Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

[BaeBae]

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

I'd just like to comment on the blended families thing and getting the kids to know each other.

My dad's remarrying and has lives with her for over three years. We are obviously adult children now however I have met my soon to be step brother once and step sister maybe three times. I genuinely have no interest in getting to know them and they may be my dad's step children and as long as they have a good relationship that's fine as do I with future step mum. But they won't ever be my siblings we live in different places and I'm not going to build relationships with complete strangers just cause my dad's marrying their mum when we are completely different people. Also the trying to introduce me to her family. I just am not interested at all, I'm just not bothered. They won't be in my life much if at all after i meet them once so what's the point.

Perhaps your kids feel the same.

A good friend of mine who I met at uni had several years of an incredibly rocky relationship with her mother as she had moved in with her partner when my friend was 16 and it did not go well.
There was nothing majorly wrong with him but she hated the forced blended family situation and it hugely took its toll on their relationship.
Things are much better now (almost 20 years on) but it took a long time.

Teenagers turn into adults and you can’t control whether or not they will hold long term resentments.

Give over. A stranger to teenagers after 2 yrs together?

Where did you get two years from? He's only been with OP 17 months, and presumably he's known the DC for less than that, say 12 months at the most.

Not many teenagers would be happy with mums new boyfriend telling them how to behave in their own home. And to them, he is a new boyfriend. OP and her ex have only been separated two years and they still see their dad on a regular basis. They won't appreciate a new man coming into their home and speaking to them like that - because, well, they're teenagers who probably miss living with their dad.

Given the OP is talking about a 4 year timespan, I think that’s more than reasonable. I agree with pp who said the ex may be dripping poison at the weekends. The whole him staying at the weekends should stop. Perhaps if the DP facilitated dd’s social life, she’d be more willing to tolerate the idea of him moving in.

Good idea to bin the overnight for now and go for a lovely day together. I'd say try to include him in days out and activities on a more regular basis.

As a 13-year-old, my mum and dad split. My stepdad moved in probably 2 years later, maybe slightly earlier. Was I unhappy with it at first? Yes. Was I sad when I thought about them splitting? Yes.

However, my mum made sure that we were never used as a weapon against dad, that my stepdad did not try to 'become' my dad, and that we had regular talks about how I was feeling. She never chastised me for feeling that way, only if I was very unkind. Which I sometimes was. I eventually grew to tolerate, like, and now love my stepdad. I saw how happy he made my mum, and was very happily a bridesmaid at their wedding.

IMO, teenagers are hormonal, and any changes are bound to cause upset. What my mum taught me was that you can't let upsetting times ruin your life. That I should consider other people's feelings (I.e. My mum's and stepdads) even if I was feeling angry. She was gentle, kind, and generous, and I knew that ultimately we came first. I would never have wanted her to make herself miserable to protect my feelings slightly.

I think people are being absolutely ridiculous about you potentially moving in after 4 years when that was not your original point. You are taking things at a very generous pace. It's all about how you handle it, and you seem very switched on and considerate.

I have skim read to will apologise if it's already been said.

You need to start separating from your ex properly. No more him staying at your no more Christmas family days together etc.

At the moment your DC still have their family unit and your DP moving in is a huge threat to that...

My timescale is very similar. I don’t see anything wrong at all in your plans but agree you need to move slowly which you have agreed to. Hopefully your son will get to know your DP better and be more happy in a year or so’s time, if not then you would obviously address this as it unfolds. I don’t think you are selfish. You deserve happiness too but do need to keep in mind your dc feelings.

One thing I think is causing an issue/confusion is you spending Xmas with Ex and have him staying at yours. It’s possibly giving the dc hope you could get back together and not really showing a complete split, which even though painful for them is needed so they can adjust.

You have a shitty attitude OP both to posters on here, and to your children's feelings. You seem to think your children owe you something

Thank you 🙏 Dommina & Doidontimmm

RandomMess yes I think you are right.

BuntyII you are entitled to your enlightened and helpful opinion

@dommina that was a really insightful post, thank you

I'm very grateful that I was never expected to blend. I'm polite to my stepbrothers and sisters (there are lots) when I see them. But I'm not invested in them at all and thankfully neither are they. That said I am very, very fond of my stepmum and stepdad so maybe you need to work on that relationship as a priority and let the children fall in as they will - they're not little after all.

