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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids refusing to visit my DP of 1.5 years home

193 replies

BaeBae · 30/09/2018 16:15

I have a DS (11) and DD (14). I'm split and divorced from ex husband (of 20 years) for over 2 years (I left him because it was not working and I was not unfaithful). Ex and I are amicable and he stays in my new house for most of his weekends having the kids when I am away at DP's as my daughter has quite an active social life and ex moved away after the split. I compromised on ex staying at mine - it's not ideal, but DD was unhappy to miss social events here where she lives so we came to this arrangement.

I have been in a new relationship for 17 months and it's serious, we plan to move in together when DP's DD (also 14) and my DD have finished their GCSE's. DP lives 1.5 hours from me and comes to me once a week (so my kids know him well enough) and I go to stay with him for my child free weekends. My DD & DS have had a holiday with DP too, although they now refuse to go on another one.

DP & I want to start blending our families and we've planned a night at his next month where I will take my two kids and his will be there. They have all met once before (for a day out), however they did not all communicate with one another very much, so we want to start getting them together more, so that a) they can start to get to know one another more slowly so that when we live together they will be more comfortable with one another and b) so that DP and I can spend more time together too!

Problem is, both my children are ultra resistant and are saying, no, they will not come and they are being very very resistant to the plan. My Dad says I should not push them as there is plenty of time (1.5 years) before DP & I can live together - but I feel I have made sacrifices so that they can have their Dad here for their weekends with him and also in other ways, such as not foisting my DP on them in any way (he wanted to take us all on holiday again but my kids refused) and by, for example, for the past 2 years spending Xmas Eve and day with my ex so that they would feel happy at Xmas.

I kinda feel I should make them come, as it's not a new relationship and it's not asking a lot of them - but I feel torn. When my parents split up there was absolutely no question that I would not visit and stay with their new partners and I had to do whatever they thought was right! AIBU to make them? WWYD?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 30/09/2018 17:20

I think for now you should just continue as you have been, staying over your dp’s When your dc’s are with their dad. My dc’s are the same age as yours, I think my 14 year old dd would really struggle being put with another 14 year old and to get along, she would probably ignore the other teen as she would feel awkward. Also staying in someone else’s house would feel awkward. I think it’s quite hard to blend a family that contains teenagers. It’s one of the reasons why I’m still single, my kids would not cope merging with another family and I wouldn’t put them through it.

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:21

Witchend nothing happened. My and DP's parenting styles are a little different that's all and they got hacked off, for example when he suggested they wash up sometimes after I had cooked dinner.

OP posts:
adaline · 30/09/2018 17:22

If I was moving in with him after a few months I would totally agree, but 4 years is a mammoth amount of time.

For you, not for your teenage children who miss their family set-up and probably have no interest in living with your boyfriend!

seventhgonickname · 30/09/2018 17:23

I agree with the poster that said that you need to stop your ex using your house,you don't want to leave it until next year when your did year 11 and any later and it will seem as if he is being eased out to be supplanted by you DP.I know it seemed like a good solution at the time but it is going to be harder now.
I think you also need a chat about what was wrong on the holiday.I also agree that meeting for an activity for a few hour would be better for all of you to be together.Not sure about concerts as the kids just see it as very obvious bribery.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2018 17:23

I would put moving together on hold for now, it cannot happen as your kids are unhappy. I just don't think they are ready yet.

GummyGoddess · 30/09/2018 17:24

Just FYI, when my mother did this to me and my brother her new partner gradually became violent and turned out to be a child abuser.

When she did it again to my sister and youngest brother, he embezzled tens of thousands from her business, takes drugs and hurt my brother.

Both times my mum was like you, thinking that her new partner was amazing, liked her children, made an effort, etc, etc. She is an idiot.

Don't be blinded by love, don't do this to your children. They will never forgive you and it will be your fault. If it's true love then waiting until ds is 18 will be fine.

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:26

Aeroflotgirl there are no plans to move as yet - it is a future plan we have not even started to even implement as yet. It is a flexible plan and obviously we will be taking into account all our DC's when this happens.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 30/09/2018 17:27

Why should your DC be forced to live with an adult they don't appear to like particularly? Maybe for good reasons, do you even know?

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:28

GummyGoddess My mum moved me and my brother in with my step-father after 6 months of knowing him. He was the kindest, most loving man. He changed both my and my brother's lives for the better. I'm sorry you and your siblings had such a horrible experience Flowers

OP posts:
corythatwas · 30/09/2018 17:28

I know NO other divorced people whose children do not live with their new partner after a reasonable amount of time.

My db has waited 11 years because he sensed that moving in too quickly would rock the security of his new partner's children. During this time he has built up gradually, patiently: they are now in their late teens but have a very close relationship and are absolutely delighted to go on holiday with him and their mum. Yes, it's been hard on him but on the upside his relationship both with his partner and with his stepchildren is rock solid.

Dh and I waited 10 years to move in together, though that was for different reasons. So no, 4 years don't really strike me as a mammoth time.

