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Original poster

Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

245 replies

daffodillament · 30/09/2018 11:32

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ? Shock

OP posts:
PrickWhittington · 30/09/2018 19:11

I wonder whether for those that are experiencing significant distress it may be that there are other issues going on

Maybe. For clarity, my regrets were to do with not leaving the DV we went through sooner. I used to torture myself with guilt, but luckily, my DS's grew into mature, decent men who realise why it took a while, and that I was a victim too.

That said, can any of us honestly say we don't have any regrets throughout their childhoods? Things we did, things we didn't do? Your children leaving is the ultimate proof that their childhood was finite - I think it's easy to forget that at times when they are still growing up.

I suppose it can complicate things as well that DC's flying the nest can often coincide with middle age, peri/ the menopause (wasn't in my car that time though).

I'm not sure it's easy for anyone though tbh.

MissSpoke · 01/10/2018 10:07

Hello OP, my DS went on Saturday. My only child. I've been a single mum since he was 8 and I too had a terrible day yesterday. I can't face going into his room. I have end of term marked in my calendar. It's such a lifestage milestone, and things will never be the same. I think that's what I'm really coming to terms with. I'll miss his birthday for the first time ever too.

All that said, everything has been leading to this, all the exam work and stress... and now there his is, at a top university studying the subject he adores. I want to text him every day, go and see him, of course I do but I know I can't. And I know I will get used to it and that he'll come home at Christmas full of it all, and a little different too, as it should be.

Meanwhile, I may have to get a cat.

I hope all goes well for your DS, OP. Hang in there, you're not alone.

Allfednonedead · 01/10/2018 10:20

I was thinking ‘oh, such nonsense’, then I remembered the first night we put DS into his own room. He was happy as Larry, I had a complete wibble and had to sleep on the floor next to his cot.
All I’m saying is, you can’t control your feelings, it’s fine to feel like that. Just remember you’ve done brilliantly to raise a son to leave home in the confidence he’ll be alright and let pride mingle with the grief.
After a while, you’ll start to feel less grief and more pride. And then maybe some of the convenience of a spare bedroom and one less mouth to feed ...

LoniceraJaponica · 01/10/2018 10:56

I can't wait for DD to go to university. She wasn't sure what she wanted to do and turned down her place at the university she was offered this year and is now on a gap year (at home).

I feel that she is missing out as all of her friends are at university and partying like mad while DD stays in on a Saturday night watching TV with me.

However, she is now sure of what she wants to do. She has the right grades in the right A levels, and three of the universities we have visited in the latest round of open days have told her she would get an offer straight away. She has been offered a job and is doing some voluntary work at the local hospital as well.

By the time she goes I hope she will be more confident and mature.

Of course I will miss her, but I don't think I will be in floods of tears, but I can't really tell how I am going to feel. OH is semi retired and I am eligible for my bus pass soon and we want to make the most of our extra freedom while we can.

Miladymilord · 01/10/2018 11:00

My job was not to make them want to stay. My job was to bring them up to be independent and live their own lives, and I'm happy to see them with the confidence and capability to do just that

This

It always seems to be mothers of sons that post these kinds of threads

I can't wait for my dd to go Grin

tinytemper66 · 01/10/2018 11:02

My son joined the RAF in February and I am still bereft! It is such a silly feeling and irrational but it is how I feel!

Miladymilord · 01/10/2018 11:05

Tbf the idea of my 12 year old (youngest) leaving home makes me feel desperate. When the last one goes it must be very hard.

dArtagnansCrumpet · 01/10/2018 11:06

I haven't read the full thread but just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum, I wish I had a mum who cares as much as you! I hope you feel better soon x

speakout · 01/10/2018 11:10

Miladymilord

You feel like that now- but you will feel differently when the time comes.
It won't be a 12 year old leaving home, it will be an ( almost) adult child.

You may be getting the flags out when the time comes!!

LoniceraJaponica · 01/10/2018 11:10

"It always seems to be mothers of sons that post these kinds of threads"

My experience (of one) seems to bear this out. DD's boyfriend's mum is very clingy, and the BF couldn't wait to get away from his "claustrophobic family" (his words). He deliberately chose a university several hours away so that they couldn't just turn up on a Sunday afternoon.

