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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell OW to stay away at school?

229 replies

Sassyk · 01/10/2018 06:59

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

OP posts:
DeusEx · 01/10/2018 07:02

YANBU at all about asking OW to stay away! She doesn’t get to ‘play’ with your child. Very emotionally manipulative.

I think whether her child and yours have contact depends on how old they are?

MaisyPops · 01/10/2018 07:05

I understand your feelings towards this woman, but telling her to stay away because your children are friends and she allowed her child go give yours a birthday present is a bit much.

You've allowed your DP back into the fanily home, but want to prevent 2 children being friends? That can't be right. I wonder if you're maybe pushing more of your anger towards her than your DP because you've decided to take DP back.

YeTalkShiteHen · 01/10/2018 07:05

I think it would be hard to separate your DD and hers in school, and none of it is their fault so they shouldn’t bear the brunt.

She, however, needs to listen to what you’re saying with regards to your child and keep her distance.

What a mess.

AuntBeastie · 01/10/2018 07:06

YANBU - and it sounds to me like she’s trying to use your child to keep an open door to your DH. Tell her that she has to stay away and if she doesn’t you’ll be asking her employer to intervene to stop her from bothering you.

nicebitofquiche · 01/10/2018 07:06

Yanbu at all. She's a nasty bit of work if she doesn't understand why you feel like this.

Betsy86 · 01/10/2018 07:06

What a awkward situation i feel for you op and yes she really needs to back off from things like gifts etc.
Aslong as you dp is doing the same and avoiding contact with her not actively going out of his way to still be near her then yes she needs to back off and behave more professionally in her work environment also. X

AliceScarlett · 01/10/2018 07:07

YANBU at all. This woman sounds like a controlling nightmare. Stand your ground OP. If it was me I would have done much worse.

DrinkCoffeeASAP · 01/10/2018 07:07

Yadnbu
I would say op if you want to move forward I think it would be best to move house/school - I mean this with kindness as you’ve done nothing wrong so why should you have to be the one to do that?! But this it would give you the space from this woman she’s obviously not bothered by what’s happened if she’s telling everyone about it.
Stay strong

ItWentInMyEye · 01/10/2018 07:09

YANBU

LuluBellaBlue · 01/10/2018 07:10

I agree, if both the children want to play together in school time that’s fair enough and it’s not their fault but there’s no need to be buying you yes presents! Def manipulative. I’d be speaking to the Head about it. Sorry what a horrid situation Flowers

Alaaya · 01/10/2018 07:11

I think how you feel is not U, but I feel like acting on it might be, as it is essentially making two primary school age children part of this very adult situation. Your DD shouldn't be punished for her DF's actions which she kind of is being if you're saying she can't maintain her friendship anymore, plus can you imagine what the other kids at school will make of it if they all start talking about why your DD isn't allowed to certain parties etc. I just feel as if for the sake of your daughter, you may need to grit your teeth and rise above it.

Bunbunbunny · 01/10/2018 07:11

Wow that is an awful situation,
I’m surprised you haven’t changed schools or moved. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the OW and I would not be accepting gifts at all!

anotherangel2 · 01/10/2018 07:12

There is a lot of blame for the OW here. Your DH is the one who betrayed you - if you dont deal with that then you won’t be be giving your marriage the ‘best go’.

Cuttingthegrass · 01/10/2018 07:12

I agree about considering moving schools for your sanity.

Hope you are able to work it out and your relationship strengthens further as this is what you have decided.

Havaina · 01/10/2018 07:13

YANBU. She had no business giving your DD a present, it's basically a signal to you that she is still around and can cause you pain.

Have a word with the head. She is seriously unprofessional. Don't delete the text, show it to others head. Tell him your DD knows about the affair and OW's actions are causing upset in your family.

Havaina · 01/10/2018 07:14

*show it to the head

MaisyPops · 01/10/2018 07:14

Alaaya
I agree. OP isn't unreasonable to hate this woman.
But 2 children are friends, 2 children who go to school together and who didn't ask to be drawn into this.

Hellywelly10 · 01/10/2018 07:16

I dont think i could cope with the prospect of seeing her every day.

TeddybearBaby · 01/10/2018 07:16

Completely agree with you!! She did that on purpose. Nasty piece of work.

How old is your child/ren? Will they be bothered about staying away from this other child?

It didn’t sound to me that you’re blaming her more than him but you’re trying to move on and her being in your face isn’t helping you.

I really feel for you 💐

explodingkitten · 01/10/2018 07:16

I'd move and change schools. She's much to close by for comfort.

flumpybear · 01/10/2018 07:18

I'm with those who said about going to the head - she was unprofessional having an affair with a parent anyway (was she a teacher at your children's school then?) but she needs to back off your kids now - I wouldn't be keen on my kids going to that school but sometimes there's no option

cranberryx · 01/10/2018 07:18

She is trying to use her children to keep an open avenue to your DP or at the very least to make you feel like shite because he decided to stay with you instead of continuing an affair with her.

I would move and put the DCs in a new school.

You will never fully trust your DP again whilst she is still in your lives like this. Why should you be subjected to her pettiness? You've done nothing wrong!

Also, would keep a log of anything you deem inappropriate based on the affair (as school are aware of it) so if it escalates then you have a record of harassment. If it gets worse, then school will need to know.

AuntieStella · 01/10/2018 07:19

Are your respective DC actually friends? I wasn't clear if she had supplied the present because they are friends and her DD asked, or if she took the initiative.

If it's the former, then yes younare a bit stuck because limiting your DD's friendships isn't a good thing. But if it's the latter (and especially if they're not in the same class or even year group) then yes I wouid not want to see a new connection grow especially if it was at the expense of other friendships.

Don't answer OW when she tries to make demands on your family (whether she's right or wrong) or make comment in any way that's likely to get back to her.

tlmummy · 01/10/2018 07:19

Hugs op, this is an awful situation to be in. I don't know how much you can stop the kids being friends as they'll see each other at school and I'm not sure you should stop your child being friends with hers, as pp said, it's punishing your child for her father's actions. But I think it's completely fair to tell ow to stay away from your child! She has no reason to speak to her/give her gifts etc

Good luck with your relationship, I really hope you and dp can work through it

SoupDragon · 01/10/2018 07:19

There is a lot of blame for the OW here

Yes, about 50% of the blame. Anyone who knowingly has an affair with someone who is married is equally culpable and deserving of blame.

OP yanbu