Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

[BaeBae]

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

Theoscargoesto I agree and thank you

OP you can’t compare your situation to others. As a pp had said, sometimes blended families work and sometimes they don’t. Yours is clearly going to be in the latter camp and that’s just the way it is. What is clear is that either way, your kids are going to resent you, or you’re going to resent them

YABU and insensitive. It is their decision and it is not fair to try and forcethem into a difficult and emotional situation which they're not ready to deal with yet. They will get to know him when they're ready. Don't put your wants before their emotional needs.

I get WHY you want your dcs to meet and spend time with your dp and his children but I really would think about the basic issue of you both parenting differently. I agree with others that it wasn’t his place to ask them to wash up. You were all on holiday together for the first time. Children maybe feeling a bit odd about it all. And he butts in to something that was between you and them. I know you think it was nice that he was supporting you but it was far too early on for him to do that.

Going forward these are the kind of issues that will niggle at everyone. If he is a stricter parent your dcs will resent him having input. You will start to feel your parenting is being questioned.

There are so many threads in here about step family issues and a lot of issues seem to stem from basic differences in family life and how different people parent their children.

It’s even an issue when friends and families go away on holiday together. Different approaches to things becomes very noticeable.

So I wouldn’t dismiss it. Your dcs don’t want to go away with your dp again. You need to address that.

BaeBae

Sorry, but some home truths. My Dad met another partner shortly after my mum died. She has her own DC around me and my siblings ages. I'm glad he met someone but to this day I am adamant that I do not want to be part of a blended family. It's not that she is horrible (although I don't really warm to her at all) its that when I was a teenager my home was my sanctuary and her being there took that away from me after the trauma I went through at my mum dying and needing security. Anyone who knows me in person would say I am not childish, but I am not interested in playing happy families with my Dad's DP's daughter and sons. I didn't want to go to their birthday parties or out for meals with them. I was happy for my Dad, honestly I was, but I wanted to see him on my own and be myself around him.

In the end I moved out as soon as I could and I haven't had a great relationship with him since. Your DC have already sent you the message that they are interested in having a relationship with him. If and when you move in with him, be prepared for your DC, especially your DS to want to go live with their Dad.

My parents divorced, I was uncomfortable with my mums new partner staying over after a year or so but he did anyway, I was 16. Probably after 6 months after that he was moved in, I had no choice so I left home at 17 and lived in poverty basically just to get away and my relationship with my mum was damaged forever as she forced me into a situation I didn't choose.

I'd be looking at moving in together when they've all gone off to Uni or whatever path they choose, and the girls are older and independent OP rather than at the age they are now.

I'm glad to see you're taking people's comments on board and not intending to rush things. Your DC obviously feel loyalty towards their df, and dont want to see him replaced. As a previous poster has said, they're getting to the age where they can make their own decisions about who they live with, and you could risk them wanting to live with their df.

I am not interested in playing happy families with my Dad's DP's daughter and sons. I didn't want to go to their birthday parties or out for meals with them. I was happy for my Dad, honestly I was, but I wanted to see him on my own and be myself around him

I think when a new couple are in lurve they often are just so desperate to blend and can't see why children aren't as enthusiastic. I don't think it is selfish for teens/older children not to want to move in and create a new family set up, nor is it 'marking territory' when a child wants to spend time alone with a parent (frequently stated on the step board)
I agree with the poster who said that the effect of divorce on older children is underestimated.

I think your ex staying in yours and dcs home every weekend is adding a complication. It's like he's still part of your home even though you are not there at the same time.

This is a very difficult situation for all. I've been the child (15) forced to meet the OW children and start 'blending' families. It was shit. Really awful and I wasn't in a good place to do so. That being said there were some more unique circumstances around that and my father didn't handle it well.

From what you've said, you have taken it slowly and done things on their time frame and you absolutely deserve to be happy and have that. However, you can't expect them to just 'get on with it'. They won't. In fact, they will more than likely deliberately be as difficult as possible. I know I certainly would have, and at no point would I have tolerated being told what to do by this person.

Am I a horrid, self absorbed person now? No. Was I self absorbed as a teenager having watched my parents get divorce and lose all my security? Yes. And this probably how your children see it.

Perhaps, as suggested an activity day whereby you do something all will enjoy would be great, and definitely on "neutral territory".

I also think there's alot to be said for them just not wanting to know your DP's children. My father is now married to someone else (not the OW) and I like his wife perfectly well and we have a good relationship. Her 3 DC's though we've met, I have no interest in. I'm an adult, they're all young adults and in no way are our lives connected. I wish them well but that's it. My DH of 10 years has never spoken to 2 of them and only seen them at my father and his wife's wedding. Perhaps your DC's just aren't that interested. If i were you, I'd be more focused on building your DC's relationship with your DP than forcing the children together.

