Son gone to Uni - I've gone to pieces.

[daffodillament]

Took our Eldest up to London yesterday for Uni. Oh my god, I am feeling bereft ! Never known anything like it, I am wandering around the house in absolute floods, but pretending that I have an awful cold in front of my other two kids ( obvs they know how I feel but I can't just keep breaking down in front of them! ) Does this really get better ? Have highlighted all the holiday periods and planned trips to visit as well as he has planned trips home. It's not so bad, about 150 miles away and I know he's made friends already but really, never expected to feel quite so emotionally traumatised by this event ! Can anyone relate and help me get myself back in check ?

I know it's cliche, but if you have a spare room now would you consider fostering OP? With 90 children entering the care system every day they need all the decent foster carers they can get! It sounds like you have a whole lot of love to give.

I had 3 children go off to university and an honestly say I never had the feelings that you have. I was pleased that they were setting off on their own path and would be surrounded by new opportunities.

Maybe you could concentrate on your other children, but not to the point where you cannot wave them goodbye when the time is right.

I know we cannot dictate how we feel, but it might help to "reframe" it as a wonderful opportunity for your son, rather than a loss. You will gain - a more mature person on his visits home, and lots of dirty washing!

I actually think that by arranging a get together every two or three weeks for the first few months is good way of easing him in to uni life and helping with the transition

You’ve got to be joking. Just leave him alone OP. Your neediness is not his problem.

I sympathise OP.

My eldest DS went on a gap year to stay with his DD in South-East Asia when he was 18. I was used to my 2 DS's going out to spend holidays with him but this time he went out of sight at customer I was distraught. I felt like I'd lost him, and in many ways I had. I also had regrets about how I'd brought him up and all sorts that I knew I could now never put right.

In many ways he left here a boy, and came back a man though. After 6 weeks back at home he went to Uni which, at 100 miles away, was much easier but I~ still missed him. I had far from an 'empty nest' with 5 DC's till at home but regardless, it's was a wrench, and I remember feeling very depressed after he went.

My second DS going was not as bad as it was only 30 miles away, but still, it felt like a massive loss. It's huge thing, and I also found it triggered a massive sense of abandonment, which I realise is illogical but it's still there.

I'm not sure if I'll ever really 'get over' having to say goodbye really - I make a point of not watching either DS's walk off when I drop them somewhere- I find it too upsetting. I broke this rule a while back by watching DS 1's ship leave for a 6 month tour (he's 27 and in the forces now) - I stilled cried my bloody eyes out!

I suppose it's different for everyone, but to me - DC's leaving is a life changing thing that you have to learn to live with, but you have to smile, wave and let them go. Suffocate them and you'll ensure they keep their distance, let them go and they'll come back when their ready. They'll also one day respect you one day for giving them that freedom with no guilt attached.

You'll find your way OP but for now, be kind to yourself. It's a difficult time.

Oh God I was a mess when mine went. I have very vivid memories of crying at work and all the younger girls comforting me and telling me their Mums were the same.
It passes. In fact I had trouble adjusting when they came home for Christmas!

actually think that by arranging a get together every two or three weeks for the first few months is good way of easing him in to uni life and helping with the transition.
My experience is opposite. He needs to be able to get on with his new life without having to think "oh yes, mum's coming up next week" and his friends saying "again?"

One trip round about 6th week is great. Other than that let him be himself and forge his own path. He'll be far more likely to look forward to you coming and want to come back to you if you do that.

I can completely understand you OP and I know I'll be the same. I think it's a common reaction. My own DM dropped me off at the station in floods of tears, drove home ... and ended up driving straight into the gatepost.

It's a traumatic time all round. Especially if you happen to be a gatepost.

Thanks again all. All your posts are amazing, even the more blunt ones. It really does help.

You’ve got to be joking. Just leave him alone OP. Your neediness is not his problem.