This sounds so difficult.

Putting myself in your kids shoes..... being told to wash up ‘for your mum’ would make my blood boil. I’d feel like ‘I don’t need you (a newcomer) to tell me how to be with my own mum. Mind your own business!!’ I can also see why he said it.

I wouldn’t like it if I was you though and would tell him not to get involved, that you guys are fine. Really I’d want him there as a friend to all of you, not a disciplinarian/ father figure.

Anyway I’ve waffled. Good luck!! 💐

Dommina

2 years ago the OP and her ex split, 17 months ago the OP met her new BF. Between then and now they have gone on holiday with him and he has been around to tell them off.

Now the OP was going to force her DC to spend time other children that they have not met to try and cement them as a "blended" family, (hopefully she will now take it slower), In two years time (at the start of the thread) she was going to move her BF in with his children every other week (50/50), Now she is saying that she is going to sell up and move in with him.

IMO, teenagers are hormonal, and any changes are bound to cause upset.

Yes and to continue the changes and ignore their feelings will continue to cause upset, especially if they don't know where they will be sleeping and if they are expected to share rooms will other people.

I may have missed this, but do the kids know about or suspect your plans even though they are quite a ways off? I ask because when my father did similar - made plans to move in with a partner after I finished high school (and sell the house I was living in at that point to do so) - teen-me started feeling like I and my thoughts on my life were unimportant to him, that he was just waiting to get rid of me to move on, and I started to strongly resist his obviously wanting to play happy family which I hadn't done before with his other partners (who I fought more with but still respected and happy to be around more). His partner didn't help with me or my sister by tightly regulating really random things (I still remember her arguing with my sister about putting grated cheese on pasta because 'that's not how we do things' - she was really weird about food and lots of other things and acted like her ways were 'our ways' from the start).

I didn't really care about him wanting to move in with her but the way he handled it - by expecting us to default to her wishes and family in a way he really hadn't before with others - even our own mother, by making long term plans that really affected us but we'd find out through others or very late in the game and we were just expected to get on board or get out, by setting his move date in line with my finishing high school (something my older brother, mother, and many others in my family hadn't been able to do, it felt like it should have been a bigger deal that ended up overshadowed by him and their plans and future) it really set teen-me off and it came out with resisting as much as I felt I could get away with. He burnt a lot of bridges with his tactics.

I'd work on helping them feel secure with many of the suggestions the others had said either way, but if they know or suspect the long term plan, that might be affecting and causing some of the insecurity and issues and may need space to openly discuss that.

BoneyBackJefferson excuse me, but please don’t inaccurately retell my story using language such as ‘tell off’ and ‘force’ that in no way represents the actual situation which I have clearly stated nor said! You have stated more that 3 serious things that are entirely untrue. I mean where the actual f@ck did you get this from?!?!

‘In two years time (at the start of the thread) she was going to move her BF in with his (I presume you meant ‘her’) children every other week (50/50)’

Dear god, thankfully I’ve had some really informative, helpful and genuine replies, but this one ...

Come OP, sacrifice, seriously? You opted for the easy, don’t rock the boat options regarding the situation with your Ex and parenting your children. Fine but that does have a price and this is it.

I can understand why your partner felt the need to suggest that your children support you but he shouldn’t have because that’s your job, a job you’ve chosen not to enforce and he can’t make up for your parenting choices. When it comes your children he needs to take your parenting lead and if he has issues with that, then that’s a problem between you and him. I find it strange that your children helping wash up after a meal is something that you didn’t feel the need to enforce but spending time with your bf, is something that you feel you can.

In addition, every family dynamic is different. You comparing yours to others is pointless, considering the many factors which separate the dynamics. Your children may well be selfish but that selfishness doesn’t mean that their reluctance to ‘blend’ isn’t justified and their ‘selfishness’ probably isn’t completely disconnected from your parenting choices, which you appear reluctant to own or accept the consequences.