Miladymilord · 01/10/2018 11:14

You may be getting the flags out when the time comes!!
Yes if my 18 year old is anything to go by

Miladymilord · 01/10/2018 11:15

I had to leave the WIWIKAU Facebook page because of all the anguished mothers of sons working themselves into a frenzy about how their sons wouldn't cope without mummy washing thir pants and doing everything for them. I bloody hope dd doesn't end up going out with any of their sons!!

HurricaneFloss · 01/10/2018 11:16

It always seems to be mothers of sons that post these kinds of threads

Nope. There's another thread on here where mums are talking about missing their DSs and DDs. Some rather lovely posts actually. It's not about being a sad, clingy woman who can't let go but about missing a person who has been in their lives (almost) daily for (almost) two decades: their energy, their chatter, their passion for life etc. It can leave a void and it's Ok to say so.

Fluffychickenmonkey · 01/10/2018 11:18

I promise it gets better. This is week 3 for me. I still miss him but not quite so badly

Miladymilord · 01/10/2018 11:21

Of course it leaves a void, it leaves a void in every family, but they aren't frickin dead!! Being bereft and not being able to stop crying and planning visits (I'd have died of my parents had visited me more than once a year) is ridiculous imo

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 01/10/2018 11:30

Parenthood is a long and bumpy road towards making yourself dispensable - unless you have a DC that’s always going to be dependent to a degree on yourself or others. Those with DC in this category may well be feeling wistful as they watch their DC’s age-mates fly the nest.

HurricaneFloss · 01/10/2018 11:34

but they aren't frickin dead!

No one has suggested they are.

WrenNatsworthy · 01/10/2018 12:15

You sound a little bit overinvested in your son, OP

Give her a fucking chance @Babdoc! It's not been long, people are allowed to have feelings immediately after an event. Empathy is a choice.

WrenNatsworthy · 01/10/2018 12:20

@DaffodilLament

I have friends with both sons and daughters. EVERY SINGLE ONE of them has been through what you have. And they all say it's hard at first and then it gets better - even to the point that they start to piss you off when they come back and stay too long.

It's a big transition for you and ignore all the folk patronising you, they are obviously need to feel smug this morning.

Babdoc · 01/10/2018 12:43

WrenNatsworthy, perhaps you should read my whole post before being gratuitously offensive.
Had you done so, you would see that I was being supportive to OP, reassuring her that her son would be fine and encouraging her to enjoy her new freedom from childcare.
I have seen two children off to uni, and, as a widow since they were babies, have long experience of coping with life alone.
Perhaps you could curb the four letter words and stop wilfully misunderstanding people’s motives?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 01/10/2018 12:46

Mother of three sons here
Eldest gone to uni
Found the change of dynamics tricky but otherwise fine
Not one for sweeping generalisations personally

tillytrotter1 · 01/10/2018 12:49

Heaven help anyone he marries or sets up home with, you sound to be a nightmare!

Surely as a parent you realise that this is what will happen, the apron strings will loosen and eventually break. A friend was a school secretary and on the first day of school there were two types of mothers. The first had to be prized out of the Reception area and would sit outside her office sobbing, she always bought masses of Kleenex. The second came through the doors into Reception after five minutes, threw her arms up and shouted Wheeee.
It's natural to feel a bit sad as things change but there'll come a time when you'll be asking 'When do you go back and leave us in peace?.

IrmaFayLear · 01/10/2018 12:56

I can heartily recommend a gap year.

I would have been devastated to have waved off my lovely little boy to university after A Levels. After a year at home staring each other in the face we were more than happy to say our goodbyes ! (For a few weeks till he was back for Christmas)

BookWormsRule · 01/10/2018 13:01

My DS is only 18 months and in his more challenging moments I find myself ‘counting down’ the years til he flies the nest! But this thread has suddenly made me feel awful at the mere thought - Now telling myself that I MUST enjoy these young years, no matter how tired I am!!!

MorrisZapp · 01/10/2018 13:04

Can I ask a question? Those of you with suddenly empty schedules (room for new hobbies, gym, walks etc) aren't 17 year olds pretty much self running anyway?

I ask with some degree of trepidation. I have an eight year old, and I wistfully imagine all the gym visits, walks and personal time will begin when he goes to secondary school, and increase until he's 17 by which time all I'll have to do will be tap my phone when he texts me for a tenner and laugh at his taste in music.