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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

193 replies

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 16:15

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

OP posts:

Looking4wards · 30/09/2018 16:52

You and your husband are the ones who broke up. They haven' t decided any of this, you aren't doing them favours here that they should be grateful for.

^This. I have to say OP's post did sound a bit like 'my kids should be grateful that I've been so patient so far'

OP you haven't said why they didn't want to go. Do you know? If not, have a sit down conversation about why they don't want to go. Ask them about their concerns and how you can address it together. Listen to what they have to say and don't bulldoze through any of their points.

GloGirl · 30/09/2018 16:52

Feel like it's opposite day on Mumsnet today! Another thread where I disagree with most posters in a thread. There's not much way that I'd let 2 teenagers dictate my relationship with a partner - presuming he's a decent man who's had no ructions with your kids And you take things sensitively and slowly.

They're having their lives well facilitated but at considerable cost to you. Your DH moved over an hour away so you have literally given up your home every weekend so he can stay (does he pay 2/7ths of your rent and bills?! )

The idea that in 2 years time after being in a relationship for 4 years you might not live together is bonkers.

It can't be easy for your children but you're being so accommodating why would they need to give an inch?

I suggest an honest and frank chat with your kids, talking about your relationship to their Dad, how lonely it is as an adult with no companion - reiterate that you love your EX but that there's no way to get back together again etc.

Talk about your new relationship, how it helps you and how he is starting to feel like a part of your family but not theirs obviously, and ask them how they can foresee making changes and including him more so that you are happy and they feel comfortable.

If in doubt can you not throw epic bribes at it? Guess who has surprised us this Christmas with 4 tickets to whatever amazing concert the young kids are up to these days! He's upgrading his laptop and has said you can have his old one for homework! Etc..

BananaBonanza · 30/09/2018 16:53

I think you have such a cosy "family" set up with your ex that anyone , including you, who threatens to disrupt that will not be very welcome.

I'd be gently talking to the kids about expectations. Yours and their and what's fair. Blending family's is difficult at any age but especially at teens

BlueSkyBurningBright · 30/09/2018 16:54

I agree that you should let the kids 'blend' at their own pace.

I would have thought that a more important issue would be to start setting boundaries with your ex. Stop joint Christmas and special events at your house. If you are planning to move your partner in to your home in the two years, you need to make sure the kids don't see it as their father being evicted for him.

BananaBonanza · 30/09/2018 16:54

@PoliticalBiscuit says what I was saying better. Totally disagree with the other posters

Poppyinagreenfield · 30/09/2018 16:59

It does help to write down your feelings and reasons then read it yourself.

You want to blend them and they are ultra resistant. They may have acquired some of this from you yourself. It’s in their dna.

I find it better myself to be ultra chilled and let matters take their natural course.

The worst thing you can do is to impose your will on others.

Original poster

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 16:59

Brilliant ideas and advice, thanks.

DP and I have discussed small outings over a night at his, and I'm feeling now that this is the best route to take too.

I had no idea that I was being quite so U, and I'm so glad I asked here before going ahead. It's hard to get perspective sometimes, especially as I only have my (albeit back in the day) experience of divorced parents.

I thought I was doing the right thing to involve them, but can see now that is not the case at all.

OP posts:

Alpacanorange · 30/09/2018 16:59

I agree with polical biscuit, 2 years is enough time for them to have got the idea that you have met someone else. It’s the dad that moved, why oh why you are allowing him to use your one like s b&b I have no idea, never heard of such an arrangement. It will be next to impossible to break up the set up without your dc getting the hump. Meanwhile, your life is on hold, indefinitely. Parenting doesn’t end with gcse’s, in many ways they need you more.

adaline · 30/09/2018 17:02

The idea that in 2 years time after being in a relationship for 4 years you might not live together is bonkers.

Why is it bonkers? Plenty of people live apart from their partners after four years, especially when children are involved.

Loonoon · 30/09/2018 17:02

Hopefully thus will settle down over time but there is a possibility DC might never like your new partner or his children. There might be good reasons for this or it could just be one of those unreasonable instinctive dislikes we all experience occasionally.

Whichever situation is closest to the truth here one thing is certain - forcing them to spend time with him/them will make them dislike and resent them even more. It will also make your relationship with them more difficult. Also, don’t underestimate the likelihood that seeing you with him and his DC might make them feel very jealous and insecure. It might not be rational but it’s understandable.

