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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

245 replies

daffodillament · 30/09/2018 11:32

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ? Shock

OP posts:
gamerchick · 30/09/2018 13:15

I can’t imagine feeling like this. I’m actively looking forward to my eldest spreading her wings a little and having some adventures

Heh I was the same. Number 2 is nudging towards the moving out. I already have plans for his bedroom Grin

Mind you, I can’t imagine ever getting to have my home to myself ever again either as I have two children with additional needs

I have one as well who will probably never leave home. I wonder if that influences the thinking a little bit.

My mother never got over my brother speeding his wings. He works all over the world and comes back for a chunk of time between jobs. Then it's the sniffly wreck until the next time. I couldn't live like that. Kids are loaned to us, they're not ours for long in the right scheme of things. Sons get married/meet someone and have babies.

There's nothing wrong with feeling a bit weepy at a child leaving for the next chapter in their lives as long as you don't dwell on it for too long.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/09/2018 13:24

From experience (2 dds) they will be home again before you know what, carting home a vast amount of laundry, and will be ravenously raiding the fridge almost as soon as they're in the door.

We did visit occasionally - one was a driveable distance away, the other meant an overnight stay. We would take whichever dd and a few friends out for lunch - always seemed a popular move.

DrPeppersPhD · 30/09/2018 13:34

I agree with the PPs saying don't visit too often. If he asks you to come up, that's grand but don't pressure him. He may say he wants you to visit now, but in 2 or 3 weeks time he may have his own plans and you, in the nicest possible way, might not be part of them. It's not because he doesn't love you, or care about you, it's because he's growing up and finding his own path. By all means, call him every once in a while and look forward to the holidays, but don't live for those moments, instead be proud that you've raised a grand young man who can go out and live on his own.

thisisillyria · 30/09/2018 13:38

It really does get better in time! It's a big adjustment to make, and everybody handles it differently.

I found the first week really hard, especially the year that my youngest started, but settled down quickly to the new routine. It's not all bad when you get used to it - there are lots of good things about having an empty nest.

HurricaneFloss · 30/09/2018 13:40

Shocker! We're all different and so are our kids. So OP doesn't need anyone lecturing her about how she should feel/how her DS will feel - we don't know either of them.

I hate that Kahlil Gibran pretentious poem (no offence)
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams

eh? Confused

Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 13:41

Bewilderedhedgehog I love that !

OP posts:
papayasareyum · 30/09/2018 13:44

Hurricane, it means they will outlive us and have a future life we know nothing of (hopefully)

Clionba · 30/09/2018 13:45

dafodillament it gets better, it gets easier. I wept for the first week. I couldn't look at his empty bedroom. It was awful. I still cried when he went back, but it definitely has got easier. I think it's natural, and part of a close relationship.

Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 13:46

Hurriacane I love poems and do like the sentiment in that Gibran poem. That aside I cannot fathom how lots of people say they don't go and visit their kids in uni or perhaps maybe once. I'm not planning on making a nuisance of myself and if he's busy then fair enough, that's great too. But I just feel it's normal to want to keep that bond strong.

OP posts:
Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 13:51

MissconductUS How totally amazing ! We spent last winter in New York and Boston ! What an amazing place to study and the distance is do able too. My son has already mentioned a possibility for his 'year in industry' could be at MIT ! Can you imagine me then ?? I think I would have to pack my bags and go too !

OP posts:
serbska · 30/09/2018 13:52

I never objected to my parents visiting. It wasn’t like much of interest was happening on Sunday afternoons / evenings anyway and a meal out and some cash slipped to me was very welcome.

Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 13:53

clionba Yes. X

OP posts:
SoyDora · 30/09/2018 13:53

I completely understand you wanting to visit OP but every 2-3 weeks is a lot. Your bond can remain strong without so many visits. I was (and am still) very close to my parents but once a term was perfectly adequate for visits. I was busy at weekends!

