Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

[daffodillament]

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ?

I can't relate from experience but imagine I will be similar when the time comes. You will feel better in a week or two as you start to get used to it. Plan some nice stuff with your other kids and stay busy. Hug!

Sorry you’re feeling the start of the empty nest. However this

Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home.

Is a bad idea. What if these plans change? What if he doesn’t want visitors as he gets used to his independence? I think I remember seeing one set of parents visit once in the three years I was at university! This is the time to stop planning your life around your children, enjoy it! It will get easier, it’s time to remember who you are outside of being a parent.

I can't relate as I'm a few years off this yet and I've no doubt I feel the same, I think it's fine to let yourself feel like this for a bit and cry it out if you need to. Try to keep reminding yourself that he's safe, happy and will have the time of his life.

This is a long way off for me but i feel
So bad for you OP. It will take time to get used to your son being away at uni, but think of all the fun when he’s back for holidays and you can have family time.

Thankyou guys. Padpa I think he's wants me to visit. Won't hang around the uni or anything, just pop up and take him for lunch/shopping etc..

Dropped my eldest off last weekend.
Felt strange, anxious, mildly bereft and generally out of sorts for several days.
One week on, I'm already starting to feel more normal.

Both my children are at university about 400 miles away and it's impossible to just drive there as there's water in the way.

Its different for me as I have no children left at home, but it's great! So much freedom, so little laundry, so little mess in the house... And the knowledge that they are settled and happy and doing what they want to do.

My job was not to make them want to stay. My job was to bring them up to be independent and live their own lives, and I'm happy to see them with the confidence and capability to do just that.

They know I'm here for them, and in fact spent a lot of time yesterday speaking to one of them. It's also great to see them when they are home.

But this is my time. I'm making my plans to do the things I want to do, doing courses to enable that to happen. Life is pretty damn good!

You'll get there op. It was hardest at the start, because you want to know they are ok and settling in but you don't want to be speaking to them all the time to check. But that does get less as time goes on.

You'll be fine op, truly.

My DD went last week. We've had contact each day via phone and text. Around working ft, I've reorganised and deep cleaned her room, and I have a bag in there whereby I'm buying and storing bits for her to take back when she comes home in a couple of weeks for the weekend. I've put a multi pack of kinda eggs in their to, as she used to collect the toys as a kid. Thought that would make her smile ☺

Oh how well I remember this, it's awful. It gets better remarkably quickly though. The dynamics of the household adjust and the empty bedroom becomes just that. I kept reminding myself that his independence was exactly what I'd put put years of work into. It helped a bit.

My mum was like this with my older brother. She said it was worth with me as I was her baby!

Remember that it's a good thing! You've done a great job of being a parent! Now you're role has changed slightly but your kids will always need you and love you.

*There even!

Padpa I think he's wants me to visit. Won't hang around the uni or anything, just pop up and take him for lunch/shopping etc..

I'm with Padpa - he will want you to visit at the moment; it'll feel emotionally soothing to plan visits. Don't set your own hopes on them actually happening though - if things go well; he may well be having a whale of a time with his uni friends growing up then.

This will get easier! You've done an excellent job and he won't be gone forever. Uni is a hell of an experience. Take it easy

You sound a little bit overinvested in your son, OP. Please give him the space to find his feet at uni, to make new friends and grow up, without you appearing all the time or begging him to visit home.
Most kids adapt well to uni and wouldn’t be seen dead having their parents visit!
Take the opportunity to expand your own horizons. What would you like to do once you’re free of childcare responsibilities? Take on a new challenge at work, a hobby, an evening class, travel more? There is life beyond kids, and it can be enjoyable and self indulgent!

Awww Thanks everyone ! Such a rollercoaster of emotions !

You sound a little bit overinvested in your son, OP. Crikey. Maybe I am. We have always been so close. I'm just not ready for this and I need to address that. It will be fine.

OP, its a couple of years away for me but its at the back of my mind. I intend to be busy, busy, busy for the first few weeks when dd leaves. I see that other posters who have been through this have reassured you that these feelings will pass - possibly quite soon. In the mean time be kind to yourself, stay busy, and try to focus on the positives.

I actually think that by arranging a get together every two or three weeks for the first few months is good way of easing him in to uni life and helping with the transition. I know I'm being OTT and I am hoping he will be settled sooner rather than later and the frequent visits won't be quite as necessary.

I never understand threads like this. I've just had a child off to uni too but with modern communication we're never out of touch. We've had a family Whatsapp group for over a year now and whether they're off in Uni or upstairs in bed we're still in touch. I haven't noticed the difference, there's no sudden gap.

OP you have my sympathies.

My DD moved out to go to University two weeks ago.

I have my moments- we are very very close, but overall I am better than I expected.

I have been mentally preparing myself for this.

I owe it to my daughter to stay strong and invest in myself.

I have started doing extra classes at the gym, had a lot of candle light baths, cosy dinners with OH, walks in the woods.

So when I speak to my DD I can model strength and show her that my life is important and worthy.
As is hers.

Makes loads of sense speakout and thanks too yumma I actually love what you've said !

It is difficult - for DS this is next year, so it is all becoming very real.

You have done a brilliant job to get him to this point.

Now your job is to allow him to make the most of this experience, this step towards total independence, even if it hurts you to do so.

So absolutely go and see him - if he invites you. Be glad to see him in the holidays - if he chooses to come home. Welcome him home for the occasional weekend - if he, unprompted, says he is coming back to see you. But - and it is a big but - this must be on his terms, and with no inkling of how much it may hurt you to say 'that job in the US for the summer sounds like a great opportunity - go for it!' or 'Of course you should be doing X activity not coming home to see us - sounds fantastic'.

The thing is, he may tolerate you visiting him. He may come home if he worries about how sad you are and feels guilty. But each time that happens, you lessen what he gets out of university. You prevent him making those necessary steps into independence at the rate that he wants to - those steps which you have prepared him so well for.

Good luck!

I've never understood attitudes like yours Yummadoodle - that because you can WhatsApp them its no big deal

People are different.

I actually think that by arranging a get together every two or three weeks for the first few months is good way of easing him in to uni life and helping with the transition. I know I'm being OTT and I am hoping he will be settled sooner rather than later and the frequent visits won't be quite as necessary.

Honestly? Do not do this. Go once in a couple of weeks, then leave him for the rest of term. Leave it to him come home if he feels the need/want.

He may not want to tell you not to come, by the way...

I dropped mine off last weekend. She's over 200 miles away. I felt a little sniffly on the drive home, but now I don't feel sad at all. I'm just really happy for her. I'm glad she's starting on a new phase of her life. I wouldn't dream of visiting! I'm sure if I suggested that, it'd go down like a lead balloon.

Ahhhh OP it will be my turn next year. I think it depends on the child. he is obviously finding it a bit of a challenge too in that he wants you to visit at the moment etc. My eldest can't wait for her independence and has always trotted off to school, school trips, sleepovers etc without looking back.It makes it easier for me. My youngest however is like me in that she is very sentimental and always clung a bit in those situations. She's already said she'll go the local uni!!!