To tell OW to stay away at school?

[Sassyk]

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

I agree, if both the children want to play together in school time that’s fair enough and it’s not their fault but there’s no need to be buying you yes presents!

This

Sorry to keep asking this but those who think the op should speak to the head, can they say what this would consist of? I genuinely don't get it. Two adults had sex then a kid gave another kid a present.

What, exactly, do the school need to know?

Your partner needs to sort this out I think. This is the fallout of what happens when you shit where you eat basically. He has caused this. Shagging a school mum/member of staff and then leaving his partner and child for her before coming back, knowing full well the implications for everyone including his child when the shit hit the fan. And telling you essentially that if you ignore this woman (who works at your kids school and they’ve spent a lot of time with) then she will go away. I get that you’re still with him and you love him but he doesn’t deserve it.

@MorrisZapp that she met him in a professional capacity. Complete breech of trust and unbelievably unprofessional I’d have thought 🤷🏻‍♀️

I work in a school. I’m a counsellor. I’m not allowed to accept gifts and it would be completely unethical to give as well.

I hope you are making plans to move house and school. Find me a poster who has to see the OW every day who says she has healed from the trauma and has a happy marriage.

So sorry you have been let down like this by your husband.

The professional relationship that teachers have is with their pupils though. It's fine to date parents in fact if memory serves there are romcoms with this storyline.

The point here is that the shagee was married, which may be morally murky but really doesn't come under professional conduct. Its personal and private.

When I say he needs to deal with it: phone the school explain your daughter either needs to swap mentors or doesn’t need one at all and explain why. Return the gift to OW either directly or indirectly. Your daughter doesn’t need a present from her. Her father can replace it himself if it’s something she would really like. And then he needs to tell her to fuck off once and for all and to keep her 10 year old away from your 5 year old. And change his number. If OW still won’t fuck off and leave you alone then I’d involve the school.

And if indeed shagging a parent was a complaint relevant to the school, it would need to come from the victim ie the man she shagged unprofessionally.

Unless you are telling your dh not to give your child gifts, yes, YABU. the OW owes you less then your dh, yet you are stopping her from facilitating your & her daughter's friendship. Think ab out who exactly you are harming her...it's not the OW

It can be hard to forgive and affair, but I often it hypocritical of women who forgive their partner, and vilify the OW as if her partner was somehow lead astray or enticed.

If I had an affair with a man, then gave his DC a present and went loco when pulled up on it by his wife, I think people around me would tell me I was unhinged.

The head needs to know about this. I actually think she should be sacked. I also think your DH should be sacked from his role of DH for bringing all this Eastenders-Like drama into your life.

Organise a meeting with the HT for you, the OW and your DP to attend.
Your DP needs to sit in front of the 3 of you and explain the affair was 100% his fault, but it is 100% over now.
He loves you, wants nothing to do with the OW and as the OW has been attempting unwanted contact with your DD, you all need reassurance that it's going to stop.
You don't have to say anything except sit there. Your DP caused this problem and he needs to clean his own mess up for the sake of your relationship and your DD.
Personally I would never stay with a cheater, but you have made that decision and this is the absolute minimum he should do if he's truthful about wanting to save your relationship.

As OP said earlier, I think the OW wanted OPs DP to come forward and talk to her about this. It's another in for her.

I can't remember if you said that your DP works at the school with her? But I'd make sure pick ups and contact with the OW are off the table. It's a deal breaker.

If she is using her children's school relationships and the school activity to try and harass you or restart the affair, it is absolutely the responsibility of the school to put a stop to this and ensure she behaves in a professional manner.

MorrisZapp

Sorry to keep asking this but those who think the op should speak to the head, can they say what this would consist of? I genuinely don't get it. Two adults had sex then a kid gave another kid a present.

No, a kid didn't give another kid a present. The kid's mother went out and bought a present and gave it to the child and said "Give this present to my ex-lover's child". That's what actually happened, as opposed to the idea that a nine-year-old chose and paid for a present for a five-year-old. Some of us have been on the receiving end of this kind of imaginary child-friendships.

I don't know what's difficult to understand about 'speak to the head'. It's a serious conduct issue.

Also, this "OW owes you nothing or has done nothing to you" is total bullshit. I really wish there was some kind of law where you could sue the OW. That would make some women think twice before they shit on other women from a great height. Worse fate for the DH of course!

Why don't I go rob my neighbours car, or run over their cat because after all I owe them nothing right? Or maybe I won't, because I am a decent human being.

I'd be making a complaint along the line of her suitability to work with children - involving them in an affair with a teacher while being paid to teach their children etc.

A friendship between a 10 year old and a 5 year old is not usual either.

Your 5 year old is vulnerable and I would have serious doubts about this woman's ability to stay away and not do harm...this should be flagged on her working with child check (or whatever the UK equivalent is) -it may not come to anything but making a formal complaint to the school and whichever organisation checks teachers and OK's them to work with kids..then her file has been tagged and she knows you are serious.

For those saying it's no business of the school, I work in a corporate environment and we have defined codes of conduct around relationships with clients. This would be monitored very closely as it's unprofessional behaviour. I'd say the school should definitely be aware as it's an adult in a position of responsibility acting in a way which could be seen as getting the children involved to further her own agenda.

Not saying she is, but it's definitely questionable and unprofessional.

@MorrisZapp I haven’t got time to research teachers ethics right now tbh but cannot believe this behaviour wouldn’t be seen as unprofessional at best.

Op you sound amazing x

So he shagged someone else, you let him get away with and you’ve taken him back!

Yet you have an issue with dc that have done nothing wrong being friends , complete madness

The decision to have him back was not taken lightly at all and I know a lot of people irl are shocked and if I’m honestly slightly disappointed. But I have to give it another go, for my dc sake.
I definitely don’t want to tell anyone or speak to anyone about it further at the school. She has acted unprofessionally but as the Deputy already knows so they have probably decided it is none of their business.
But I guess the upshot is I’m not unreasonable but also need DP to feel some of this pain.
Her daughter is not the mentor but her daughters friend. If she had been I would’ve asked the school to reallocate.

I'm embarrassed for posters on this thread. The op is understandably irrational and upset, but people uninvolved in this actually want to see OW sacked?

The husband isn't a toy to be stolen. He's an adult who makes his own decisions. This thread is handmaid's tale stuff.

Yet you have an issue with dc that have done nothing wrong being friends , complete madness

You're amazingly naive. The five-year-old is being used, as is the ten-year-old - but at least the ten-year-old is her own. She shouldn't be involving children in her fucked-up games.

You need to move and change schools. Its your dp at fault as hes the one in a relationship. Sounds like its not over yet op

Sorry op, cross posted. Sounds like the school already know and your dh doesn't want to take it any further so that's that. I'm so sorry you're going through this.