To tell OW to stay away at school?

[Sassyk]

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

OP your DP needs to step up here, you should not have to be dealing with this. What is he actually doing to rebuild trust and rebuild your relationship. I hope that you have sat him down and told him how devastating this is for you and given examples of how this affects your life day to day.

I bet he doesn't want to deal with it - are you also afraid of him contacting her? One way of approaching this would be to get him to call her on speaker with you in the room so you can hear everything. He needs to tell her what is and what isn't acceptable and to back off. Do you think he would do this. Frankly you should not be having to deal with this, sounds like he doesn't give a toss about your feelings.

You need to move. It's not fair on you but it's the only way you'll be able to move on.

Book me/Morris

The OW didn’t just have a quick shag with the DP, he moved in with her, so she (and he) were breaking up OPs marriage. Teachers have a duty of care, which includes not breaking up their students’ families. There is also the weird manipulative present giving and then the angry text. The Head should know about such unprofessional behaviour, if only in case the strange manipulation continues. In a small village school, even if the deputy head knows, they may not have told the head, as sometimes Deputy head is just the person in charge of safeguarding if the Head is away.
Sorry you’re going through all this OP, you sound very strong!

OP had already said that she can’t move and shouldn’t have to!

The OP says the affair was before her children started at the school. Honestly, the only thing she could say to the deputy is that she's not happy with the mentoring. The deputy already knows about the affair, and there hasn't been a disciplinary. Because there is no case for one.

And that is still such a weird thing for the husband to have told his wife. Why would he do that? Because he must have known it was never going to make her feel better. (even if, which I agree is possible, the conversation never happened and the OW was making it up for the DH, why in the name of fuck would he tell his wife something like that?)

i would go in and explain to the head and ask for her to be kept away from your daughter as she is clearly got no boundaries. to be furious with you is ridiculous and i would be asking the school to help. You are the victim in this situation so i am sure they will help you.

also your OH should be sorting this. i dont care if he "doesnt want to". he should be ringing her, in front of you, telling her how he feels and asking her to go away and leave his family alone.

He said he'd made a mistake and you just took him back. Wheres your pride. I'd have said. Well I certainly ain't making one buy taking you back. You made your bed you can lie in it.
Yet you seem to be taking it out on OW DD by trying to stop your DD playing with her
What ever has gone on. It's certainly not that little girls fault

`breaking up families' isn't against any law or code of conduct. Its hard to accept but men themselves must uphold their marriage vows. No other agency has responsibility for making sure men don't cheat.

He said he'd made a mistake and you just took him back. Wheres your pride. I'd have said. Well I certainly ain't making one buy taking you back. You made your bed you can lie in it

You're a nasty one, aren't you?

I'm embarrassed for posters on this thread. The op is understandably irrational and upset, but people uninvolved in this actually want to see OW sacked?

No, but her actions since do seem to be harassing, which IS inappropriate in what is now simply a teacher/child relationship.

YANBU
I would have sent the present back, and said stay away from my DC.
You can't stop the kids being friends in school, and I wouldn't want to, but you can ask the parent to back off.
You can choose that there are NO after school playdates at their house or yours.
Your dc will get it, we have friends that they don't see outside of school, it isn't that unusual.

I agree about giving the school the heads up.

I didn’t enroll my daughter at the same school intentionally, I found out about the affair a week before the start of school. There was no way I could move her at that point, and from an excellent school.

OP, if her DD is ten, won't she be changing to senior school next year? Maybe OW will leave too? Can you stick it out another year?

I think you should tell the school. OW knows she's on sketchy ground ethically, which is why she's gone to the head first to get her version across. But her text, if disrespectful, definitely breaks the standards regarding building respectful relationships with parents. In teacher training we are taught that we're supposed to be as far beyond reproach as possible both in and out of school. It's called personal and professional standards in the teacher standards documents. On training courses they tell you to go through your social media profiles and check that there is nothing incriminating publically viewable. I can't believe the head wouldn't be interested. And gift giving can be a red flag for grooming--if this woman works in education she ought to know better.

Besides, even if they've nothing to pull her up on, they'd want to know anything that could impact upon the kids' wellbeing and behaviour so they can keep an eye on them and support them emotionally.