I wish you well as this sounds a difficult situation but unfortunately all you can give to help is patience.

BaeBae

Here is the thing, If you continue down this route you will destroy any chance of a meaningful relationship with your children.

but hey, you continue to thank those that agree with you.

Heres wishing you all the best, cos you're gonna need it.

I just wonder if seeing their Dad staying over at weekends is giving them false hope that you might eventually get back together., even if you are not around. Seeing Dad in the house may be all it takes to raise their hopes. That would be their ideal scenario and therefore they won't support your new relationship or take any interest in it.

BaeBae, if you are as dismissive with your children as you are with posters here then I don't think your relationship with your children will survive the next few years.

Your sarcastic comment to me reveals a good deal of hostility to your children.

You have clearly decided the children's response to the washing up directive was an insult to your DP and a slight against your new relationship.

You need to cool your engines here and make it clear to your children that they come first. If you won't do this, you will lose them.

Your posts make me wonder if you would mind that.

YABU.

You've made several points which basically insinuate your children either have to like it or lump it when it comes to this new man. Even mooting the idea your son would want to live with his father hasn't prompted much response from yourself, which really leads me to think it's incredibly selfish of you to persist with this set up.

They are telling you, as their Mum, the only Mum they will have that they do not want this blended situation and yet you are determined to steamroller this guy into their lives. What exactly is wrong with waiting until after they've left for Uni? It would be five years for your son maximum - that is in no way an eternity.

If I was the child and your boyfriend had tried to tell me to wash up, I'd have told him where to go. He isn't anything to me at the moment, just someone Mum is forcing me to spend time with. You need to put your children first not some man you've been dating a couple of years. This is one of the most selfish posts I've ever read on Mumsnet, and reminds me of the mothers who are determined to move the new boyfriend in to the detriment of the children's wellbeing. I feel really sorry for them that you're forcing this.

All it takes is a change of tact on your part, not setting definitive dates on moving in and taking it slowly but it appears you're not prepared to listen to anything that doesn't fit your agenda.

OP you of course are entitled to live with your DP after 4 years of dating - you are considering children’s interests but not moving in the middle of GCSE year.
I am not going to repeat the good advice you received here (which you followed and plan to follow). My only advice is for your DP to integrate easier into your family is actually not do any (even if absolutely right one) parenting at this moment. Your children are pre teen and teen, they are very close to their dad from what I read and hence would resent anyone telling them to wash up or do anything specially their mum’s boyfriend. All these will be accepted with time when they will get to know and love your DP in a different way but at the moment they will just have “you are not my dad attitude”

Oh also, when I was 16 my mums partner tried to tell me to do things or parent me and I couldn't get my head round how someone my mum was shagging had any sort of authority over me. Anyway he didn't and it didn't work and I frequently told him where to go.

You left your DH of 20 years 2 years ago as it wasn't working and have had a boyfriend for 17 months. Of course, you should do what makes you happy if you are not but there are always consequences of the things you do. Did your DH want to end it? Do your DC think he is the aggrieved party? Were they surprised when within 7 months you had fallen for someone else and are now very serious?

Your DC may push back on hanging out with your DP because they feel your ex is the aggrieved party and they do not want to hurt him. They may feel massively loyal to him. They are also very young and are not in a position to tell you how they really feel because they are scared of losing you or not having anywhere to live. I felt this way and this is why I kept my mouth shut but left as soon as I had the power to do so. The fact that they are so young and are already saying they don't want to do things indicates to me they have very strong feelings on the situation.

Why can't you just go out with him until they leave for Uni? That way, I think you will avoid a massive fall out. I actually think you are coming across quite self centred and need to put your relationship on simmer until they are older. That is also a good idea for your relationship because it may fly out the window once you are all under the same roof if there is animosity there.

I actually like OP's posts, and especially where she said Bye :)
Also love @PoliticalBiscuit post.
@BaeBae you seem sensible. Overnight is too long which you already reconsidered. Also get to the bottom of why your DC do not want to go. I think if you doing it slowly (short activities together like bowling etc.) you have a fair chance of your DC being more accepting over time.
I have a partner of 2 years, my DC are 10 and 8, so far they love to go overnight to DP's house but we have not done the blending yet. I anticipate teenagers are more sensitive.
Good luck, you doing it all right!

