Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

[BaeBae]

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

Have you asked them why? It seems they were previously willing to try if you've been on holiday together?

Forcing them would be the worst thing to do. Your only option is for him to visit your house while the children are there. Do they say what they don’t like about him?

Doesn’t sound like he makes that much of an effort with them.

What do you hope to achieve by forcing matters other than angry and resentful children?

2 years is only a relatively short amount of time really and they have had a lot of change. Talk to them, listen to them, respect them and come up with a plan together.

I think YABU. The split is very recent and your children are understandably resistent to playing happy families for your benefit. You say you think you’ve made sacrifices for them, but they have been through a lot. I would leave it for at least a year and not force anything, your kids (especially the older one) will resent you. They are telling you it’s not what they want and if you force it you’ll lose their respect.

You aren't listening OP and it sounds like you are insistent upon blending and I fear it will be a disaster. You want to make them spend the night with children who they have met once and play happy families. It really doesn't work like that. I think you should take on board what your dad is saying.

If you value your relationship with your kids don't force them. You may need to postpone your plans to live together indefinitely by the sound of it.

When you say 'going for a night' do you mean they would be spending the night there? Because that's a massive thing to foist on your children and I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.

Forcing it will be a stepping stone for years of resentment.

Can't you start with spending time with him and his children on neutral ground and just for a couple of hours?
Go to a concert, sports event, show, dinner?

Basically being forced to have a sleepover with strangers is not an attractive prospect. Would you expect them to share a room with these kids that they don't know?

You sound like you think they owe you this because you deserve it. You are the parent, they are the children. You suck it up and wait, that is your job. You may need to wait until they are 18.
What happens after GCSEs? Are you expecting them to move areas and schools for 6th form?

You need to listen to them, whilst you've been split for two years, you got with your new DP six months after separating from their dad, that might seem very quick to them. Also talk to them about what their concerns are, are they going to have to move an hour and a half away when your youngest is sixteen and has her social life and support network where she is now, and your youngest will be 13 and half way through secondary school, have you involved them in future planning? You seem to be forcing this

Have you actually asked them why they are so reluctant? If they went on holiday once and now refuse to go again, that tells me that something about that holiday has put them off.

I would have probably felt super awkward about this as a teenager too.

I don't think you can use your "sacrifices" as a bargaining chip when it comes to your plan for a blended family. You did what you had to do to allow DC's to see their dad. From the perspective of the DC's they had no choice over their parents splitting up so seeing their dad at the weekend is the minimum they would expect not some kind of bonus they should be grateful for.

It is a lot to ask for teenagers to move in with another family who they have had no choice over.

You make sacrifices for your children. Are expecting some sort of award? That's your job and what you're supposed to do. It is not your young children's job to make sacrifices for you. I am astounded that you clearly refuse to see that your children are struggling and not at all ready to deal with this new partner and all of his baggage. Keep ramming this down their throats and see where that gets you.

I think you need to take a step back op. Maybe dp can bring his children to stay with you? You may have to wait until the youngest is 18 and at uni to move if they are that unhappy. What happened to make them not want to go on holiday again?

Thanks for the fast replies!

I will take on board what you are saying and will not force it - I needed advice which is why I posted here and the majority so far say no, not to go ahead which I will not now do.

I only have my own experience to go on which was toeing the line and meeting both my parents new partners straight away and spending time with them when they said, for as long as they said - so I was not sure if I was being too soft. It seems I am not, which is good to know.

Yes they would have been spending a night there.

DP has made effort with them, and has wanted to do a lot more.

My daughter likes him, but my son not so much, as he is not his Dad I guess!

Thanks so much for replying, I really appreciate it.

I think your children are old to be blending families like this so soon. You might have to compromise about the moving.

Nothing has happened to make them not like my DP by the way.

I'd appreciate the more vitriolic posters to go vent somewhere else please, I am openly and honestly just asking for advice here - and do not deserve comments like 'do I expect some kind of award' - it's not helpful and just nasty. Thanks

As other’s have said, by forcing this on them, you are storing up years of resentment. Take it slowly. Don’t make a huge showdown. Just because you had less choice as a child doesn’t mean they should. Times have changed, mostly for the good.

This sounds like a horrible thing to force onto children of that age. If they are not agreeing you really need to be postponing this until they have finished their A-levels and have the option of living somewhere else.

Not planning to move in together for another 1.5 years, maybe 2. And it will be here, where we live, not with him. He will move here in all likelihood.

YABU. Put your DC first and put your moving in plans on hold. Your DC are clearly uncomfortable with the new partner and his kids, you need to explore why rather than try and smash the two families together. You are asking for big trouble with Kids of these ages.

but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused)

You and your husband are the ones who broke up. They haven' t decided any of this, you aren't doing them favours here that they should be grateful for.

I can't imagine as a teenager wanting to spend forced extended time with another teenage I'd only meet once. In their house too. That's their territory and I'd have been extremely uncomfortable in it.

I think several more short meetings somewhere neutral would be a much better idea. Doing things that requires them to interact. Like crazy golf or bowling. Something they can bond over the embarassment of. Lol. Activities that take an hour or two rather than a whole day. Let along over night.

I hate to say it, but that might be too soon.

You've not even been with your DP for two years, you both have teenage children, and you want them to have sleepovers at his place, with the view to move in together after what won't even be four years together as a couple. That's a lot for them to take in.

Most of their lives have been spent with married parents. In the last two years, you've split up, divorced and gotten with a new partner. That's a lot for them to deal with on top of the stress of high school, GCSE's and general puberty.

I think you need to slow things right down. Spend time with your partner on your childfree weekends, or go out together in the week and leave the DC at home. They're telling you the holiday and the regular meet-ups are too much, too soon. Maybe they liked the idea of it, but not the reality, or maybe they just don't want to spend their time with mum's new boyfriend, which is understandable.

Please don't pin your hopes on them feeling better about the situation in 18 months time, because it might not happen.

If you lived with DP, presumably their dad could no longer come and stay for the weekend or be the original family unit at Xmas as you are doing now. Your DC probably like things as they are now. They can only see downsides for them if you blend the families (having to be nice to new children, put up with new children, be under the authority of dp , not be in their home etc).

I think you need to wait it out. It is a fairly recent split and teens can be really difficult and "selfish" they aren't really thinking about what you want ,just what they feel they can deal with. They didn't want the split (presumably) nor a new family or adult male in their lives.