I would not take it as a good sign that they have been on one holiday with him and don't want to go on another one. That to me looks considerably less promising than if they had refused to go in the first place. The fact that he is already trying to impose his parenting style on somebody else's teenagers is really, really not a promising sign. This situation calls for tact and wisdom. Has he got those?

saoirse31 · 30/09/2018 17:31

Its their home, you and your dh are already after causing massive changes in their family life, why should they have to put up with more ..can you not wait till they're adults and then move in with your partner?

I'm prob being unreasonable, but so many people seem to just expect their kids to put up with people moving into family home ignoring the massive change, mostly unwelcome, that this causes to their home life.

Original poster
BaeBae · 30/09/2018 17:31

corythatwas That's admirable, but I am 50 and do not want to wait until I am 60 to live with him. I don't see asking kids to help their Mum clean up sometimes after she's cooked for them to be imposing a parenting style, I think it's just nice, and should be encouraged tbh

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 30/09/2018 17:34

I'm going to go against the grain of most people I think?

So your DD gets to see her dad on her terms? So he visits her here but yet she doesn't spend time with him because she stays local to have a social life instead?

You spend Xmas with XH for the sake of your kids?

But hey anything you want is treated with a resounding no?

You need to regain some balance here. I think your DP could come to you for the night instead as a compromise but I don't see why you should make all the sacrifices - everyone's entitled to a life.

Sirzy · 30/09/2018 17:35

The problem is it’s all about what you want. Who you want to live with. Not what is best for your children which is pretty sad really and if your not careful will just push them away.

I would love to live with my partner but we both accept that it’s not the best thing for my ds at the moment, when the time is right we will but for now we just make the most of things as they have to be. We are adults so can understand that sometimes things can’t be as we would like them as it would hurt others

Oddcat · 30/09/2018 17:37

A couple of things spring to mind - does your ex have a new partner ? Do your kids hope that you'll get back together? Is your ex whispering in their ear and putting them off ?

corythatwas · 30/09/2018 17:38

But OP if you think it is nice and should be encouraged, surely you should have been the one to encourage it? You said yourself you and your new dp have different parenting styles, but you are your dc's mum and they will (quite rightly) expect you to be in charge of the parenting style, not some relative stranger whom they hardly know.

KnotsInMay · 30/09/2018 17:38

14 is peak difficult time to talk about this.

And he really needed to hold back on making washing up suggestions the first time you went away with them.

See what happens in 2 years. Don't have a plan laid out and hanging over her head while she does GCSEs.

booklover21 · 30/09/2018 17:38

My parents divorced a decade before my father met his new wife (at which point I was in my mid-twenties). I actively hated the idea of blended families and wanted to grow to know my new family in my own time.

It's taken several years before it felt natural and not forced. From the moment I felt less pressured a relationship was much easier to form. In my opinion they won't play happy families just because you want them to.

By all means don't put your life on hold but "keep the door open for them" and let them follow in their own time.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/09/2018 17:39

You can't make these teens become a blended family if that's not what they want.

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 30/09/2018 17:40

I've been in this situation as a child.

Forcing it is the WORST thing you can do. I was FORCED to meet mothers BF and kids and I was so resentful I made sure it was as awkward/frosty as possible for all concerned.

I would never inflict that on my children. Your perspective is incredibly selfish IMO. Your kids no longer live with both parents - and its of no relevance to them who's fault that is in a way - it's been forced on them.

At 11 and 14 they are not kids so much anymore but young adults.

Take the softly softly approach if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with them when they grow up.

I no longer have a proper relationship with my mother partly because of being thrown into these horrible situations as a teenager.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/09/2018 17:40

PoliticalBiscuit
They're having their lives well facilitated but at considerable cost to you. Your DH moved over an hour away so you have literally given up your home every weekend so he can stay (does he pay 2/7ths of your rent and bills?! shock )

Did you miss the bit where this facilitates her relationship?

MumNeedsANap · 30/09/2018 17:40

I think 4 years is a very reasonable amount of time, you are quite clearly working hard with her ex to make things easier for your children, I think mum's deserve to be happy too

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/09/2018 17:40

I don't see asking kids to help their Mum clean up sometimes after she's cooked for them to be imposing a parenting style, I think it's just nice, and should be encouraged

I agree. You should have these expectations of your older DC. But you haven't. Him suggesting it is interesting. I can imagine a DC feeling slightly shamed and very resistant to this. Volunteering someone else to do something nice means they get the work, you get the kudos and I would feel a little peeved and PA about that. He gets to look like a lovely person, while they get to feel bad AND do washing up. It's a very little thing but it is important.

Was this the theme of the holiday?

DerelictWreck · 30/09/2018 17:41

Sorry if you've answered this already OP, can't see it.

Have they said why they don't want to to go next month?

KnotsInMay · 30/09/2018 17:41

"I don't see asking kids to help their Mum clean up sometimes after she's cooked for them to be imposing a parenting style, I think it's just nice, and should be encouraged tbh"

So YOU ask them! It's not them doing that is the problem, it is that HE asked them, HE asked them to help you - in their minds he is saying "I can tell you how you and your mum's relationship should be". It's territorial of him.

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