OP I would still tell the head if I were you. Unless you have spoken to the head or deputy about it yourself you don’t know what they’ve been told. I said to write a letter because the head will want to help you, but also protect their member of staff if possible. Writing a letter means you can take your time, do it with a clearer head and most importantly that you have a record of you raising it with the school just in case it escalates. I would also make sure your husband agrees with you and signs the letter too, it’s important to present a united front on this. Make sure you keep a record of whenever she has contact with your child and raise it each time until she gets the message (might seem petty, but she seems determined).
I would imagine writing in to the head would achieve 2 things:

• keeping the OW away from your child (obviously main goal)
• sending a clear message to the OW that she’s not wanted and needs to back off and leave your family alone

I wouldn’t expect her to be disciplined or sacked, but for the head to have a word and keep an eye out or possibly swap her schedules around so she doesn’t end up helping in your daughter’s class at any point. The head will likely not be bothered about the affair, but will be bothered by the present giving and reaction to you telling her to back off. It is that that is unprofessional.

I know it seems unfair on your child, but I agree with the posters who say no to play dates with the OW’s daughter. They can play in school, but that’s it. I’d go further than that though and start inviting other children from her class around that she plays with so that she starts forming stronger friendships with them, then she is likely to drop the other girl naturally in time. I also wouldn’t be allowing DP to take your daughter to any class parties alone and would certainly not be inviting her to your party when you have one. It might seem unfair to the children, but I think it is better than the alternative. The amount of stress it would put you under dealing with that cow would have an affect on your daughter anyway x

Sorry I didn’t realise the other girl was 10. Class parties not a problem then, but I’d definitely say no socialising with that family outside of school and encourage friendships with children in her own year through play dates etc.

The latest information is, even more, damming of your DP. He let you go ahead and enrol your children at the school where his mistress worked without coming clean about the affair. He is a spinless deceitful and evil man to have put your daughter and you in this situation.

DP wasn’t having the affair at the point where we selected schools.
Thanks for supportive responses (not so much for some but this is mumsnet!). I’ll probably leave it there.

TBH, I would seriously start looking at other schools. If you don't get good support from the Head, do you want to continue in this position.

If things do not work out and your DH does go back to her, it would be better if you had moved schools as you do not need this complicating a break up. There are lots of good schools around.

I think you need to at least involve the school and the HT.
The school needs to know of the very big risks of interference from her side.
Her dc should NOT be mentoring your dc anymore. I’m sure they can do some swap.
She shouldn’t be teaching your dc either unless absolutely necessary.
Once those boundaries are in place, I would ignore her completely.

And I wouod tell people. Other parents, the dc teacher, the HT etc... there is NO SHAME on our side. You are the injured party not the one who lied and I still trying to stir some shit up.

It's a bit tricky to go public about something so personal though isn't it? If your husband had cheated on you and you'd taken him back would you want everyone to know?

Firstly you need to tell the school management - it is VERY unlikely she has told them the truth of the situation.

however I would major on the fact that now the affair is "over" she is behaving inappropriately (the gift constitutes a contact to you outside the normal)

Is she actually your child's teacher? If so, perhaps you could ask for your child to be placed in another class?

It is annoying people are going on about you taking your husband back. That is your choice, and you asked about the OW, not about your choice to save your marriage. You are most definitely not unreasonable to want to tell her to stay away. The fact that she even thought it appropriate to give your child a gift says she has no shame, and then to be furious at you after? How dare she. You should tell her in text she is the slut and she has no right to be furious with you. YOU are the only one who gets to have anger here. You are the only one entitled to feel furious. I would tell her straight that she is to stay away from your daughter and your family and if she doesn't, you will get a restraining order against her (even if you don't intend to).
Sounds extreme, I know. But I have seen a similar scenario played out up close irl, and the OW can get obsessive and won't stop. Best you tell her straight away to stay away from your family and to not contact you or your family again or else you will report it to authorities. Going easy does not and will not help the situation, believe me. You have to really be firm and hostile and make sure she gets the message.

Don't question yourself you are absolutely in the right with the message the children are not the same age or even friends who would hang out. If and it's a big if of the children playing in school then they can leave it at the school gates.
A simple but firm response of I'm not entering a discussion with you the message is clear.
Don't then react to any others you may receive.

Am I reading this? A restraining order against a teacher who bought a kid a present? These replies are escalating in hysteria despite the op saying she and her DP aren't going to take it any further with the school.