Your children’s home is their sanctuary and given the very little say in their father moving away and your choice to end your marriage I’m guessing they are just exercising what little control they feel they have.

Own the choices you make and the consequences.

OP, given their ages maybe they find family holidays a bit boring and would rather be with their friends?

You are determined to minimise the effect your DP's different parenting style' had on your DCs.

The suggestion by your DP that your DCs should wash up was really out of order.

When my DP asked them to wash up I had already asked them and they refused. He kindly mentioned that it would be nice as I had done the cooking if they would wash up. It's hardly territorial.

And what happened after that?

He should not have butted in. You are left having to choose between your DCs and him. You have clearly chosen him. You are already considering without much sadness or hint that you will miss him the idea that your DS might prefer to live with his dad in a few years' time.

I think your DCs have spotted something in your DP that is not very nice, but you are determined not to take your blinkers off.

Maybe in a few years the shine will have worn off this relationship and you will thank your DCs for expressing their reservations.

Why is your DP divorced? Did his exWife ever call him overbearing?

I think you have such a cosy "family" set up with your ex that anyone , including you, who threatens to disrupt that will not be very welcome

I agree.

But I also think it’s way too soon to be blending families.

The op and her children need to be alone without dad being there and without the new partner being there either.

Why do you plan to move in and blend your families? It sounds like a lot of work and disruption. Can't you just live separately and if things are still going well when your youngest has left home then live together then.

Oh dear, partner (with my consent) suggests children help mother in the kitchen once on holiday. Shock! Horror! Poor children being asked to wash up!

What on earth is wrong with those who say this is overbearing?! It actually made me laugh out loud.

I’d suggest that children who are not shown how to support others and be a little selfless at times might be more damaging to them.

Seriously, I’ve heard it all now.

mathanxiety 🤣

I do think young teens from my experience is the time children are most affected by a divorce and all thst goes with it.
Blended families happen with younger children. Teens are at that awkward not quite adult but no longer a child stage. They can be privy to situations and conversations in the break up that they wouldn’t when younger, and don’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout.
You cannot force a blended family. I have a step sister. I think we have met three times. I have no interest in her and vice versa.
I would have hated any boyfriend of my mum’s telling me to wash up because he wasn’t my dad and it’s not his job to parent. I made my mum’s relationships at a similar age pretty difficult.
When I read the op I figured something clearly happened on that holiday. Either playing a dad figure, being creepy or how he treated you.
I’m glad you have put the sleepover off. Dreadful idea. As for an activity day, I wouldn’t push that either. If they know you want to live together, stop their dad staying on weekends and changing their life again, well they aren’t going to be rushing to facilitate it,

Hi BaeBae. My experience is a bit different: my H had an affair and left after 28 years of marriage, the children were both over 21. He married OW and made it clear from the start that they came as a pair, he wouldn't see the children on his own. A year later, I met a man and, both my children having left home, we spent time together. But mine are keen to spend time with me alone. They like my partner, but think its odd to spend time with a 50 year old bloke who isn't their dad. I am aware that my EXH rather forced his wife on the children, that this has adversely affected his relationship with them, and I didn't want to make the same mistake.

An added complication, I feel, is that mine are older, adults really, so they should understand that I have life separate from theirs. I think the impact of a separation on adult children is really underestimated, and I know they feel their foundations have been rocked in some way. I think they would like everything to go back to 'normal', and some days, so would I, so that feeling is understandable. YOurs are younger, and I wonder if they are able to articulate their issues.

I think what I'm trying to say is that it's complex, but it's easy to damage ones relationships with ones children and they need to know that you are constant in their lives, that your love for them is constant, and that they can still trust you to have their interests at heart. If that means taking things slowly in ones own life, so be it. Both my partner and I have to accept a back seat as regards the other's children and that is hard for us. Its easier when children have their own partners, and have transferred their affection to them, but yours are too young to have learned that yet.

I don't think there are easy answers, and I know it's hard to balance what you want to do (we aren't getting younger, it's our time to do what we want etc) against what the children want, and to consider just how much control we want our children to have over our decisions. But I look at the fractured relationship my EX has with his children, and I know that I don't want that.

I doubt that helps, but maybe just knowing that you aren't alone is comforting.