I think you are right to take the advice here and take things very slowly, hopefully as they get more used to your DP they can start to build a relationship with him and be more open to visits in the future

GummyGoddess · 30/09/2018 17:03

Please don't, it's not fair on your children to have a man moved into their house like that. My mum did that to me and my brother, then again to my sister and youngest brother. It's horrible, creates a crap atmosphere and children who never want to be at home.

As they are obviously on good terms with their dad it may have them choosing to move in with him. Either wait until they are both happy (not just resigned) or until they are 18.

Original poster

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:07

@PoliticalBiscuit I had been thinking like this too - but sounds like we are in the minority.

For clarity: my ex moved 1 hour away from us after we split, he sees the kids every other weekend - often at my house when I am away staying with DP - sometimes they go to his house when my DD has no plans. We do not play happy families as I do not ever see him and only do so at Xmas for the past two years. He leaves my house before I come back at the weekends he stays here. The kids do not see us together anymore, only at Xmas, which I am not planning to do this year - maybe just a dinner together beforehand.

I do not agree that we should not live together in the future, we will have been dating almost 4 years and I do not see that this is unreasonable to want to be together. If I was moving in with him after a few months I would totally agree, but 4 years is a mammoth amount of time.

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 30/09/2018 17:08

Dear god, put your kids first. Of course YABU. Why is it so important to have a lie-in relationship with 'blended family' when your kids are telling you they're not for it just now?

Original poster

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:08

And DP won't be moving into my house we will be buying a new house together in 2 yrs time, if things are still going good.

OP posts:

Original poster

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:09

His kids probably won't be moving with him, unless his DD wants to go to 6th Form here. His other child will have left home by then,

OP posts:

OliviaBonas · 30/09/2018 17:10

I also thought your children may chose to live with their Dad instead.

KnotsInMay · 30/09/2018 17:11

Small outings, baby steps, sounds the way to go.

Did they know it was part of a plan? If so, they probably felt the process and outcome was already laid out and fait accompli, so objected. Let things develop naturally for them, as it has for you.

It is good that it works out that your ex stays at yours, but that is a favour to him, not to your dd. She didn't aske you to split up and her Dad to move away. She shouldn't have to lose all important time with friends at 14. You sound as if you think she 'owes you' over this.

LeftRightCentre · 30/09/2018 17:11

So in order to further your own interests and desires you're willing to stake your relationship with your kids. 'AIBU?' 'Yes!' 'No, I'm not! I wants it! We wants it! We're going to do it!' Nice.

Sirzy · 30/09/2018 17:12

Put the idea of moving in together on the back burner for now, build things slowly and naturally.

Original poster

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:13

Agree with Alpacanorange that their father staying at mine might make for a difficult transition later on - in 2 years my DD will be 16 and more flexible I'm sure and my DS prefers going to stay at his Dad's anyway!

OP posts:

LeftRightCentre · 30/09/2018 17:13

And DP won't be moving into my house we will be buying a new house together in 2 yrs time, if things are still going good.

So this entire thread has been academic. You're going to do it anyway, with a 13-year-old and 16-year-old by then and his child, well, she can just move somewhere else for 6th form because fuck it, you want to live together. Okay.

CandleWithHair · 30/09/2018 17:15

2 years when you’re a teenager is an eternity!
Teens are generally fairly self centred, and before anyone leaps down my throat I mean that in the most basic sense - their worlds are fairly limited and what they care about the most is what impacts them directly. Empathy and perspective take longer to develop! With that in mind, given you and your ExH have successfully provided a pretty comfortable arrangement for your kids, I could imagine they don’t actively have an interest in wanting to get involved in anything that changes that. PPs suggestions about breaking the blending into smaller more regular chunks sound spot on to me. Let them see how their new, larger family can and will benefit them.

Original poster

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:17

LeftRightCentre no but I am entitled to happiness and security too, I'm hardly telling them to eff off and go and live with their Dad. I know NO other divorced people whose children do not live with their new partner after a reasonable amount of time. I know NO other people who have not ever done so! It's ridiculous to suggest after a marriage breakdown (that was not my fault) that I cannot after 4 years move in with my partner.

OP posts:

Witchend · 30/09/2018 17:17

What happened on the holiday?

They obviously agreed to go, even if you had to work hard to persuade them.
That they are adamant they won't again says something happened, even if they haven't told you.

Original poster

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:18

LeftRightCentre Yes we are going to live together anyway, if you reread my post properly instead of attacking me like a dog, you will see that I asked about A NIGHT at his - NOT about living together. Go maul someone else Ms angry!

OP posts:

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