Tvci5 · 30/09/2018 13:55

I haven’t read through a the comments so don’t know if anyone has recommended a FB group called WIWIKAU It’s a friendly understanding group who pretty much feel the same way as you. It’s hard but you will feel better.

Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 13:56

jacelancs Love it !

OP posts:
Original poster
daffodillament · 30/09/2018 13:59

tvci5 Yes.. I'm on that too ! Grin Although I don't post on it. Couldn't bare to sent a pic of my ds going off in the car with all his worldly goods.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 30/09/2018 13:59

I would say it is OK to visit - IF invited and IF specifically asked for a particular weekend, not on a 'previously planned timetable stretching over the entire term'. But visits should be on the child's terms, and at their instigation, not the adult's.

I agree with this. Don't put pressure on him, he'll feel obliged to entertain you when he may have other things he'd prefer to do- especially if you're not hiding the fact you're struggling. If you have a strong bond it'll remain strong whether you visit every few weeks or not.

MoorMummy · 30/09/2018 14:03

Last year I was utterly bereft as my DS ( only child) left for Uni. My husband actually cried a few times , which I was astonished at as he never shows emotion!

Fast forward a year and yes we miss him , but he’s having a great time and to be honest he will be back for Xmas, Easter and then a long summer break before we know it.

I’m visiting next week ( luckily it’s not that far away).

FruitofAutumn · 30/09/2018 14:05

I felt exactly the same when my first went OP.Hearbroken.I would go and sit in his room .

BUT... (and all my friends say this too) we got over it almost indecently quickly! They have as much or even more weeks at home than they do at university

Silvercatowner · 30/09/2018 14:07

I found it really hard with my two - it does get easier. I'm so proud of them, and proud of me and OH because we've clearly done something right! Younger son is now thriving in a job he loves, half way round the world. Last time I dropped him off at the airport was the first time I managed not to cry.

cantkeepawayforever · 30/09/2018 14:07

I just feel it's normal to want to keep that bond strong

It depends what you mean by 'that bond'. Your child - your young adult - is becoming independent, and is learning to take their place as an adult in the world.

The emotional bond between a child and an adult remains life-long, but it changes its nature to adjust to the phase of life both parties are at (I am just starting the next phase, the one where I become the 'supporter' to elderly parents - another new phase).

However trying to maintain the physical bond and involvement in their life may not be appropriate or normal in this next stage in his life UNLESS he invites you.

Be guided by him, and what he and his new peers see as 'normal', not by trying to maintain the 'old normality' which was age-appropriate while he was still at school but could now be more likely to sever than reinforce the emotional bond.

BrightLightsAndSound · 30/09/2018 14:12

Once every 2 to 3 weeks is just crazy. Let him become a man without being a son

WoollyMollyMonkey · 30/09/2018 14:16

I was like you, berift! Cried all the way home in the car. I had to keep the door shut to his bedroom as it was horrible seeing it quiet and empty. I missed him at the dinner table and ended up sticking a photo of him to the back of his chair so he was still with us. Anyway I got used to it after a few weeks! Now when he comes back, I quietly think to myself when are you going back, I want the peace and quiet! Grin

yes, I am bonkers!

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 30/09/2018 14:18

I was you last weekend. Had no idea I would feel like it as I was excited for her. However one week later and I’m ok. It’s easier for me because I know she’s enjoying it. Had a wobble Thursday as she got ill and needed some antibiotics but she sorted it out and didn’t ask to come home.
Dreading my last child going now though!

cloudyweewee · 30/09/2018 14:18

I actually think that by arranging a get together every two or three weeks for the first few months is good way of easing him in to uni life and helping with the transition*
This sounds like it's to help you with the transition, and not him.

I'm not a parent, but remember that when i went to University in 1985, my mum and dad didn't even have a phone so all communication was by letter. I was a real home bird, but only ever went home in the official holidays as I was having too much fun and had too much work to do to go back home during term time- all of my friends were the same. Let your son take the lead on visiting etc

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