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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell OW to stay away at school?

229 replies

Sassyk · 01/10/2018 06:59

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

OP posts:
MadMum101 · 01/10/2018 18:35

Her being furious at you, the cheated wife, for telling her to stay away, is telling that you may be entering bunny boiler territory.

Is she a single parent BTW?

therewillbetime · 01/10/2018 19:03

I am a deputy head. It is written into our code of conduct that no employee can bequeath any gifts upon a child in our school. It’s definitely worth seeing the headteacher.

lunar1 · 01/10/2018 19:09

9&5 year old children don't play together in schools. The OW is using her position to manipulate the situation and try and upset you and get a reaction from your husband.

Go to the head teacher, this woman shouldn't be having anything to do with your child.

LJdorothy · 01/10/2018 20:13

I honestly don't see what MN expect the HT to do in this very unpleasant situation. If the OW is teaching 'an activity' then the chances are she isn't even a qualified teacher and even if she is, she can have an affair with a parent if she likes. It isn't the school's business if it is happening away from school premises. As for the present giving, the present was handed over by the OW's child who is a mentor to the younger, so even if bought by the OW, it has not been given directly so that can't possibly be used against her. Otherwise teachers who have their own children in a school wouldn't be allowed to buy birthday presents for their kids' friends, which is ludicrous. It doesn't make any difference what her actual motive was, it isn't a disciplinary offence. The staff at the school must know what happened already and will be sympathetic I'm sure, but they cant actually interfere in the personal lives of adults, unless the children are at some kind of risk, and they aren't. If you want to stay in the same house and same school hold your head high. You have the moral high ground after all.

Honeyroar · 01/10/2018 20:22

There have been quite a few people who work in schools, including a deputy head just a couple of posts before you, who have explained why it should/could be mentioned to the head teacher. Plus the OW's child is not the mentor.

BlancheM · 01/10/2018 20:51

Is she a single parent btw?
Huh?

MissSusanSays · 01/10/2018 21:06

LJdorothy

OW is using her position in school and knowledge gained from her role in school to make inappropriate gestures towards OP’s child. That would be enough to sound alarm bells to any head. OW is showing signs of not understanding where her professional boundaries are.

The child I feel most for here is OW’s. Your mum brings home a man to your house to stay for a week and then he leaves and you find out they were together when you know that he is your friend’s dad and then your Mum asks you and your friend to pass presents on to this child for their birthday from her without their parents knowing. So now you know your mum had their dad living at your house and they were boyfriend and girlfriend and you know something the poor child who’s dad it was doesn’t. Totally confusing for the poor nine year old. School need to know so they can look out for the fall out of this woman’s stupid behaviour.

MaisyPops · 01/10/2018 22:08

lunar1
They did at my primary. Y5 and 6 students also took on buddy/mentor roles for reception and y1 pupils. There were lots of mixed aged clubs around the community and it was the norm to play out in groups with older and younger siblings.

The OP's not unreasonable to hate this woman's guts but I think some people are being OTT about a couple of kids being friends.

Imamouseduh · 01/10/2018 22:31

OP you don’t owe anyone here an explaination about why you chose to take him back. These things are intensely private and it will take years of hard work to get over it. I do agree that you need to think seriously about moving though. I can’t even imagine the pain of knowing you could run into OW at any time. You’ve put up with a lot, if I were you I would put my foot down about this and any future would be dependent on that happening. If he really wants to fix things you will find the money. Good luck to you Flowers

lunar1 · 02/10/2018 11:43

No school in their right mind would pair up these two children as buddies or mentor in these circumstances!

Russell19 · 02/10/2018 13:10

@lunar she didn't say they were paired up. She said the ow gave the present to her daughter who then gave it to the ops daughters mentor

lunar1 · 02/10/2018 13:22

Sorry, I was referring to the post from @MaisyPops.

PawneeParksDept · 02/10/2018 13:30

With the fact that your DC is a Year 1 child and hers Year 5 ish I'd go with the understanding the gift was a deliberate way of intruding into your home - yes.

I think you were well within your rights to tell her to stay away and if it persists I think you've got grounds to speak to the Head, as embarrassing as that would be.

I also think like PP you need to consider a school move.

PawneeParksDept · 02/10/2018 13:38

I think it IS a matter of Professional Conduct because the OW is clearly attempting to insert herself into the life of OPs DC post relationship ending and crossing the teacher/pupil line.