@oreoxoreo thank you for your reply, everyone else will think it's just because you are 'telling me what I want to hear' but the only people who can properly understand are those that have been in my situation. I have had some really nice private messages from people to scared to post because of those here judging me and being pretty nasty, which is such a shame as it's not what it should be about. Thank you.

As for @mathanxiety and your comment 'Your sarcastic comment to me reveals a good deal of hostility to your children.' How so? I'm very interested to hear how you came to this conclusion? Thanks :D

**"When my DP asked them to wash upI had already asked them and they refused. He kindly mentioned that it would be nice as I had done the cooking if they would wash up. It's hardly territorial."

Have you talked to them about how this made them feel and what kind of step parent they hope for? I'm not saying not to go ahead, just that you seem to think that they have to accept being parented by your partner just because you had a step parent too. Not all step parents take on a parenting role, some choose a more friendly role or nurturing etc and leave directive or discipline aspects to the parent. They may not now or ever accept, listen to or respect a step parent who is directive.

Best of luck. These things are always tricky.

Oh dear, partner (with my consent) suggests children help mother in the kitchen once on holiday. Shock! Horror! Poor children being asked to wash up!

What on earth is wrong with those who say this is overbearing?! It actually made me laugh out loud.

I’d suggest that children who are not shown how to support others and be a little selfless at times might be more damaging to them.

It's the sarcasm that gives you away, BaeBae, the mockery of your own children.

(Also the establishment of sides and the very obvious choosing of one side over the other. You complain that you have rights and you are adamant that nobody you know who is divorced is faced with a wait of 4-6 years before moving in together, as if your children were nothing more than flies in your ointment, and as if the experience or situation of everyone but your own children mattered.)

Were you crying into your cup of tea that your children had not done the washing up when you asked them to?

Or were you actually fine with it, and you are only thinking that your children need to be more supportive now that your boyfriend has butted in and planted that thought in your head?

• My and DP's parenting styles are a little different that's all and they got hacked off, for example when he suggested they wash up sometimes after I had cooked dinner.

• I don't see asking kids to help their Mum clean up sometimes after she's cooked for them to be imposing a parenting style, I think it's just nice, and should be encouraged tbh

If you don't normally require your children to do the washing up or other household chores, either at home or away, it is really a bit rich to now come to the conclusion that they need to shape up.

To imply criticism of them when you (and their father) are the individuals who have formed them up to this point in their lives is not fair to them.

Somebody new has come into your life and by default, into theirs. Now you want to snap your fingers and have your children change their ways.

I think your children sense (rightly) that you are willing to throw them under the love bus. What has been fine with mum up to now suddenly isn't - or actually it really is ok with you, but you are anxious to back up your boyfriend and the effect on your children sucks for them - and I think they correctly suspect that their place in your world is not as secure as they once thought it was. It is probably quite disappointing for your children to see mum turn into something resembling a sock puppet. Frightening too.

These kids have 2 parents.........from where i'm lyjng their dad has been able to roll on with his life. If he wants to move in with a new partner he can.

Some of the comments on here are just bloody odd, I don't think the op is being unreasonable st all. If anything she's been too bloody reasonable.

You may need to accept at the ages your kids are that blending isn't going to happen. They're too old and it's now their decision rather than yours. You can insist on mutual courtesy between them and dp, you but mostly dp can work on a friendship with them, but getting them to relate to him as a parental figure and his children as siblings or even friends is not in your power, and to push it is going to make things worse not better. Your kids may not ever see your dp and his kids as anything more than acquaintances - mum's partner and his kids - because that's what they are to your kids, and that's the boundary of the relationship they want with them.

Your children are being faced with losing their safe place home with you, with the parent they are 100% comfortable with, to live in a house that will be dps and his kids' territory as much as theirs. As an adult who was in that position as a teenager I vividly remember how much that took my sense of safety or ability to relax. It was no longer my home, I was a guest in their home.

It's in your power to do what you want here, your kids can't stop you, but they are trying to tell you they are not comfortable and not willing, and there may well be a cost to your relationship with your kids in the long run if you push them into situations they are not willing to be in. It's weighing up whether you think those costs are worth it.

So many times on MN posters frustrate me. They come on here seeking advice when they have clearly made their mind up anyway. Perfect example, you say after all the advice given and despite however your children still feel you are going yo actually uproot them and move in with him anyway when you feel the time is right. Yes you are entitled to have a life, but is that of the cost of your own families happiness. Yes, things may change gradually, so play the waiting game. Personally I do not understand the need to live together, can you not continue happily living separately until your children have established themselves in the world? I think there is a lot to be said for that.