🙄