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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

193 replies

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 16:15

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

OP posts:

Ceilingrose · 03/10/2018 09:44

Surely there is varying advice? It's not actually possible to agree with all of it.

Original poster

BaeBae · 04/10/2018 07:21

@mathanxiety god don’t you just love yourself. Such self righteous judgement of a situation you know less than a fraction about. What’s frightening is people like you casting judgement on people you know nothing about bar a few lines written on a forum. Do you support Trump by chance?

OP posts:

crunchtime · 04/10/2018 07:43

Nothing has happened to make them not like my DP by the way.

That might be true but they are going to see that Mum and dad are no longer together, their home is not the same and their lives are not the same and here is this bloke wanting to step in.

It's only been two years.

Just...go slowly.

serbska · 04/10/2018 07:49

Why on earth do you want to blend families?

There is NO BENEFIT to your children in a blended family situation.

Stay dating. See your DP on alternate weekends. Reconsider when your children are at university.

HannahHut · 04/10/2018 07:55

but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways

You can put this on them. They're not forcing you to do anything, you can't say that your making a sacrifice for them so they have to as well.

I don't think 17months is a huge time to know someone before moving them in with your partner. They are probably also aware once you move him in then seeing their dad as they do will stop.

BumDisease · 04/10/2018 08:01

Op why did you actually post this thread in the first place if you're not interested in any opinions that aren't the same as yours? Your children DO NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY. They are telling you this loud and clear. Why can't you just wait a few years?? Your dad is 100% right. And as for "making sacrifices" so that they can see their dad, what the actual fuck? Making sacrifices is kind of part of the deal when you decide to become a parent is it not?

Of course, you'll entirely disregard this and move him in anyway no doubt. Just remember this post in the future when your children are all miserable.

LakieLady · 04/10/2018 09:27

Sorry but you have destroyed their world in ending your marriage and then their dad has buggered off. That is going to do a serious number on their mental states whether you or they realise it or not. You are then expecting them to accept you moving on very fast and expecting them to play happy families.

This, and it has happened at the worst possible age for your daughter, when she's going through puberty and her mind and body are changing what seems like hourly. That is exactly when she most needed security and stability. Your son is now at the same point in his development.

For children to feel they are being asked to, or forced to, accept a "new dad", when they're still missing day-to-day contact with their actual father, is really, really awful. The fact that they still have regular contact with their father means that, consciously or not, they will be constantly comparing your DP with their father and he will not measure up. They're still grieving for the family they had before you split up.

I feel that if you force this, you risk damaging your relationship with your children, possibly irrevocably.

And I agree with PPs that you should start with a "blended family" outing and see how that goes before you all start spending nights under the same roof. I'd suggest something that doesn't "force" interaction, like going to the cinema, and then maybe going for something to eat afterwards.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:33

AIBU? MN: Yes. OP: No, I'm not! I'm going to do what I want to do, stamps foot.

PollyFlinderz · 04/10/2018 09:40

but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways

I think you do it because it makes it easier for you in a whole lot of different ways. One being that you don’t actially have to face reality.

CarolDanvers · 04/10/2018 09:41

I’m not even sorry to say this but you sound like a massive tool OP. I have known people like you, who trumpet the “what about MY happiness and I have made loads of sacrifices for my kids” line and who prioritise their adult, romantic relationships. It never ends well, mostly for the kids though because the adult doesn’t really care and manages to convince themselves that their kids are being unreasonable. I’ve seen people do that for decades and end up entirely estranged from their kids. That’s the path you are on. Tbh though I don’t think there’s anyone who just could convince you. You’ve made up your mind already. I wish your children luck.

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:48

Newsflash: people make loads of sacrifices for their children because they are children and totally dependent on their parents. They're trapped in whatever situation the parents put them in. That's part of being a parent. As my father always said, 'If you want an easy life, don't have kids.'

Bluelady · 04/10/2018 10:20

To be honest I'm struggling to see what sacrifices have been made, just rage at the kids not rolling over and doing as they're told.

IrianOfW · 04/10/2018 10:25

Parents make sacrifices for their children all the time. it's called parenthood. It doesn't earn you a medal.

Their family has split up recently. Very distressing for them..
Their father has moved away.
You and their father have made compromises so that they can carry on seeing you both in and you can see your bf. To them this probably feels like a poor second best to what they had.
You have a new partner very soon after leaving your H - they may see him as the catalyst for the divorce as he appeared so soon afterward. Unfair? probably but they are teenagers and no always known for being rational.
They have 'lost' the marital relationship that parented them for all of their lives, the paternal relationship has changed massively and know their maternal relationship has changed to include a strange man. Now your bf has started to co-opt you on to his 'side' by telling your kids off for not helping you. Not his business BTW.
You want to live with your lover and they will have to lump it

You see that you have made sacrifices and compromises. they see only that things as they knew and liked them have changed beyond all recognition and you want to bring about more change.

ohshitonit · 04/10/2018 17:43

This "oh I made sacrificed" bullshit is so typical of parents today who expect their kids to just deal with their drama.
My husbands mum was just like this and now he's a dad he resents her so much and realises what a selfish witch she was.
I remember the weekends she would say "it's MY child free time now" if anything threatened her time with her new dp and we all used to just roll our eyes at how horrible that sounded.
She's exactly the same now that we have children, "I've done my time bringing children up" and has never done anything to help us... Except she didn't really do her time bringing children up properly! She just wanted them to blend into her new family even though they didn't want to.
Now all her kids hate her anyway and her relationship failed.

Runningishard · 04/10/2018 18:01

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years, my son is 15. They get on well but us all living together won’t work right now. It may in the future. I want to live with my son more than I’d want to live with any partner. It sounds like you don’t enjoy being with your kids OP

Haireverywhere · 04/10/2018 20:44

OP is only responding to defend herself and is not (it seems) taking on board or reflecting on the varying advice.

I really think you need to see things from everyone's perspective in your life OP, not just yours. Talk to your kids about some of our ideas here.

multiplemum3 · 04/10/2018 21:06

You havent been together long enough for him to be playing stepdad. My mum did this to me and I despised her and her partner for it, you're trying to force your kids to play happy families when they don't want to. Just because you moved on so quickly doesn't mean that they have, stop going on about sacrifices you're their parent ffs.

mathanxiety · 05/10/2018 05:22

I take it from your response to me that I have hit the nail on the head in your situation.

Again, if this is how you respond to opposition from your children to your plans, don't be surprised if your relationship with them sours.

I hope you are not prepared to take that risk, because your children need a parent they are sure of, and they face a very tough time if they find themselves with one who does not seem to have their backs.

I hope you will listen to your dad because his assessment of your situation is correct and his advice is spot on.

(And no I do not support Trump, as it turns out. What a really, really odd thing to suggest.)

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