Plus the older child knows that the younger child's Daddy was her Mummy's boyfriend however briefly, and the younger doesn't

The only contact she should have with her is that which is in the remit of the activity.

Ninoo25 · 02/10/2018 14:08

OP what I hope happens most is that the OW is on Mumsnet and sees all these posts agreeing with you and being disgusted at her behaviour. Hopefully that will make her realise how awful she has been x

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/10/2018 14:22

Block the bitch. If she contacts you in future tell her if she does it again you’ll be going to the police.

I agree with PPs that your anger needs to be directed at your DH, he caused this. Your DH seems to be quite cosy in the background like nothing significant has happened, blithely telling you to just ‘ignore’ her. Does that not boil your piss? You say that ‘This thread isn’t about if I should’ve given it another go. It’s about trying to work out the best way with this situation.’ but the thing is they’re not unrelated issues - one caused the other like a domino effect. Your DH put you in this situation whether you liked it or not. Every moment you give this situation with the OW any headspace is a one he entirely thrust upon you/your family. It really is a red herring, it’s a waste of your time and energy (that you could have been using to enjoy life and have fun if it weren't for your DH) and distracting from the real issue of your DH’s infidelity.

I know you took him back but please realise that you always have the option to ask him to leave if you need space (would be interesting to see where he goes though) - this is obviously still very raw for you and because of who the OW is and the size of the community where you live is unsurprisingly so inescapably tangled. Has he even explained why it happened? Are you sure him coming back is the best thing for you and your DC? Do you feel assured it was a one off? That he’s doing all he can to attempt to mend some of the damage he caused? (I’m not expecting you to post about that on here and I’m sorry if I’m stating the obvious but he really has fucked you over on this so I’m not surprised if your focus is off) You’re angry, we get that, but really it’s anger at him - as it should be. I recommend checking out some of the threads in the Relationships board and even starting one there, I’ve learnt so much and gained confidence about asserting my personal boundaries from there myself. I’m so sorry he’s done this to you Thanks

Beaverhausen · 02/10/2018 14:32

OP if the head of school is not prepared to act on this indiscretion then you need to make a formal complaint to the school board.

This woman seems like she is only going to cause more trouble.

AhYeahOkayThen · 02/10/2018 14:37

YANBU. Your partner and she both used your children as an excuse to meet up and hook up so the break needs to be clean all the way down. That includes the children. She and your partner are the ones who put the children in this position in the first place.

MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 16:43

lunar1
I'm not saying school would pair them up knowing the situation.
It was just there's a lot of people saying 9s and 5 year olds aren't ever friends, can't really be friends.
It's not the norm to have best friends outaide of year groups, but it's not uncommon to have friends across years, especially in smaller schools/smaller communities where everyone knows everyone

Ninoo25 · 04/10/2018 15:55

Sassyk did you speak to school? Is everything ok now? X

honeyrider · 06/10/2018 01:48

She's been very unprofessional and should be reported to the principal.

Miggeldy · 06/10/2018 06:03

You must report this to the school principal and the board of governors. I'd be squawking about this woman from the rooftops to all and sundry at school.
I'd sling the DH for good and divorce him, but that's just me.

MyOtherProfile · 06/10/2018 06:16

Hope you're ok OP. Did you speak to the head? I would just to ask for an eye to be kept on the strange relationship between the two children apart from anything else.

Daphne65 · 06/10/2018 06:29

I was in a similar situation but my DP affair was with a mutual friend who was mum of my DS then aged 5. They used the children to see each other etc. I like you initially gave it another try with DP and at firts this worked. Be very very cautious about believing what your DP is telling you. Protect yourself and build up a life that does not revolve around him. After 1 year of building our relationship including counselling, it transpired he was still seeing her. This was whilst telling me and everyone else (including the counsellor) how much he regretted it and that he had nothing but distain for the OW. In reality they were still at it and this was just a front. The unfaithful partner is unlikely to tell you the truth as they want their cake and eat it..... They don't want to lose their Nice home, kids, wife who they enjoy spending time with etc. Try not to invest any more time on the OW focus on yourself and your kids.

Daphne65 · 06/10/2018 06:31

Sorry I mean the OW was mum of my DS best friend