To tell OW to stay away at school?

[Sassyk]

My DP of twelve years had an affair with a activity teacher of my dc and furthermore she works at the school my dc have just started at. The level of betrayal was pretty awful (going out for late night ‘walks’ to her house, taking my dc there for playdayes etc) and was devastating. He actually moved in with her for about a week and then came home. Professing that he had made a massive mistake etc. We are trying again and hand on heart, we had some issues although I am by no means excusing it as he almost caused me to have a breakdown.
But that’s not really the problem. I’ve not been in touch with OW as I’ve had no need and quite honestly trying to forget it and work on how we heal. However we live a few streets apart and we’re likely to bump into each other. It was my dc birthday this last weekend and the OW gave her daughter and friend a present to give to my dc at school. I was devastated when my dc came home with this gift it seemed so manipulative (unfortunately they had started the affair whilst taking my dc to her house to play) and like it was trying to remind my dp of her existence. I sent her a polite but clear message to stay away from my dc including her daughter both of which are primary age. Her daughter knows about the affair which is mortifying as do the teaching staff at the school as Ow told them.
OW messaged me back essentially saying she was furious to be asked her to stay away from my dc. Now I’m questioning my demand (I didn’t demand tho) am I being unreasonable? I know they did a dreadful thing...they both did...but I’m giving my dp another chance so should I think it’s ok for her child to play with my dc and for her to play with my dc. I don’t want to have the constant reminder but I also don’t want to be unreasonable although part of me thinks I can be if I want to give our relationship the best chance.

I’d also move. With or without (if he says he doesn’t want to) dp.

I would want to move schools and house, perhaps consider a more permanent way to take her out of your life.

I agree that it is reasonable to ask her not to bother your family again and I don't like the passive aggressive gesture of the gift. Be wary that is creepy.

Move schools, your dd shouldn’t be part of ow spiteful love games.

I think this woman is using her DD's friend as an 'in' wuth your child and I would certainly ask for that to be stopped and your DC given a different mentor. Not sure what else you can do. And really, your DH should do that, it's his mess.

Another one here saying "move schools." It's the only way out of this nightmare situation.

And point a bit more of your anger in your DP's direction.

YANBU - how dare she try to push herself back in - she's obviously brazen as she told others at the school thinking her actions were acceptable, when they are obviously not. Anyone on here thinking you're in the wrong must be loopy. If your child loses a friend because of this, so be it - they will get over it. If they lose their dad because he is stupid yet again, they probably won't. Stick to your guns and do what's right by you and your family in the long run.

Get your DH to tell her to stay away. He slept with this woman, he's broken your relationship and potentially the stability of your child's schooling and home life. You should not be the one agonising over how to deal with his ex girlfriend.

Teachers standards say that teachers must “ maintain high standards of ethics and behaviour both within and outside school.”

I read it that the OW’s daughter is friends with OPs DD’s mentor, and they both passed it on. No need for this to happen, I absolutely think you should speak to the school about this and her response to your message.

Think you’ve been more than reasonable about this and are clearly NOT overly focusing on the OW, she is continuing to try to insert herself into your relationship.

Your husband is a fucking twat by the way. Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Yanbu

Your dc’s Can be friends in school but that doesn’t mean she has any right to be anything in your DCs life.
She is over stepping boundaries by sending presents.
You are perfectly within your rights to say no.

The OW in my case is godmother to my eldest as I was to hers.
I have had the kids to play as her mother is willing to be the intermediary, the eldest now have their own phones and can communicate with each other.
My kids don’t know what has happened but they haven’t really asked and know we aren’t friends anymore.
There are also issues of DV and EA in her house and I have told my children that it is my job to protect them so while the other kids are welcome to visit us, I would be failing as a parent if I allowed them to visit the ow house- and yes I have reported to SS.

You will be told that if you forgive your H you should forgive the OW, that it’s a double standard not to- hypocritical bollox. If she didn’t owe You anything (as OW defenders state) then you owe her nothing!
But she is using your child as a weapon and that need to be reported to the school.

Sorry to sound harsh OP, but why the hell do you need to give it another go “for your dc’s sake’?

Your DP has humilated you and there is a knock on affect for your child. Please have some self-esteem and kick his sorry arse down the road!

OP, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone re taking him back.

As for her - as pp have said, she has a "high standard of ethics and behaviour" in and out of school. The girls should be allowed to play together during school - it's not fair on them what their shitbag parents have done. But outside of school contact isn't going to improve your situation, or you trying to heal things and move on with your husband.

If needs be, save any messages from her. Go to the head/deputy head, notify them of their behaviour and ASK them to intervene for you as it's causing you severe distress.

Best move schools if you really want to try and make a go of things with your cheating husband. It's unfair of course, but situations like this will continue to make your efforts at reconciliation untenable.

The only route to getting the school involved in a more serious way would be for you and your husband to present, with solid proof, an official complaint that the woman who works at the school (not sure she is a teacher there, don't think the OP has said?) has a conflict of interest between her job and her personal life.

