Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell OW to stay away at school?

229 replies

Sassyk · 01/10/2018 06:59

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 01/10/2018 07:56

I can't believe what I'm reading. Complain to the head? About what? A woman allowing your husband to shag her and move in with her kids for a week? He's the bloody villain here, not the birthday present giver.

OP, you're obviously broken hearted at this betrayal but it's not rational to take this out on others. Why not just write a long letter, spewing out all your anger and hurt at her, then rip it up.

You know you can't take him back but expect her to disappear in a puff of smoke.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 01/10/2018 07:58

Difficult situation.

You should not think about changing schools- why should you uproot yourself because of these 2 people (your husband and this woman) Hold your head up high and mentally tell her to fuck off.

The present thing is hard. Totally agree that she's probably trying to get back in with your husband (what does he say about it btw?) but is it really on to tell someone who is the mother of one of your child's friends not to give them a present. On reflection, probably yes, it is on. But you shouldn't be having ANY contact with her whatsoever. Easiest way to get her out of your life? He tells her. That should sort her out. It will also put your mind at rest that he is no longer thinking about her.

I wouldn't go the HT route. IME a HT would only get involved in personal stuff if both people worked at the school. I am a deputy and tbh, at my school we would refuse to get involved in anything of the sort unless the teacher's work was compromised or there was massive and evident unprofessional behaviour. Your problem would (sorry) just have us saying "and? what do you expect us to do? deal with it outside of school, because it's not a school issue"

Be interesting to hear what your husband thinks about her and the gift etc.

MorrisZapp · 01/10/2018 07:58

Sorry, how exactly would a conversation with the school go? My husband shagged another woman and left me and my kids. He came back but can you sort her out please?

That's insane. This has nothing at all to do with her employers.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/10/2018 08:01

She has no business being "furious" with you and she should definitely back the fuck off.
Have a word with your DP about this - not that he should talk to her, because he absolutely shouldn't - he needs to understand that he has engineered this situation and that it's unacceptable, so if she tries to get him on side, he should tell her to do one.

Ignore her now - but if she sends another present, return it silently.

PillowOfSociety · 01/10/2018 08:04

There was a policy at our primary school against staff giving presents to children.

This woman sounds like a menace, narcissistic or something. The front of her, sending that reply to you! She has no idea how her behaviour looks in a professional context!

Kocduwp · 01/10/2018 08:05

I have boys but can tell you that an 9 year old wouldn't be remotely interested in hanging out with a 5 year old. She's manufacturing a friendship which is despicable because she us using her child as leverage to have an affair.

Original poster
Sassyk · 01/10/2018 08:06

Unfortunately the school management already know. We’ll certainly the deputy head as she told him. I am mortified but she told him when DP was living with her probably regretting that now.
DP says to just ignore it. He says he is so sorry to put me in this situation and he doesn’t want to speak/see her at all. But yes I can see it’s slightly hypocritical to allow him to move on but not her. I was but the present was a step too far and I was literally furious. I haven’t forgiven him yet but I’m on the road to, I’ll never forget what he did.
Thank you especially to those who have been through something similar situations. Knowing other relationships have survived has helped.

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 01/10/2018 08:12

OP your OH should be dealing with the present giving not you nor the children. He needs to tell the OW to back off, leave him alone, leave his family alone and to stop using her daughter to manipulate the situation.

If the children want to play together - and oddly enough some younger children want to play with older children - then absolutely none of the adults should get involved.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 01/10/2018 08:13

I just bet he wants you to ignore it.

Who do you mean when you say "we'll" call the deputy head? You, or him? How do you know that the deputy knows already? How odd. Is it a small school where everybody has time to join in the village gossip? Why would she tell the deputy about her private life?

fixingabrokenhesrt · 01/10/2018 08:17

What do you mean the older child is your younger ones mentor? Because tbh I think that changes things slightly if it's like a big sister assignment from the school- at my school all the older mentors gave their younger one a present for birthdays/Xmas

Chocolateandcarbs · 01/10/2018 08:18

You poor thing, what an awful situation. I hope that you and your partner are able to work things out. If it were me, I’d go and see the head because giving presents to your children is entirely unprofessional. I’d request that she treats your children as any other children in the school and say you will be contacting the governors if it happens again. Best of luck x.

