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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell OW to stay away at school?

229 replies

Sassyk · 01/10/2018 06:59

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 01/10/2018 07:20

I think I would consider moving DC to another school, and let the OW know this - and that the school would have to know why (if her behaviour continues).

It looks as though DH works at the same school as well, so he needs to start looking for another job if he wants to convince you of his good intentions. And hopefully the friendship between the 2 girls will just fade.

IABURQO · 01/10/2018 07:20

You can't stop the kids from being friends in school, but she was out of order to get a present. She is an adult and she is not the child's friend, so she doesn't need to get personally involved. It does seem like trying to remind your DP of her existence. What does your DP have to say about this and how much can you trust him now? At age 5, would you consider switching her school just to draw a line under this, how possible is it?

Maybe send a message like:
"We have asked you politely not to involve yourself with our child and we would like you to respect that. Please abide by that request."
Or ask the headteacher directly if they can intervene to get her to not involve herself with your DC at school as it's potentially confusing as well as being perceived as manipulative.

LilMy33 · 01/10/2018 07:22

YANBU that was definitely manipulative. And how dare she be angry with you?! Cheeky cow.

I honestly think that in order to move on successfully from this you’re going to need to move house and schools. It’s not fair but I think it’s your only option, whether you make it work with your partner long term after his betrayal or not.

Havaina · 01/10/2018 07:22

Just because OP has decided to give her H another chance doesn't mean that she has to do the same for OW.

And unfortunately her DD already knows about the affair so can probably understand why her mum doesn't want to be friends with OW.

Fine for DD and the OW's DD to be friends but not to the extent where OP has to have her in her home.

Iwantplaits · 01/10/2018 07:22

Move schools at least. You will drive yourself crazy if she's at thrir primary school for the next 7 yrs of your children's life.

And you may find it harder to move on with your DP if she's lurking in yoir daily life.

Veterinari · 01/10/2018 07:26

Why are you dealing with this OP? You husband needs to step up and assert some boundaries by telling this woman clearly to back off. If he can’t/won’t do that then I think you have serious problems.
At the moment it would appear to outsiders that he’s some sort of ‘prize’ you’re both trying to win. He needs to be less passive and protect his family unit. It’s the least he can do.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 01/10/2018 07:29

You hav every right to speak to the Head about your concerns. This woman, through her job, has regular access to your child and you have evidence to justify your concern that she may not treat your child with sufficient professional detatchment. She cannot misuse her role to access your family through your child and cause trouble. Please don’t deal with directly again. Just speak to the Head.

ToeToToe · 01/10/2018 07:29

Of course yanbu.

The fact that you are questioning this at all worries me - that this affair has ground you down so much that your self esteem has been badly affected.

I think you should speak to the Head as well. And block her number if you can.

MadisonMontgomery · 01/10/2018 07:31

If changing schools isn’t an option then I would go to the head. Oh and your DH needs to make it clear to her as well.

Original poster
Sassyk · 01/10/2018 07:32

Thanks everyone.

Just to be clear my dc is 5 so isn’t aware of the affair but knows Daddy left for a while but not who was involved. OW daughter is 9/10 and is aware and apparently has been told to only speak about it to family. The OW had bought the gift whilst the affair was going on and essentially gave it to her daughter and her friend (who is my dc’s mentor) to give to my dc. I realistically understand I can’t ask them not to be friends at school (tho friends with that age difference is a stretch). But I wanted to lash out and hurt OW in some small way to get her to understand the level of pain I had felt. I was always polite but I was so angry. Someone up thread said maybe I am misplacing my anger towards by DP at her. Absolutely I could be but I am also so angry with her for abusing my trust when I was paying her to teach an activity my dc love. And messaging my dp, having met me, chatted to me etc.
I rarely do the school run due to work and feeling so embarrassed but today I have to. With a ton of make up on to give me some confidence!

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 01/10/2018 07:34

YANBU. Not in any way.

I wouldn’t take a cheat back though.

Original poster
Sassyk · 01/10/2018 07:34

And I’ve thought about moving but financially it’s not an option. It’s an excellent school and one we were lucky to get dc into but it is something I’m considering.
Thanks for all the views

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 01/10/2018 07:37

I think you need to report her to the head. It’s inappropriate contact. A 9/10 year old and a 5 year old are not friends. I think it’s reasonable for you to ask for the ow contact with your daughter to be absolutely minimum. If she can ask someone else to deal with your daughter then she always should etc.

I also think with that age gap it’s unlikely that a lifelong friendship will form.

RoseAndRose · 01/10/2018 07:38

Friendship between a 9yo and a 5yo is very unlikely to be spontaneous.

YANBU

Alaaya · 01/10/2018 07:40

OK. I understand a bit more. I guess at least OW's DD will be leaving the school before your DD does. Sounds like such a difficult situation for you, OP. Good luck with the school run. Flowers

Shouldershrugger · 01/10/2018 07:40

I would go one further and complain to the school head. It's good that you are being civil. But ow has no shame or remorse. Your dc can make new friends. Don't talk to the ow, it'll drive her mad. Let her go off, she's only going to be embarrassing herself.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 01/10/2018 07:41

If the OW had explained that her daughter was upset that she no longer got to spend time with the ops daughter and really wanted to send her a present and she understood that this might be difficult under the circumstances and would the OP please pass the present along but understood if she couldn't... then maybe, just maybe... she might have the best interest of the children at heart. But from what the OP said... the OW is out of order in this case. Awkward as it will be, I think I would have a confidential word with the Head, stating that you are aware that the OW has shared the details of the affair with staff and you feel that her subsequent behaviour is inappropriate and having attempted to deal with it yourself, you are asking for help to allow this whole sorry mess to settle down.

fedup2017 · 01/10/2018 07:45

I have some insight into what youre going through.
5 years ago I found out husband had an affair with Dss nursery key worker who also had a child in my older sons class.

It was an awful time. Fwiw I told anyone who would listen what they'd done and he moved out straight away . I took child out of nursery straight away. I told headteacher as older child was 7 and was aware what was going on. I was worried about how he'd manage being in class with her daughter/ seeing the ow at school. I didn't speak to the ow at all. Parties were a bit tricky but friends rallied round and did pick ups etc. In the end ow left the school as didn't understand why she was being treated so badly by other parents. I cried with relief when I found out.

(On a side note DH and I are now back together. He had to work really hard - he addressed issues with his mental health and work and I put some boundaries in place. with hindsight our marriage is now better than ever- hard work to get here though)

Darkstar4855 · 01/10/2018 07:45

YANBU. She had no business giving your DD a present, it's basically a signal to you that she is still around and can cause you pain.

This. My partner’s ex did the same sort of thing, little actions that seemed innocent on the surface but were designed to try and unsettle me and make it seem like she still had some power/influence over things. We both ignored her and she gave up pretty quickly. I wasn’t the OW either as I didn’t even know him when they split up, she just couldn’t bear to see him happy with someone else.

YANBU to be upset but if you can’t move your kids to another school then I think your best course of action is to ignore her. She is probably still seething that your partner left her after living with her for a week - how embarassing for her, especially if she’d told people about it! Remind yourself of that when you see her and look smug and happy, treat her as insignificant and act supremely unbothered and she’ll be the one that ends up looking stupid.

fedup2017 · 01/10/2018 07:48

And I'd stop communicating with the OW. block her completely. She is probably loving the drama. Deal with her by ignoring her completely. It will drive her mad and you get to maintain a dignified silence.

Juells · 01/10/2018 07:49

MaisyPops Mon 01-Oct-18 07:05:02

I understand your feelings towards this woman, but telling her to stay away because your children are friends and she allowed her child go give yours a birthday present is a bit much.

Oh come on. Allowed her child give a birthday present? Don't you mean 'went and bought a birthday present and gave it to her child to pass on'? I've been on the receiving end of this wide-eyed-innocent fuckery, and there's absolutely nothing innocent about it. It's designed to get you to react and be the bad person. Even when I knew I was being manipulated I did react, because otherwise you're just a punchbag, smiling and nodding and being the bigger person while someone else fucks you over.

The birthday present tells me that she still intends to end your relationship, and insert herself.

cakecakecheese · 01/10/2018 07:54

It's bad enough that she passed along a gift but when told to stay away she should have remained silent, not messaged you. Have you still got the message? I'd show it to the headteacher. If she has to have any contact with your daughter it should be in a professional capacity only.

Gazelda · 01/10/2018 07:54

I think you have to speak with the school. Your DD's mentor has been involved in a very tricky family problem and neither child should be manipulated like this.
The OW should be reminded of professional and moral boundaries,

greenlynx · 01/10/2018 07:55

You are absolutely right. She should stay away and not to be involved with your child. It doesn’t matter who is messaging her : you or your DH about it, just block her straight after.
Talk to school about this. They need to consider this for mentoring scheme , possible library buddies, etc. There is a big enough age difference for children to be naturally separated at primary: different entrances, play and dining area, sitting separately at the assembly, often even toilets are separate for Ks1 and KS2. As she was doing activity would it be appropriate to complain to any sort of professional body?
Moving is good but it’s not easy. Keep strong. Flowers

diddl · 01/10/2018 07:56

So the girls aren't really friends? Sounds as if there was no need to give the present at all.

If it's a good school it would be a shame to move your daughter.

I think I would have words with the school as I'd now be worried about she might treat ypur daughter.

As ever, the "man" in this seems to be paying no/little price-just letting the shit fall where it may for supposed loved ones to avoid.