As the affair is (apparently) over, such an accusation wouldn't in all probability hold water.

There is nothing in writing anywhere that says "a teacher shall not fuck a parent". There is a woolly "bringing the school into disrepute, affecting the job". Teachers are entitled to private lives as much as anyone, and if that involves fucking a parent, as long as it's off the premises and doesn't affect that teacher's job, then there is nothing you can use to warrant any kind of disciplinary action. The only slight chance of the school getting involved (and even then it would be a quite word in her ear, would be about the present giving. You can't stop someone trying to give someone else a present, no matter the motives. The teacher would be told "do it off the premises and watch your back, better still, don't do it at all"

I'm still at a loss as to how the situation got to the point where the OW told the deputy she had had an affair with the OP's husband. That sounds to me like she was actually giving him full disclosure. How did the OP ever know about that? The husband told her? Why? The OP's children have only just started at the school that this woman works at, so presumably when the affair happened, the OP's husband wasn't even a "child's parent at the school". He was just a bloke who fucked her.

Businesses are different and set their own rules.

The one guaranteed way to get this woman out of the OP's life is for the husband to tell her to fuck off, that she stands no chance, that he is not interested.

*she has to maintain, not has a. Obviously :)

Thank you BookMe, thought I was going mad. There's just no case here for professional discipline.

Personally i think she is acting extremely unprofessionally and should be disciplined. The affair is one thing but antagonising you through your daughter is quite another. A quiet transfer to another school or something along those lines should be considered. It went to the goverenors when something similar happened at my children’s school. the teacher did get away with in the end but it was a close call and she is now not respected by the parents one jot. If she had any sense of decency she would leave.

Thank you for some of the messages of support (I wish mumsnet had a way of remembering who said what some of the messages have been lovely and supportive).
I didn’t give it another go just for dc but because I love him and I suppose believed him when he said it was a mistake. But he has not got off that easily, my friends and family have ensured of that. DP told me she had told deputy and his wife (it’s a village..) and his wife had said ‘I’m not surprised as you get on so well’. I was just heart broken at hearing this. OW told DP this no doubt to say how much they belonged together.
The affair lasted emotionally about 2/3 months and. Physically a couple of weeks to a month I guess

You’ve said that the school already know because she’s told them, but you don’t know what she has told them or the slant she’s put on it. She’s unlikely to have portrayed herself in a negative light. Whilst I agree that your husband is the one who has betrayed you this woman is still 50% to blame and moreover her actions make her seem a bit predatory and like she might not be content that her relationship with your husband is over.
In an ideal world I would say move house and school. Even though it’s not your or your children’s fault, I think that would probably give you most peace of mind and if your child is only 5 now would be the time to do it before they grow older and develop stronger ties to the school. I recognise this is probably not an option for you though. In which case what I would suggest is writing a letter to the headteacher of your daughter’s school. Try your best to be unemotional and negative towards the OW, but state what happened and that she is now approaching your child with gifts (via her daughter) and has reacted badly when you’ve asked her to stay away. Explain that you would like the head to intervene before it causes any problems as you would not want to have to escalate this to a complaint. I would also point out in your letter that the OW told her daughter about the affair, as again I’m sure she won’t have portrayed herself in a negative light when she’s done this and she who knows what she’s said and what will be repeated to your daughter?! I know it’s hard, but I think you need to be proactive in this as it will stop it escalating further, but in all seriousness I would consider changing schools at least.

You're superwoman if you can truly heal in these circumstances.

Sorry I meant try not to be negative about the OW in the letter to school.

Sassy I wish you all the best, and I hope you are making the right decision. But try to set your love for him on one side for the moment while you ask yourself some important questions: Is he genuinely remorseful? Does he take 100% responsibility for this? Does he accept that you have the right to be angry with him, and that you may well find moving on a long and arduous process, and that you have the right to stay angry with him?

If he is minimising/trying to shift blame/pulling stunts like "well, I admitted it, and said I'm sorry, why do you keep bringing it up? You bringing it up is the thing damaging our marriage, not my adultery..." then you have a problem, and the problem is him.

Always remember your love on its own will not be enough to fix this.

"DP told me she had told deputy and his wife (it’s a village..) and his wife had said ‘I’m not surprised as you get on so well’. I was just heart broken at hearing this. OW told DP this no doubt to say how much they belonged together."

And why did DP tell you? I'm struggling to see in what context he would think that might be something appropriate to tell his wife.

DP told me she had told deputy and his wife (it’s a village..) and his wife had said ‘I’m not surprised as you get on so well’. I was just heart broken at hearing this. OW told DP this no doubt to say how much they belonged together.

So the OW told your DP this? I wouldn't believe her.

How awful for you.
Why is your DP not protecting you and moreover why are you not protecting yourself here? You could've not taken him back, or put your DC in any other school. This set up is only going to torture you. I have a very bad feeling you enrolled your DC at the school to show the other woman that she didn't 'win'. Unfortunately, neither did you.
You need to recover from DP's betrayal one way or another but how you will heal with this woman in such close proximity is questionable and seems like self sabotage to me.