BrisaOtonal · 01/10/2018 08:22

I would make an appointment with the head. Was the affair whilst she was working at the school? If so, even worse. I would tell the head of the affair if they don't already know and now say you are concerned about her and her DD around your daughter. With the history it is inappropriate that she is giving your DC a gift and getting a year 5 to give it to her (is she year 1). Children in those years are not friends, there is a massive difference.

Tell the head you are prepared to go to the governors over it if she is not warned off.

WRT the OW. Don't contact her, she will find out soon enough,

Kisskiss · 01/10/2018 08:23

YAnBU.
She needs to leave your family alone. Unless she’s a complete idiot, she is aware that giving the present will cause you feelings of distress, so she is a manipulative cow!

woolduvet · 01/10/2018 08:26

There a difference between a member of staff saying who she's dating and a parent making an appointment with the head as a member of staff is behaving unprofessionally.
I'd be asking for this mentoring arrangement to cease and that she has zero contact with your child.

Russell19 · 01/10/2018 08:27

She must have broken a school code of conduct here as a member of staff to have an affair with a parent is shocking. I work in a school and if I were to do that (never would) I'd be going through disciplinary procedures. Very unprofessional.

StatisticallyChallenged · 01/10/2018 08:29

If the girls were closer in age, in the same class etc then I'd have had a little more sympathy for still giving a present. But with a 4/5 year age gap this is a "friendship" that could have easily been allowed to drop. The present thing in those circumstances is manipulative as hell imo.

Goodadvice1980 · 01/10/2018 08:29

OP, this sounds like an awful situation 😥

Why is your “D”H not telling the OW to back off? I am struggling to understand why you took him back. You deserve better.

AjasLipstick · 01/10/2018 08:32

Do the school know about this? I'd fucking tell them in a formal letter and mention her stalkerish behaviour in sending your child a present.

Original poster
Sassyk · 01/10/2018 08:33

Sorry typ I meant ‘well’ not ‘we’ll’, deputy head already knows.
There were two presents, one from her ‘mentor/older child who looks out for younger one’ and another which I knew was from her with a card from her daughter. The gift was not insignificant and was related to the activity/hobby she teaches and my dc loves. I just knew she was involved which she admitted that she had bought the gift earlier for my dc. It’s such a mess and so humiliating that people know at the school including children.
I’d love my dp to deal with it but I think that’s what she wants!

OP posts:
Ffiffime · 01/10/2018 08:35

I’d go straight to the head.
It’s unprofessional.

She needs to stay away, the age gap means there is no need for the children to have any contact. And I would message her and tell her that any further contact from her will be seen as harassment and will be reported.

What an awful situation op. I hope you’re ok xx

Juells · 01/10/2018 08:35

I'd be asking for this mentoring arrangement to cease and that she has zero contact with your child.

Exactly. It's a way in for the OW.

BewareOfDragons · 01/10/2018 08:35

I'd contact the school and lay out the problem for them to deal with. I imagine they'd not be very impressed with her behaviour, frankly, for carrying on in an affair with a parent at the school .... and then doing things like this when the affair has been called out, ended, and the family is trying to reconcile. This will mess with a CHILD's head at the school, and it's just not on.

Tell the school where she works.

diddl · 01/10/2018 08:35

If you're so humiliated-give him his marching orders!

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 01/10/2018 08:38

Hmm. OK, so in that case, I think your husband should call the school (or even better put it in writing) that due to the personal reasons of which the deputy head is already aware, it is no longer appropriate for the woman's child to be acting as mentor to your own.

Thus, you keep your dignity, she realises that your husband is no longer interested in her, the school keeps an eye on her. Job done.

peasinpods12 · 01/10/2018 08:41

As others have said speak to the head and make sure that they know and ask them what they're going to do about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread