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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

193 replies

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 16:15

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 30/09/2018 18:02

So go ahead and do it then, Bae, really don't see why you asked on here and then round on people who tell you to put your kids first in this Hmm.

Faultymain5 · 30/09/2018 18:03

@Sirzy, I think the rest of my post to the OP makes your response moot.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/09/2018 18:03

When have teenagers ever been selfless or appreciated what their parents have done for them? They might do it when they are older with some life experience but not while they are still teens.

Haireverywhere · 30/09/2018 18:05

Have your explored their reasons and do they feel safe enough to talk about any negative feelings about DP or possibly the move generally? They may have lots of fears as well as any excitement which needs working through ideally, for everyone's benefit.

This may be totally irrelevant but I remember my friend (of divorced parent's) saying when we were kids if she didn't comply with his requests her father would choose his new partner over her. He didn't! But as kids of that era we didn't know any divorced families apart from one where the father didn't see the kids again after they refused to visit his soon to be new wife.

Haireverywhere · 30/09/2018 18:06

*parents

Loopytiles · 30/09/2018 18:07

2 years isn’t a long time when OP started dating her boyfriend only a few months post break-up.

Raines100 · 30/09/2018 18:08

Blending a family of five year olds is totally different from blending a family of teenagers.

Young teenagers are just coming into an awareness of their autonomy, starting to want personal space, flexing their ability to make their own choices, wanting respect as people with minds that reason. You run roughshod all over that by imposing a new people on them in the sanctity of their own home.

When they're older teenagers, come and go as they please, their lives are opening up, and they have some established adult freedoms- like, say, wanting their own girlfriends/boyfriends to stay over... then they'll have far more empathy with you wanting to live with yours and, hopefully, more mature heads to deal with it.

corythatwas · 30/09/2018 18:08

This, this, this:

So YOU ask them! It's not them doing that is the problem, it is that HE asked them, HE asked them to help you - in their minds he is saying "I can tell you how you and your mum's relationship should be". It's territorial of him.

llangennith · 30/09/2018 18:10

Don't try to force them, however much you want to. You're lucky that you get to spend eow childfree with your DP.
Where will you live when you and DP move in together? Your DC won't want to move away from their friends and all that's familiar to them.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 30/09/2018 18:18

If they stayed overnight at his house would they have their own room or would they have to share with his children in their rooms. Would they be forced to 'play' together?

The problem with the holiday was that there was a strange man telling them what to do. He should make more of an effort to be friendly with them instead of dictating, as if he is somehow their parent.

If you are going to force them to live with this man in two years then give them plenty of warning to adjust the idea. They might decide its better for themselves to go and live with their Dad. Making such an unnecessary change to their lives against their will, right in the middle of their GCSEs, could quite literally cause damage to their life chances.

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 18:20

When my DP asked them to wash up Shock I had already asked them and they refused. He kindly mentioned that it would be nice as I had done the cooking if they would wash up. It's hardly territorial.

I have just spoken to DP and we are binning the overnight idea and going to plan an activity day instead.

There is no way I will wait until they leave home, and I am not asking for this advice, thank you all anyway.

HouseworkIsASin10 & BewareOfDragons absolutely! However, it is admirable that many others have waited.

But again I did not ask about living together and I'm shocked at the judgement and outrage that I might want to do so after 4 years!

OP posts:
Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 18:22

LeftRightCentre can you actually read?

I have agreed to bin the overnight stay.

I DID NOT ask for advice about the timescale of living together.

Again, go troll another thread please.

OP posts:
CandyflossKing · 30/09/2018 18:24

Also going against the grain. You can't exactly force them however I don't think they should dictate what you can do! Leave them with a babysitter and go out for the night. Maybe next time they will decide that you are the better option!

Bluelady · 30/09/2018 18:25

Bare, I haven't noticed much judgement or outrage, just advice to put your children first. I appreciate you haven't had the reaction you hoped for.

adaline · 30/09/2018 18:32

So you're throwing your toys out of the pram because people have said things you don't like? Hmm

You've basically just said you're going to move in with him anyway because you refuse to wait until they leave home. So your relationship is more important than your children being happy and comfortable in their own home?

