Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

[BaeBae]

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

I'm going to go against the grain of most people I think?

So your DD gets to see her dad on her terms? So he visits her here but yet she doesn't spend time with him because she stays local to have a social life instead?

*You spend Xmas with XH for the sake of your kids?

But hey anything you want is treated with a resounding no?

You need to regain some balance here. I think your DP could come to you for the night instead as a compromise but I don't see why you should make all the sacrifices - everyone's entitled to a life.*

Youarenotkiddingme Thanks, I do agree with you. Most people I know who have divorced are not amicable, do not speak to their XH, do not let him stay in their home (even though he chose to leave them and live an hour away), would not contemplate an Xmas together etc. I feel I need to find a healthy balance where I am being sensitive to them and being able to move our lives forward.

Maybe it's because I left XH that I'm getting such a poor response.

Not quite the same situation but after it just being me and DD for 13 years my DP (now DH) moved in. We dated for 2 years without him staying over when she was home, then gradually started spending time as a group and him staying the odd night, building up to him moving in over the course of about 18 months. He worked hard on building a relationship with her.
She had little contact with her father (none since age 11) so there was no issue with her feeling he was trying to replace a parent which probably made it easier.
My advice: spend time as a blended family at neutral places (parks, bowling etc, let the kids choose the activity to give them a sense of control) rather than at one of your homes. Don't put pressure on them to get on with your partners DCs as they might deliberately 'rebel' against it just to make a point.
I hope you're able to make it work and that your DC feel more comfortable with it all soon.

I personally think the sad reality of most children/teenagers is to not really care if you're happy or not. IN theory, yes, they want you to be happy. But not if that happiness affects their reality ... and here their reality is they would have to go stay somewhere else sometimes and play happy families. And they don't want to, so they're refusing. They are prioritising their own happiness, which isn't surprising.

You need to remember, though, your children are teenagers and leaving home soon enough, so don't give up your relationship if you want to have that... find a way...

So YOU ask them! It's not them doing that is the problem, it is that HE asked them, HE asked them to help you - in their minds he is saying "I can tell you how you and your mum's relationship should be". It's territorial of him.

This. I think by the time they're teenagers or pre-teens it's going to be very difficult for kids to accept a new adult into a parental role. Their lives have already been massively disrupted in a way they have no control over. Now they're supposed to accept a new person, who they may not even like or feel comfortable with, inserting himself into the relationship they have with their mum.

I don't see asking kids to help their Mum clean up sometimes after she's cooked for them to be imposing a parenting style

The problem is that he is the one asking them. He's not their parent, you are. He's not been in their lives long enough to tell them how to behave around you. If you want help, YOU need to ask them. You're their mother, he's just a stranger to them.

I can't imagine many teenagers taking kindly to mums boyfriend coming along and telling them to do housework.

A more realistic plan might be for your DP to move near you in his own place so you can spend much more time together. If your kids and he and his kids get on you can all hang out together. But if they don’t you’re all protected.

Maybe it's because I left XH that I'm getting such a poor response.

Its because your children should come first, by forcing the situation you are putting yourself over their needs.

Your DD doesn't want the families too blend and your DS doesn't have much time for your DP, forcing this will only end in your children suffering and a split from your DC.

You have to let this happen in its own time.

I think you are entitled to have a life, and I expect your Ex would not get this sort of grief.

It's bollocks to say the kids should be dictating to you, the adult in this situation.
You have been more than fair and are not rushing things.

Where you have gone wrong is making the lines blurred with the Ex. You are not together and your kids need to understand you are no longer a family and your DP is not the reason for you not getting back with their dad.

Maybe it's because I left XH that I'm getting such a poor response.

It’s irrelevant, it’s how you’re treating your kids that’s the issue.

I think it is too much to expect DC to be happy spending an evening with people they have only met once and are expected to get on with.

I think a lot slower approach on neutral. Territory would be better

Maybe it's because I left XH that I'm getting such a poor response.

MN is fulling favour of LTB

Maybe it's because I left XH that I'm getting such a poor response.

How long was it between the split and them knowing about your DP? I know you say you didn't cheat, but if there wasn't much of a "gap", maybe they think something happened?

Or maybe they resent him trying to take their dad's place (in their eyes, anyway)?

Stop rushing them. They aren't ready.

I would start to make the transition of ex’s not staying at yours and not doing Christmas together. They need to see that change isn’t the end of the world.

Couple this with meeting on neutral territory making memories. Watching a concert/event. Going bowling etc.

Nothing to do with you leaving, OP, I did the same. But you talk moving "our" lives forward, in actuality it's your life. Your kids are entirely happy with the status quo which is understandable as you've been very considerate and civilised. If you move in with your partner they lose their friends, their own home and their relationship with their dad will inevitably change. And the eldest is in early teens. Can you not see how threatened they must feel?

Maybe it's because I left XH that I'm getting such a poor response.

I don't think that's true at all. I think maybe you're deflecting the genuine opinions you've received because you don't like them.

Blended families can work wonderfully. The new people might enrich each other's lives. However you can't force it. Sometimes it won't work and when it does it can't be via you dictating the timeline.

I'd wait until they had left home at 18 before I considered living with him. Theres no way I would put my children through living with others who are basically nothing to them.
I'd continue to see him and have a serious relationship, but with both of us having our own homes.

@Sirzy Out of curiousity when does the OP's kids learn that sometimes things can't be as we would like them as it would hurt others.

When do we expect our children to learn to be more selfless?

I'm not sure the OPs is right nor her kids wrong. I think at 50, 4 years seems like a long time, whereas to an 11 year old maybe it's not. I don't know.

But maybe some of the judgymcjudgies, might want to reign their judginess in a bit and open their minds and see it's really more complicated that their own previous experiences.

That said OP, maybe take it slower, no overnights (well maybe DP should stay over night), I think some of the PPs recommendations to talk to the kids is great. It's important for them to feel included. Arrange time with you all (his kids included) and time with DP you and the kids.

Stop accommodating the ex-DH, but don't immediately bring DP into the house (it can't seem as though you are getting rid of their dad for the new guy).

Hope that helps.

With the plan to move in together (when you currently live 1.5 hours apart) who would be moving, DP? What would that mean for his DC? Or does he have them every other weekend (or less) and would be travelling to where their mum lives to see them?

A couple of things stand out here.

1. you got together with your dp very quickly after leaving your marriage

2. your exh moved a long way away after separation

3. your kids and your dps kids didn't get on when they met

And you wonder why they don't want to spend time at his house?

Sorry but you have destroyed their world in ending your marriage and then their dad has buggered off. That is going to do a serious number on their mental states whether you or they realise it or not. You are then expecting them to accept you moving on very fast and expecting them to play happy families.

Sorry but I think your expectations are unrealistic.

Whilst you are entitled to move on and me lake plans for the fu, you cannot force it upon other people. I think you may have to extend your plans to looking at once your kids have grown and moved out of the family home.

Well faulty they are more likely to learn that if they live it! If their mother sits down and talks to them, explains things to them and involves them it’s much more likely to lead to long term successful relationships than telling them “we are moving in together is two years and tough shit if your not happy”

I wonder how many people posting actually have relevant experience of your situation, I've noticed on MN even dating as a Mother is often frowned upon, you're supposed to devote yourself to your children and have cold showers until they leave home.

When do we expect our children to learn to be more selfless?

They learn by example. If you just go for your own happiness no matter how unhappy or uncomfortable your children are they are unlikely to show selflessness towards you.

The fact is children are children they need stability and to feel comfortable in their own home. If they don't feel that stability they'll push back.

To get the ball rolling on joint outings for you, your DP and all the kids, is there anything they would all love to do?

Butlins, Flamingo Land, Disneyland (in Paris) long weekend in New York, trip to Australia (go business class for extra wow factor), culture break taking in Rome, Florence, Milan, off-road quad biking. Isn’t there anything at all that they all like?

I do feel for you OP. I hope you and DP find your way out of this maze.

1.5 -2 yrs is a long time. So much can change in that time, including your relationship status. I can understand your kids perhaps not wanting to risk another break up when moving in is such a long way off.

Is there a particular reason they have to spend time at his now? Can’t you let it be until nearer the time, when you will actually be able to set some definite timescales for it? You’ve already here said 1.5 yrs and then 2 yrs.