I think there's nicer ways of putting that, but do agree with the sentiment OP.

I actually think a 2-3 weekly visit will do the opposite of letting him settle in. Don't make the mistake of suffocating him - it's not fair on him or you. Let HIM decide when to visit etc, let him do it on his terms. If you make him feel guilty or obligated he will end up resenting you massively.

It's a traumatic time all round. Especially if you happen to be a gatepost.

If you make him feel guilty or obligated he will end up resenting you massively. My god, that's the last thing I want. I will take his lead. X

Oh OP I feel for you. I think it's fine to plan a few visits, but then I'm a bit of a Beverly Goldberg so I would say that! I think ds is resigned to the fact that he won't be able to escape me for long
My mum always waited to be invited when my brothers moved away and she never really was and they barely see each other, which I think is sad.
Plan to do some nice things for yourself in the next few weeks too, and try and relish how food actually stays in the fridge. .get some posh ice cream and eat it all yourself.

My Dd graduate day last year. She’s an only child and I was worried sick, she moved into halls with a terrible cold and I was as lost as you. But it gets easier and the time absolutely flew past. She made some great friends and they looked out for each other and still see each other now despite the massive distance between them. If you have raised a child with the confidence to step out on their own in the world then you did your job right. Now your job is cheerleading from a distantce for a little while

There have been so many similar threads in the past couple of weeks that's it's clearly very common.

I do think that this is very interesting though I also had regrets about how I'd brought him up and all sorts that I knew I could now never put right.

I wonder whether for those that are experiencing significant distress it may be that there are other issues going on. A friend of mine felt more or less grief-stricken when her child went to university, but underneath it was also to do with feeling unfulfilled in other areas of her life and relationships. Worth considering I think.

I feel your pain OP.

We dropped DS off two weeks ago, and the first week was awful. U cried every time i opened the fridge and saw his favourite food. I'm doing better now, so I want to reassure you it does get easier.

I have texted him when I'm cooking in the evening, when he'd usually be in the kitchen being funny in the way only DS can. And he's texted me straight back, usually something funny, occasionally asking my advice.

We will be going up at half term (casually passing!) because I think it will help the younger DC to see where he is. I thought DD would miss him, but she phons him every day.DS2 is in a phase on not talking to DS1 - the both seem to think the other is an idiot, but he's been spending more time with me and DD, so strangely the family dynamics have changed.

I may get used to cooking less food soon. But at the moment I have a fridge full of left overs.

Now your job is cheerleading from a distantce for a little while

I like this phrase. It's what you have to do. Let them know that if they're unhappy/not coping/anything wrong whatsoever you will be there in a heartbeat. BUT you've got to give them a chance. It is such a shame when you see suffocating parents demanding weekend trips home/turning up and expecting that the dc will be going out with the parents and not with their friends.

And by this age they might have holiday plans of their own. Ds's friend's parents were disappointed because he got himself an internship for three months and had to live in another city and they had envisaged an "as we were" scenario.

You really don't want to be heaping guilt on someone's shoulders that they are letting you down by succeeding. I posted on another thread that my ds is at a distant university and throwing himself into things, yet I've had several barbed comments about how they are so close with their dc and their dc would never choose to live so far away and their dc comes home every weekend. As if I'm the one who has failed and not very close with my ds

cantkeepawayforever - yes I completely agree that visits should be as and when invited. I just didn't want the OP to get the impression that parents didn't visit their offspring during term time as we do and I know all of dd's friends have visits from their families.

This is going to be a long time away for me with my children but when I went to university myself, I was about an hour away from my mum, she cried her eyes out when she dropped me off and helped me set up my room.
I spoke to her every night on the phone and saw her every weekend but she still missed me not living with her.

Ignore comments saying you are over invested in your son, I think it is lovely to have a close relationship with your children!