Because as teenagers, they can just go and live with their dad if they're not happy at home. What's more important? Living with your children AND having a relationship (albeit not a live-in one) or risking the relationship with your children for the sake of moving your DP in in two years instead of four or five?

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 18:32

CandyflossKing agreed - and there is a fine and sensitive line between me wholly considering and supporting my DC's feelings (which I am in no doubt that I am doing) and them dictating what I do. It's a tricky balance.

Awaits vitriol insightful replies

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2018 18:37

I had already asked them and they refused.

What was the consequence of this for them? Seems to me your actual issue might be that your DC expect that their wants come first. Now you want that not to be the case, on an issue that their feelings really count. Rather than things like chores, when they should just do what you ask.

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 18:37

adaline er, no, what's more important is a healthy and happy compromise, which in this modern age, is normal.

Honestly, is it just me, or do no parents who get divorced not live at some point with their DP's while the children are at home, as I know NONE who have?

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/09/2018 18:38

Was your dp OM? You’re dc POV you’re with three df for 20years you leave and suddenly your with a new man. As an adult I don’t I wouldn’t have been too impressed with my dm and of the sexes has been reversed the man would have been slaughtered on here for leaving his family and prioritising a new relationship so soon. You’re dc aren’t happy with this man and you need to expect they will likely not accept it.

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 18:41

Thanks all for your replies, to my initial question which was about the overnight stay which has answered my question and I have now changed my plans as a result.

For the rest of you who want to continue with the unsolicited advice about whether divorced parents should live with their partners, please go ahead and debate amongst yourselves.

Thanks & Bye

OP posts:
adaline · 30/09/2018 18:42

Honestly, is it just me, or do no parents who get divorced not live at some point with their DP's while the children are at home, as I know NONE who have?

Nobody has said that. But you've only been with your partner 17 months, and split from your husband for just over 24 months. That's not a big time difference. You need to give your children TIME.

Just because you've moved on, doesn't mean they have!

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 18:56

Honestly, is it just me, or do no parents who get divorced not live at some point with their DP's while the children are at home, as I know NONE who have?

Some parents do. I know one family in particular where the children have a wonderful relationship with their step dad and step siblings - now all kids are grown up but still consider each other as close as any blood relations. I also know people who didn't feel comfortable in their own home and it permanently damaged their relationship with the parent in question.

I don't think a happy blended family is something that you can assume will just happen because you've decided. It's going to require a lot of work and consideration and patience.

Of course you can just force your children to accept this man and his kids on your timescale but you run the risk of making their home someone they don't feel comfortable and seriously compromising your relationship with them.

nokidshere · 30/09/2018 18:56

The problem is that he is the one asking them. He's not their parent, you are. He's not been in their lives long enough to tell them how to behave around you. If you want help, YOU need to ask them. You're their mother, he's just a stranger to them.

Give over. A stranger to teenagers after 2 yrs together? I agree the op should have more expectations of her children in terms of help but he is not the devil incarnate here, he is her partner. Teenagers are fairly selfish and self absorbed so maybe a sit down and a proper grown up honest chat with them about all of your feelings might help. You don't need rules for individuals, you need rules for the house that everyone, no matter who's children they are biologically, follow.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 18:58

agreed - and there is a fine and sensitive line between me wholly considering and supporting my DC's feelings (which I am in no doubt that I am doing) and them dictating what I do.

I agree they shouldn't dictate what YOU do. You can spend time with your partner and they can't ban you from doing so. However what you're describing above isn't them dictating what you do it's you dictating their living arrangements for your benefit not theirs.

MaisyPops · 30/09/2018 19:03

I DID NOT ask for advice about the timescale of living together
But the speed of change is what posters are saying is probably contributing to your children's feelings. You got your new partner 6 months after breaking up with their dad and their world they've known all their life fell apart.
If you can't see that and picture yourself as some selfies person who has made loads of sacrifices your kids should be grateful for then I fear you're missing their voices in this.

If you want to put your love life above your children and seek ways to force them into accepting a blended family then it will not end well.