AIBU in Saying Cancer isn't a Battle That You Win or Lose

[NicePieceOfPlaid]

I heard this morning that the mother of a young friend died over night. She'd had cancer for a while but had not responded to treatment.

Friend has posted a brief message on facebook to let friends know. Among the first messages is one saying that the person is sorry she lost her battle. Cancer isn't a fight or a battle. You can't buy a gun and shoot it.

Sometimes the treatment works and sometimes it doesn't. I had cancer and so far the treatment has worked for me. If it comes back I'm not going to blame myself for not fighting hard enough.

It's down to luck. If you die from cancer it wasn't because you were too weak to fight it. It really gives me the rage when it's talked of as a battle. I no longer give to charities who address it in that way.

Why make terminally ill people feel even worse by implying they haven't fought hard enough?

Before I retired I was clinical lead for a cancer charity. My own staff who actually worked with patients knew to never use the battle/fighting/beating crap. However, I constantly battled the idiots in our fundraising and marketing sections who invariably used this terminology. It was constant and I’m sure they thought I was a moany old cow but I didn’t care. I fucking hate the Macmillan ads too. But then I saw the reality of Macmillan behind their tv ads and I didn’t think much of Macmillan itself either.

YANBU. My dad died of cancer and it upsets me too.

You are very right. Xx

I won my battle to cancer. Everyone is different and choose the words that resonate with your way of thinking, view of life. For me it was fight all the way. And it works FOR ME.

YANU.
I know when I was having radiotherapy after surgery for Breast Cancer, I wasn't fighting it or battling cancer. I just had cancer and was taking the treatment and, thankfully, it was an early stage cancer. When I saw people at The Cancer Centre, plenty of people with various cancers commented that they hated being told to be positive. They were offended that it implied that if the cancer returned or metastasised or they didn't survive it, it would be their fault for not having been quite positive enough.

I dislike it when I read (normally in a newspaper) of someone who battled the illness or fought bravely. I'm not sure it is brave to step on the rollercoaster of treatment or whether it is just something you do and you get carried along from one treatment to the next.

What I do think is brave is when people accept their demise and decide not to continue with treatment, perhaps against the wishes of their family, when they are told they are terminally ill.

Is it brave that the person with cancer continues for as long as possible to be who they've always been always and still showing their humour and character when inside they may be feeling despondent or frightened? What about people who don't and decide to have a pity party (although in the circumstances you would forgive them for doing so). Are they not considered brave? Aren't they all just being themselves?

Cancer is a dreadful disease but, there are so many other diseases that are all horrific too. I'm not quite sure why that should stand out from the others.

What about having dementia? Is that any less horrific than cancer? To know you have a disease that will rob you of your memories, your memory of wonderful experiences in your life, how to tie your laces, your memory of where you live, your memory of family, your memory of how to swallow, your memory of how to breathe. Do we ever hear of these people battling the disease or losing the battle which they'd bravely born? They knew how their illness would unfold and that must be very hard to come to terms with.

Do we just distinguish the brave as those who manage to stay cheerful in spite of their illness?

@WalkiesPlease your mum was an awesome woman. I loved her no nonsense attitude and I remember her views on threads similar to this. I had a lot of respect for her and she will be remembered. sounds like she raised wonderful daughters.

Hidious phrase

YANBU. I think the same every time I hear that expression.

OP here.

Walkies, your mum was one feisty wench.

Thank you so much @DriftingLeaves and @Schuyler – I always love hearing about her xx

I feel this very keenly. Three of our friends have terminal cancer. They find chemo the hardest because they ring a bell to signal the end of chemo, but these three women will have palliative chemo and radiation until they die.

They find chemo the hardest because they ring a bell to signal the end of chemo

Oh I absolutely hate and detest this. Whoever thought it was a good idea should be shot. There are so many who will never get to ring the bell. I think it’s a cruel and crass thing and would have fought very hard against it had anyone tried to implement it where I worked.

@AlexaAmbidextra

I think it’s a positive idea for children but agree, I worry about the impact it has on the adults.

My mum died of Cancer and people saying " I beat Cancer" really pisses me off. You don't have a choice.

I think it’s a positive idea for children.

Not for some parents though whose child will never ring the bell.

AlexaAmbidextra — I’ve only ever seen families show exceptional sensitivity when their child rings the bell and they recognise many families don’t reach that point.

WalkiesPlease

Lovely to ‘meet’ you here. TQ was as awesome poster, so wise and so helpful especially to those living with or after cancer.

Much missed

Cancer isa horrible illness that has taken my mum my aunt my sister and now my wife is experiencing it. We are going through the worst time of our lives just now, but still enjoying small pleasures of life every day. It isn't a battle, all you can do is get on with each day as well as possible.

Up to you to decide for yourself. In know people who had it and considered themselves to be fighting against it, out their bodies to be. It’s a personal thing.

I agree op. I hate the implication that a person has somehow lost as this implies they could have trued harder. It is down to luck not strong will. Lots of strong, lovely people die from this god awful disease.