I never moved back in with my mum after uni as i met my DH and we rented various houses together before buying but me and my mum still speak on the phone every night!

irma I totally agree with you. I certainly don't plan to be some suffocating parent. It's only day 1 and I'm missing him dreadfully. He has already planned to come home (his own choice) in 2 weeks for the weekend, and I have told him that if anything crops up and he feels he would rather stay put as stuff is planned, then that's absolutely fine with me. As is him coming home whenever he wants to. His choice/lead all the way. Shame on those giving the barbed comments, I would be giving people like that a good 'swerve' !

Lolarose Thats lovely. Thankyou for posting that.

I felt very sad when my eldest went but happy that she was happy, confident and lookinf forward to university life! When my youngest child went the house felt incredibly quiet and tidy! Now I appreciate them when they are home but also appreciate it when they are away. My daughter likes me to visit once a month - mainly to pay for lunch and do a grocery shop (she was about 190 miles away)! My son likes me to visit once a term, for the same reasons but as he is at the other end of the country I am glad that is enough for him!

Feel happy for them and know it is a job well done. They will come back, maybe not for long but that is how the wheels of life turn!

This is a really interesting thread; I'd never thought about the effect of visits before.

I'm beginning to separate out in my head the things that benefit ds1 (presents of things that benefit ds, like shoes and warm jumpers or a bit of extra cash, and I mean "a bit" like £20 randomly offered for him to spend as he chooses) and the things that don't benefit him:

visiting to have the pleasure of his company and feel I am enjoying his uni city by proxy
buying him gifts of food that encourage him to feel he cannot feed himself properly
trying to remind him about various admin he needs to do whilst at uni, helicoptering him when he has problems sorting out things to do with his room or his studies (before he even asks for help)
making pronouncements on what would be "fun" activities for him to do if he suggests he is in any way under the weather (more of me re- living at uni by proxy)

I'm not going to visit unless he suggests it. He knows I would be there like a shot if he did suggest it, which is why the ball is in his court.

I'm making various plans that don't include him, it is hard to realign my thoughts but that helps. Instead of thinking ahead and thinking what would he find enjoyable when he comes back, shall I book x y z arrangements/concerts/theatre/holidays.

Just No. He needs to plan things himself and have his own independent things he likes to do.

I also think that visiting every two weeks is more unsettling. Maybe one visit half way through term, but not before.

My son has moved away also. I don’t feel bereft although do miss him. FaceTiming helps as then they see you and vice versa, and they could be in the next room, not miles away.

When kids move up from junior to senior school, they become apt more independent and grown up overnight. The same transition will be happening now from teenager to adulthood.

OP, I work with students and the regular advice they would give to a fresher is avoid going home/have visits as much as you can, particularly in the first year.

Their rationale is that it makes it much more difficult to settle at uni and most importantly, it obstructs the creation/strengthening of friendship groups and reduces the chances of getting used to participate in university life fully regularly as they miss friends outings and regular society activities, especial departmental stuff, etc. at the time everyone is creating networks that ultimately enrich their life at uni.

Your child may end up feeling like an outsider if he is being distracted from university social and academic life often.

I also second who ever said that they may end up resenting you if they feel pressured by your need to see them. My university years are looooong past but I live long way away from my parents, everytime I visit, my mother insists in spending every second of the day with me, which more often than not results in not being able to see my friends or meeting on my own with other members of the family. If I “exclude” her she sulks and is rude to me for the rest of the stay.

There are no words to describe how frustrated I feel about it, the only thing I can say is that nowadays I visit out of responsibility but I hate every minute of it. Normally I get back home promising myself that I won’t ever go back just to be there a year later out of guilt of not seeing them.

Ps. But I totally understand your pain, I dread the time I need to take my only child to uni. I’m sure I will cry all the way back.

I have raised him to be such an independent person, he wouldn’t even talk much on the phone when he has been away on holidays or exchanges so I do not expect he will text me or ring me at all once he is off (for as long as he is in no urgent need of extra money) .